Dead Man Dancin'

11-9-11

2011-12-16T15:36:00.000-08:00

11-9-11

Pat: Breathe into your eyes. Cup your eyes.

Mike: I feel tension in my eyes when I do this.

Pat: Ask: Am I creating tension in eyes or feeling the tension?

Mike: I can wait until my eyes want the exercise.

Pat: Gentle squeezing helps. Blinking on sunny days helps.

Wait until your eyes want to blink. Any effort can be subtle.

Let your effort be 50%, not 0 or 100%. 50% allows giving and receiving which is tantric enlightenment.

Pat: Breath aerates (fluffs) and hydratres (pumps).

Let fluids move structure not structure move fluids.

Let the sumptuousness of your breath move your torso--

just the feeling of sumptuousness.

Breath can physically move through rippling any part of the body.

Mike: I can even feel the ripple from my belly to my toes.

Pat: Eyes can follow shape of tree. You can literally take in sky through your eyeballs. Sky can be felt by eyeballs.

*****

Talking, Reading And Listening

Mike: I could bypass the sumptiousness of the sounds of the words by jumping into the meaning of them.

Pat: The corollary of this with writing is to feel the sumptuousness of our hands moving, the holding of the pen, movement of writing, and the shapes of the words.

***** Buoyancy

Mike: I feel very little buoyancy playing tennis. I’ve fear in my feet of rocking. Perhaps because of reminders of cradle rocking. I let the fear go out (there’s seems to be a lot of it) since it is a cry for kind easy loving bouncing. Bouncing is also a loss of rigid control.

Pat: In and through your fear is a natural bouncing. It is like the waves of the ocean in our fluids. So instead of trying to bounce allow the bounce that is there to bounce you.

12-14-11

2011-12-15T12:27:00.001-08:00

12. 14-11

Remembering to Be Ourselves And Others

Pat: When you injure any part of the body (Mike had a hot drop of something go into his eye from stove), feel sensation (with patience and acceptance) of it and breathe into it as well as feel and breathe into the whole body.

Mike: The agenda is: To write honestly and well about our sessions, I need to feel and see you, when you are not here.

Pat: Allow impulses to move you. [I bounce and jump and spiral down and spiral up.] Allow these impulses to expand your movements. [I jump higher. Imagine jumping rope.] Take care to truly feel your impulses.

Mike: Oh. I see that there are more honest impulses in me. [I stay on the floor in a corpse pose.] When my impulses surprise me and are vulnerable they and the movements they inspire feel more real. [I jump up.] When I play with genuine impulses my humor feels deeper and more real. [I smile at Pat]. Although it is fun to just be clever. [I make many faces out of my smile.]

Pat: When you’re cleverness joins the momentum from your honest impulses you can be humorously clever. So be humorously clever.

Mike: [I fall into corpse pose.] I can’t remember how I got here.

Pat: Stay with your lack of memory. Don’t hide from it. Fall into corpse pose again and see what comes up.

Mike: Nothing.

Pat: Good first step.

Pa: Be your child-like self, Mykey, and let Mykey move you. And now be a non-verbal witness to your moving. And now be a verbal witness. Now styep to the side of Mykey and be adult Michael and describe with words how Mykey moved.

Now be Pat and instruct Mykey and Michael. And then go back and forth among these three roles.

Mike: When I imitate one of your gestures it is easier for my psyche to inhabit yours. While I am playing Pat I fear losing myself.

Pat: In this fear is a desperation that makes you falsely recall me in a disconnected way.

I think this is true also with parts of yourself. i.e. You can't recall your dancing loving person so you desperately try to recreate it falsely. And when you become your teaching self you’re afraid you’ll lose your feelings. You probably do that with anyone close to you. You desperately want to empathize and be the people you love, but then when you do, you fear losing yourself.

The only reason you can see this polarity in yourself is that you have grown and hold both. You have gotten better staying with yourself better. You have gotten better empathizing and being someone else (including different parts of yourself)

My suggestion is to become aware of and lessen this anxiety of not being able to remember another (including different aspects of your self); and to become aware of and lessen this anxiety of losing yourself. Then when you "forget", you can lovingly allow the feelings/images to come forth without in-authentically recreating them.

Mike: I remember I felt like a cat on the floor looking at you.

Pat: And I said, go to standing.

Mike: and I was about to nonchalantly lean on the wall.

Pat: And I said, step out of yourself and be a witness to what is going on.

Mike: And I stepped out.

Patrick Crowley

patrick@patrickcrowley.net

617.320.9792

www.patrickcrowley.net

120 Steps To Heal Souls: A Moving Journal

2011-09-14T07:09:00.001-07:00

120 Steps To Heal Souls: A Moving Journal Introduction “Where’s the Juice?” my girl-friend screamed at me, while we were dancing. “ Move your hips,” whispered another friend while we were dancing. “Why don’t you move your feet when you dance?” a third friend wondered. I remember Stan Strickland, the best saxophone player in Boston, moving across a huge gymnasium while playing his saxophone to a room full of joyful dancers. I was joyful too--especially because the great Stan Strickland appeared to be walking straight towards me. He put down his saxophone when he got closer and opened his mouth. The loud drumming from the drummers made it impossible for me to hear what Stan was saying to me. When he stopped in front of me, I could finally hear his words, “Move with the rhythm.” So, I needed a dance teacher. I met Patrick Crowley in a one-day workshop called “The Fundamentals of Movement.” I asked him if he would come to my home to teach me how to move and dance. I thought he would look at how I moved and offer suggestions. Instead we began with the fundamentals of movement. He told me, “Keep your feet planted on the ground. Don’t’ move them. Breathe and be aware of how the rest of your body moves just a little. The only intentional movement is to stop yourself if you are going to fall.” While I did this Patrick said, “You are now dancing—it’s called a “Small Dance.” ** We met once a week for over ten years. This book consists of excerpts from ten years of notes taken during and after these meetings. Our sessions are in my living room-kitchen. It is about 15 feet by 15 feet. Patrick sits in the orange armchair next to a six foot table by the wall. I sit in a rocker before him when I sit. We often eat my homemade breakfast of granola before we begin our session. When I start to tell Patrick what I would like to explore for the session, he insists, “You can only talk if you are dancing.” This command alone has changed my life. I eventually realized I am always moving or dancing when I talk. My head no longer controlled my speech. Words came from my moving body. Moving I was eventually able to ask for some of the things I wanted to learn. Patrick would then command, “Floor.” And down I would go--which was not often good enough. I had to learn to fall down to the floor in a spiral. I was part of a New Year’s Celebration on Jan 1, 2010. Many of us danced surrounded by a circle of drummers. At 69 I felt I had as much energy as the 6 year-old girl dancing with us. I was jumping, leaping, twirling, running past other people in the dance. I yelled animal sounds as I jumped as high as I could. The drums got louder. I followed the young girl skipping behind her. Faster and faster, louder and louder the drums and I and the girl went. I danced for about an hour with anyone who joined the circle. While moving I smiled at all the drummers. Most smiled back. It was a healing consummation of my ten years working with Patrick. And if I can do this, anyone can—especially if you are six. Patrick has taught me to enjoy moving, dancing, heal from abuse, to touch, be touched , love, be loved and how to find love and be loved by my sweetheart. I hope this journal of our work together will also help you move and be moved. *****

Step 1: The Dance Of Eating

2011-09-14T07:08:00.001-07:00

Step 1: The Dance Of Eating [Patrick gets down on all fours and pulls Michael’s body over his back.] Michael: I’m going to get hurt. Patrick: Believe you won’t get hurt and you won’t get hurt. Michael: That’s easy for you to say. Patrick: Keep see-sawing until you feel in your gut where your body balances on mine. This is the center of your body. Michael: I feel it. I promise I feel the center of my body. Patrick: O.K. Continue to feel your center while you roll off me. Michael: Don’t order my body around as if it is a puppet. Patrick: How would you like me to make suggestions? Michael: Say “when you feel moved to, then please roll off me.” Patrick: When you feel moved to--keep feeling your center as you roll off me. Michael: [Michael closes his eyes and rolls off Patrick.] Patrick: Now when you are moved to feel the center of your body with your hands. Michael: [Feels under his navel.] I feel my belly contracting and expanding. Patrick: Don’t let your words take you away from feeling your center. Feel with your hands the breath from your belly. Allow your breathing to make a sound. Michael: Ommmmmmm. Patrick: Now slowly open your eyes while still feeling the center of your body. Keep a wide hazy focus. Don’t focus on anything—so nothing that you see takes your awareness away from the center of your body. Michael: [Michael rocks side to side in a trance-like state, eyes open looking crazed.] Patrick: Now, still keeping your hands on your belly, feel the snake from your mouth to your anus. Allow the snake to move you. Undulate you. Slither on your back. Breathe in with desire. Enjoy desire. Now roll over and feel your center meet the floor. Let the impulses you feel in your center move your gut body around the room. Michael: [stops moving] My gut body hurts. Patrick: Dance the hurt. Michael: [Crunches up into a fetal position.] Patrick: Put your hands on your center. Let words come out of your hurt gut body. Michael: [Speaking slowly like a young child.] Before he died my father told me that “after you were born we tried to feed you every four hours. You cried for food but we waited until the four hours were up. And then you refused to eat.” [Patrick presses an apple on Michael’s lips.] Michael: My father confessed, “I held you down . . . ” [Patrick pushes Michael’s arms down and holds them down.] Michael: “while your mother forced food down your throat.” [Patrick tries to force Michael’s mouth open.] Michael: [Screams] No! No! Patrick succeeds in opening Michael’s mouth. Michael: [Michael spits at Patrick.] Patrick: Keep spitting as long as you want to. [After much spitting Michael lies on his back.] Patrick: Feel the pleasure the air gives your mouth when you breathe. [Michael with a rounded mouth breathes in the air.] Patrick: Let the pleasure move your tongue to dance. [Michael slips the tip of his tongue out and in and then his tongue sticks out tasting the air.] Patrick: Feel the pulse of the blood in your tongue being nourished by the tasty air. Michael: [Michael’s tongue flickers like a snake.] Patrick: Feel with your hands your heart. Feel your heartbeat pumping this pulse into your flickering tongue. Feel how loving your heart is-- pumping blood to nourish you. When you feel the love from your heart allow the love to move your torso. [Michael becomes rigid.] Patrick: Let your arms be moved by your heart. Feel the love flowing in your arms. [Michael very tentatively mines a hug towards Patrick.] Patrick: Feel the love pumping from your heart into your legs. [Michael gets on his knees and starts to crawl.] Patrick: And let your head be moved by your torso. Michael: Hard to talk now. Patrick: Don’t go into your mind. Stay focused on your head. Gently put one hand on on your lips and one handon yourcenter and let sounds come from your center out through your lips. Michael: Grrr! Patrick: Good. Let that sound turn into a word. Michael: Grrround. Patrick: Lie face down on the floor. Feel the sensations in your torso. Let the sensations move your torso to dance with the floor. [Michael’s torso slithers on the floor.] Patrick: [Offers Michael the apple.] Now-- when the feelings in your gut moves you to--take a bite of this apple. Michael: [Michael licks the apple with his tongue.] Patrick: Don’t forget to keep dancing with the apple. [Michael puts the apple on his lips. He rolls the apple to the right while his lips rock the left. And then he rolls the apple to the left while his lips rock to the right.] Patrick: Invite your whole body to rock with your head. I’ll put my hand on your gut so you can be aware of the center of your body rocking. [Michael, while rocking with the apple slowly brings the apple to his lips, stops rocking, closes his eyes and takes a small bite.] Patrick: Feel how delicious biting is. ***

Freeing From Blah

2011-08-09T11:18:00.000-07:00

Michael: When Michelle Ann walked in while you and I were talking I felt dead. In a straight jacket.

Patrick: What story did you tell yourself?

Michael: The straight jacket comes because I want to keep the lively feeling you and I had before she walked in. When I struggle to keep the lively feeling I feel thwarted. This thwarted attempt to feel more alive I sense as a straight jacket.

Patrick: What does this straight jacket image hide you from feeling?

Michael: Blah. Nothing.

Patrick: And if you fight that nothing feeling you might feel in hell. When have you felt this blah feeling before? Did you feel this blah feeling with your mother or father?"

Michael: I was often afraid my mother would hit me, but I don’t think that fear is present now. I think the blah feeling is also hiding. Perhaps there are other feelings and impulses underneath my blah. I might want to lie in a corpse pose on the floor—which I could do with you both here.
And there might be some confused sense of responsibility towards her and you.

Patrick: There’s a helpful and a controlling sense of responsibility.

Michael: I’m an expert at doing what I think is responsible out of duty.

Patrick: It’s often more helpful to respond to what is happening right now. Be aware of your body’s responses. Be aware of your emotional body’s responses. Be aware of your mental body’s responses.
Then you can help shape these responses to be socially appropriate, helpful and fruitful. Helpful responsibility is first being aware of your true responses to others. And being aware of others responses to you.

Michael: How can I also learn to be responsive to the greater forces that contribute to whatever situation I am in. I like to call these greater forces the “greater self” or “god.”

Patrick: Keep repeating this question and the depth of what you are looking for will emerge. The answers will bring a deeper questioning. And since god is everything and more continue to be aware of how you physically, emotionally, mentally and with your spirit respond to gravity, momentum, spirit. Keep asking how your child inside and your adult and your spirit respond to god?

Michael: My child likes the protection.

Patrick: How does it feel when I play-act your adult and say “ You will be protected Michael.”

Michael: I feel a bit patronized. My adult wants to integrate the joy of the child while being aware of his responses to god.

Patrick: Hear god tell your spirit, “I am Michael.”

Michael: This feels great as long as it’s true for everybody.

Patrick: Be quiet and allow your body to feel and move with God’s blessing, forgiveness and nourishment. Nourishment can include the words you hear or feel or imagine coming from everything.

**
Patrick: So why do you want to write this book about our work together.

Michael: I’d love it to be a gift to you, honoring your gifts as a teacher.
I’d also like it to be a gift to people who’ve struggled like I have. I also want to just finish what I began.

Patrick: I don’t sense your “I” in any of those answers.

Michael: I’d love to give you the gift and to help you. And I’ve just learned the difference between writing it as a duty and enjoying what going over each of our lessons teaches me.

Patrick: This answer feels so much more real.

Michael: And enjoyable. Thanks for helping me feel that I want and enjoy and need to contribute to what is more than me. I want, need and enjoy being responsible.

.

=

6-15-11 The Center Of Our Body Moves Heart Fingers And Feet With Awe

2011-06-16T14:08:00.001-07:00

Michael: I feel a frog in my throat when I get scared. My hunch is that if I felt awe for myself and whatever I was experiencing the fear would turn to awe.

Patrick: Get down to the floor and warm up your body. Sense your bones. Sense how they support and structure your body.

Michael: I see. I feel awe for my bones. In my bones.

Patrick: Good. Don’t jump to your feelings or thoughts. Keep sensing your bones and the support of the floor. Remain with the question: how to keep feeling awe. And don’t move in your habitual patterns. How do you think you could challenge your patterns?

Michael: Being aware of different possibilities. Open to discovering different impulses.

Patrick: True. And also, primarily, focus awareness on your habitual patterns as you do them.

Go down on all fours. Move into rippling from your perineum, prostate, tail bone, sit bones, and balls.

Michael: [After doing this for a while I’m feeling ecstasy.]

Patrick: Let this energy ripple into your heart.

Michael: My torso finally feels free.

Patrick: Let the ripple go into each finger. Now your toes.

Michael: For the first time ever I’m moving my body without trying while I’m talking with you.

Patrick: Allow your torso to keep opening with the ripples.

Michael: This is so wonderful who needs anybody even me.

Patrick: It’s tempting to bliss out. Feel your bones. Feel the inside of your bones. Feel your marrow if you can. Dance with me. Self-generating from yourself and feeling me self-generate. Feel and see both of our bodies self-generate with ripples in each of our bodies.

**

Michael: My sweetheart and I are not committed to each other. I sometimes feel I’m missing something. I do choose to surrender—which is blissful. Would it change things if we verbally committed or shared vows?

Patrick: Keep writing about this and sending the words to me.

Michael: I have a feeling it is connected to our previous exercise. If I feel the awe in our bones, flesh, blood, eyes, skin I might not feel something is missing.

Patrick: But what about the community being present when vows are shared? Do your words need to join into this shared awe?

Michael: Perhaps when we really feel married our words can honor that.

The last thing I need is to make rules with words.

Patrick: When you feel moved to you can share smaller words.

Michael: Michelle Ann does pray most nights, “may our love continue to grow.” This is a lot for me. And sometimes she prays, “may our love grow deeper.” I’d love to want this with my whole heart.

Patrick: Don’t’ you?

Michael: Yes. The feeling for her and my friends and the ground and air and the spirit of our earth and sky is unending gratitude and awe. I think I’m embarrassed by this gratitude.

Patrick: What would it feel like to join this gratitude?

Michael: To do it your way I’d have to feel it on my skin. Which is easy. On my lips is easy. And then my actual heart. In my head. Bones, blood. I’m crying.

Patrick: What words are attached to these physical feelings. Remember, don’t let the words take you away from your bones, blood, skin, heart.

Michael: [Putting my hand on my heart and feeling the ripples of my torso to my fingers and toes] I’d love to do all I can to have our love grow and grow deeper. And I’d love you too also.

Ease of Trees

2011-05-27T17:02:00.000-07:00

My dance teacher gets down on all fours
and pulls my body over his back.
If he doesn’t hold me well I will fall.
A see saw I sway back and forth
eerily then easily.
My center flows with sap.
I am a centered sapling.

5/18/11 Frog In The throat Hops Away

2011-05-25T09:22:00.000-07:00

Patrick:

• go down to the floor from your center.
• Meditate more alone so you can engage with others when you are with them.
• When you are thinking and leave your body recycle back to your body when you discover you’ve left.
• Don’t let bliss take you away from physical
• Feel the sensation in your knee when you touch your knee.
• Form can take us away from being present
• When you feel you are here you don’t need to speak to prove that.
• Feel the frog in your throat. Dance with the frog. Stay aware of sensations. Trying to fit into a form can cause frog.
• Any part of your body that is hurting you can feel the sensation of the part, feel the sensation when moving. Dance from the hurting part. Be aware of the relations between your hurting part and your body.
Keep aware of this physical dance until you are ready to explore
a. feelings,
b. images,
c. thoughts.

Declare God is Here

2011-04-16T07:32:00.001-07:00

Patrick 3-8-11

Declare God is here.

I am in my body now.

My body is taking precedence over my mind.

Listen to my body stating this.

Breathe into my knees from my pelvis.

Let blood move flesh.

Holistic can include all body parts moving together.

To get into sensation you can breathe into a part of the body and be aware fo this part’s response.

A nice way to feel the floor is to feel it with your hands.

Keep moving don’t let the ecstasy of stillness prevent moving.

**
Warm up to be in your body parts:

Feel sensations and allow sensations to initiate movement.

Sensation is movement of fluids.

Movement is one way of body parts touching each other.

**

Unclear notes:
Touch self, floor, person ?????????????????

7-12 2010

2011-02-21T13:31:00.000-08:00

7-1-10

Beauty is feeling whole, parts working harmoniously:
A tree, a car, a face, a body. The physical, sensual, emotional, mental, spiritual energies working as a whole.

When my environment, earth, air, fire (light), water.
joins with my personal harmonious dance
I can feel holiness.

We experienced beauty by simply moving our feet in figure eights and from edge to edge. I feel what is connected to my feet, shin, knee, thigh etc responding to my feet’s moves. This seems very healing: parts of my body harmoniously connecting with other parts is heath.

PC: If you don’t feel beauty in what you’re doing you’re not really doing it.

* Beauty is receiving, enjoying your self.

* It is helpful to be able to instantaneously drop into warm-up mode.

* Check into your feelings, breath, sensations, fluids and then let momentum take you to new places.

* Don’t leave beauty while talking or writing. Feel similar to when we were moving our feet and allowing the movement to move through adjoining areas in our bodies.

MK: So I can physically respond to my words and thoughts
the way I respond to my toes moving.

PC: But the words you speak need to come from your body’s moving. And when you are truly aware and in your body you will have different, more embodied thoughts.

**
PC: Finding guides is a verb: it is opening to wisdom from yourself or trees or people, your body, your toes, Jesus, ancestors etc.
Then conversation with these presences.
Conversation is different from blissing out and just accepting whatever these presences communicate.

MK: So feeling greater forces guiding me comes from being permeable to my interior and exterior environment.

PC: But before you go there DO NOT steer away from emotions or anything else. It would help you to simply say:

I am angry
Or sad
Or fearful
Or ashamed
Or happy!!!

MK: or loving,
Proud,
Peaceful,
Joyful
Overwhelmed,
Empty,
Excited
Interested,
Bored
Touched
whole
Etc.

PC: It is important to be able to know where you are in the 5 major emotions. If your resist them or can't find them when clearly you are acting from them (this is where most people are), then we in some sort of denial.

PC: You don’t want your guides to parent your child. You have and are an adult who can be aware of your emotions, make decisions and take actions you are responsible for. When guides parent your child there is no adult.

MK: My inner child, adult and guides were deprived and therefore depraved. I was cut off from my body and the world. I lived in my isolated mind. Whatever emotions got through felt like strangers.
To heal these distorted parts of me I need to accept and love these emotions as they are (be grateful for how they protected me even with distortions). I then can help them be nourished by people and the environment around us.

PC: Yes better not to judge them. But I would focus on loving yourself rather than the distortions. If your guides are telling you to jump off a building, I think it is you who needs to be loved more than the voice who is telling you to do this.

So if you find that you are not the focus, then there is no "I" and this is a problem. Again the 5 emotions are a good way to find the "I". Asking yourself what do you really want is another good way. When you ask this, if you come up with something that harms yourself or another, then this is not what you truly want. This is also true of the messages of your guides.

7-29-10

PC: Everything’s in all we do.

MK: I am just beginning to discover that I can let experience into my body. I feel humor inside as I do this. Experience is in my torso and the rest of me. Body experiences of what is happening.

PC: We are aware and aware we are aware.

MK: Awareness is different now. Not just my head.
Even aware I am aware can be cellular.

PC: Check breath, sensation, gravity (including momentum) in all moving.
You can change the dial related to each of these experiences. And change how much you focus.

Even too much seeing takes you away from your body, just focus less so seeing does not take over.

MK: I can be aware of what is new in my habitual movements. So I don’t need to try and be new.

PC: And an effort to be new also reveals.
In all these activities a light awareness of gravity (momentum) sensation and breath helps and is revealing.

PC: In flying pose don’t break your wrists away from your arms.

Toning: feel a central line in you.
Central line from your prostate perineum up through your crown
And down to the ground.

Contact your prostate. Feel how delicious it is. Encourage healthy cells to thrive. Add anal sphincter to the delicious feeling.

Relaxed tone. Reach with fingers. Come down and up straight.
Wrists move as we go down straighten as we rise.

8-5-10

PC: Petal and coast. If we’re experienced doing this we often only need 50% effort.

Start with coast.

Stillness (which is even tone chakra radiating)

Stillness of course isn’t really stillness). A small dance.

Desire for connection to myself is needed before desiring to connect to another.

Warming up be aware of the internal body.

**

MK: My inner space is singing and dancing.
Because? There’s a blooming chorus like birds chirping and flying.

What is the relationship between inner and outer?

I think it is fluid. Outer of course is felt inside and inner expresses itself (even in a small dance) outside.

Dividing inner and outer may be helpful to isolate their realties but in life they are one flow! Inner is outer and outer is inner. One reality felt in different locations. (Is this true?)

PC: we can nap while dancing. Feel sound in tissues when talking or singing. This is a way to hear an inner-outer song. And of course feel the small dance inside as it is moving outside.

Wait for four transformations (feeling more than thinking) for significant actions. Patiently wait for inner to create outer.

If I don’t express my feelings (eventually) they turn into an ingrown toenail.

**PC questions about PC cells.

1. Can they go away. What are the possibilites, probabilities, of remission?

2. Do I need another biopsy? I hope not.

3. Do I need another PSA . I’m curious.

4. Is it true that only 10% are helped by radiation and lupron with my condition?

8-11-10

PC: May your breath be as loving as life itself. Breath gives you life. Breathe into healthy cells. Into the “I” of the prostate. Concentrate on bone marrow (feel the inside of your bones). Feel your thymus above your heart. Both thymus and bone marrow make white blood cells. Eyes of storm are relatively still. Be aware of vibrating tissues of body while sounding. More inner core makes it easier to lightly move out. Stillness includes the og dancing with the floor. Feel gravity. Bones. DISCOVER DEEPER FEELINGS, SENSATIONS, AS YOU GO WITHOUT FORCING

MK: I breathe in life, love, god, tastey air, support yum.

PC: Elements of loving breath:
More relaxed
Slower
Deeper
I am feeling it (perceiving it).

Warm-up is important so we get to be more three-dimensional. Be aware of body sensations and perceptions before reflection.
Undulation is sequencing that is focused first in one part of us and stays aware of that part as the part sequences or ripples.

Tai Chi exercise: (bending knees. Just with torso. Then straighten. Feel Og going down and up
Energy coming up from earth into prostate. And then up through all the glands via the central axis.

MK: I feel the earth bounce me up-- straightening my spine and
the space or channel around my spine.

PC: You’re milking the earth for your glands. Concentrate on bone marrow in bones (feel your bones. Feel the inside of your bones). Feel your thymus above your heart. Both thymus and bone marrow make white blood cells.

MK: I feel my body sucking on mother earth’s nipple.

PC: Focus on energy coming from bone marrow from the earth.

MK: Vulnerability comes up when I bend my knees into this pose. From not being breast fed and then force fed instead. Vulnerability is my whole body feeling it can be hurt. But vulnerabilty is balanced by fury. Vulnerability is wanting, needing. Loving to take you in without you hurting me, harming me. Come. Come.
Especially when I can non-violently, like Ghandi or a Karote master, move to win battles even if I am hurt.

PC: The warrior moves from his bones. Aware of his spine and other’s spine. Warrior energy is focused and determined.

MK: Now homicidal feelings arise. But you taught me to enjoy the fury. Feel the fury move through my body. Enjoy the energy. It’s not scary anymore. I can control the dial. Make it a tiny bit furious. Feel the fury in my og undulate in my body.

PC: Use that energy as warrior energy. It’s a strength through the bones and central axis and OG. A determined qualtity to be committed.

Stillness (monk energy) is part of warrior energy. This is the quality of emanation (radiance and resonance).

MK: Stillness is relative non-motion. It might be easier to feel stillness as a very small internal dance of my body parts. The dance going down to no voluntary movements and then an awareness of what feels like radiating and emanating movements from internal body parts. A harmonic very small internal dance.

Patrick: Sound vibrates the inner tissues of the body which brings resonance.

**Patrick: to dance while singing begin by allowing your og to move while you sing.

MK: Soon I’ll discover patterns in my og movements. That’ll help begin finding a structure for the dance. For example
while singing “If you ever need a friend”
My og sways in an oblong around my waist.
And friendship is an unbroken circle.
The next line of the song is”

“Who will love you through the end”

and here my arms from my Og go up in front of my face and then open up like a tree. So slowly the dance takes shape.

8-17-10

Bone marrow makes red and white blood cells.

I breathe in from the ground encouragement to make these cells well.

**

Warming up I find the peace in chaos.

And then in shamanic crazy process I let the momentum movement, sounds, feels delicious finding the hunor. This is like possession.
**

Just sit without hands as a warm-up exercise.

Enjoy journey down. Get down deeper.

Where weight is front to back is shifting tuen in.

What joints are doing: hips, knees, ankles, joints of feet.

Be equally alive in all parts of our body, awareness.

Once we feel weakness, karma stuff arises and it is the beginning

of stronger.

Og moves head and arms.

9-8-10 Michael hurt his lower abdomen moving heavy objects (helping his love move in). Then possible hurt it more being at the ocean and having 2 waves crash in him. He feels he may have a hernia. M is going to a doctor later this afternoon.

PC: Rest on your back feel sensation and normal breath. Just the feeling of sensation is nourishing to the tissues. Feel the life of it. After a while you add in a gentle breathing into the hurt tissue

PC: Be on your side and gently pull your knees. By gently pulling in the knees I mean to join the momentum of your breath join the momentum of your knees coming in.

PC: When we learn something well then, we can do an action with out being fully conscious of it. We can assume we are being "subconsciously aware".

MK: once we get into the zone of Momentum Physical Bliss Awareness (MPBA), I can feel when i break out of it. The MPBA has a momentum to it.

10-15-10 When Confrontin’ Nothin’

aware of breathing
and sensations helps us feel
we're recreating

MK: I’m feel nothing. Sitting across from my love. Scarey.
Confused.

PC: Feel free to move expressing how nothing you feel.
Perhaps lying in corpse pose on the floor.

MK: When I focus on my sensations and my breathing I feel fine.
When I lose myself even touching my love doesn’t help.

**
The dial you suggested I can turn from zero to hundred helps. When I focus mostly on me and tune out my love I feel better.
When I let myself get into a bind where I feel no connection and then want connection I am in trouble.

PC: Don’t jump to your rescue.
You can focus on yourself without pushing love away.

**

Patrick and I hold hands.

MK: I had a dream last night about Charlie Hunt. I thinkw e were attracted to each other but lived together in the early sixties when such feelings were forbidded.

I tell Patrick that while we are holding hands I have a feelingof sandpaper in my blood.

The sandpaper is a sign to me that I am taking too much of the other in. When I dial more me the sandpaper leaves.

PC: Whe you turned down the dial of receiving me I felt lonely.

Get in touch with what youw ant. When caressing don’t lose the “I want” feeling. And receive touch.

**

Still holdinghands I add movement without obliterating Patrick’s movement.

I initiate without lsoing myself.

PC: Feel your desire.

MK: I can initiate from a baby feeling. I don’t have to macho want.

PC: Often if you don’t have enough warm-up time for yourself other people feel like intrusions.

PC: Whe you inititate froma solo palce then you can eventually be dueting well without losing your desire.

MK: I discover I can feel all kinds of intimate impulses for you (caressing etc.) without being afriad of them. I can translate then to socially acceptable movements e.g. dancing, talking.

PC: Don’t use anything, even translating down, as an excuse not to be with desire.
11-13-10 Warming Up to Another

Warm up.

P: Equally warm up all parts and you will be transformed.

Let your feet be in charge. Allow your feet to have their own integrity, urges, intelligence.

MK: I don’t want to simply focus on my feet with my mind. I allow my feet to guide my body.

In happy moments this is tantra with myself.

I feel peace.

P: Peace can be a by-pass. You could be acknowledging and feeling how each part of your body and your kinisphere ( the gestalt all your body parts create) is harmonious. Your feeling of “peace” takes you away from your body into your mind.

MK: I’m sure the reason I jump into mind and spirit is because there is so much horror still stored in my body.
The center of my body refuses to connect and love my partner. The center of my body wants to just be. The center of my body is at war with eros which screams to connect. Why struggle with these feelings when I can by-pass them and feel “peace”?

P: Your feeling of “peace’ won’t last.
Dance the part that refuses to connect in love.

MK: [hits walls, scratches walls. Pushes P away in their dance.]

P: Feel your sensations while you are doing this. Your rejection of love was protection for you. Enjoy how your rejection, your hatred, your anger kept you free.
Now dance the connection that eros brings.

Mk: [Dances romantically with P]

P: don’t by-pass. Feel and express how your OG [organizing organs (in gut) connects. Remember eros comes from the members of your body. Especially your member.

MK: Yes, Eros truly wants to connect with my love WITHOUT BEING TAKEN OVER. I imagine I need to do this slowly with awareness since I’m used to giving myself away.

P: Let your eros move your body. Feel how especially your Og can direct your body and dance.

MK: [Dances for the first time letting his Og lead.]

PC: You can choose which dance you prefer. But honor your anger, hatred, rejection. Firm limits are crucial if eros is workable.
Dance an erotic dance with firm limits.

MK [Dances. With boundaries. Turning and making lines with his hands and then turning away.]

[P takes M’s hands and they bend their knees while facing each other.] You can be curious and cautious instead of terrified.

P: I don’t sense you’re taking me in. You can see me as part of your dance. Part of your body. You don’t have to lose yourself when you see me.

MK: Even looking at people I do lose me. [M looks at P.] I am not centered in my body so your body assaults me simply with its presence.
PC: Remember I am just a part of you.

[M moves P around the floor while looking at P.]

P: a duet can be simultaneously a solo.

A good solo lets in the environment.

M dances with plant. M lets the plants leaves and stalk influence and move his body.]

P: Even my insides, my feelings, can be part of your solo.

You can let what I am saying now move your dance.

[M starts moving to P’s words.]

Your mind which you might have thought is in your head can now explode to include all your body parts.

[M dances from feet, loins, heart.]

P: You can stay with your movements or develop them. It’s roomier to stay with what’s happening without focusing.

[M sits while P sits.]

P: Whatever image comes up is a way your body contributes to your mind.

P: You can first dance as a human and feel the other person as an organ of you. But don’t get stuck. Allow new way to arise out of what you are doing.

P: Homework: try no negative comments when interacting-- especially with your sweetheart in another’s presence.

When physically focused you can be aware of your kinisphere.

12-8-10

Patrick: Yoga is listening to your body, mind, tissues, sensations.

Some teachers ask for a minute of corpse pose between poses so you can take in, let in, what the pose does to and for you.

A crucial question is: what is your effort?
Is it being in the flow of the universe.

M: I have taken a break from most exercises including some Yoga poses because I wanted to give my knee and my hernia operation time to recover.

P: But Yoga is asking yourself what poses feel right to do. Not just making a general statement of what to do and not to do.

Let’s tune in to where you are now?

M: I feel vulnerable.

P: When you feel emotions express them in a way that works socially. Express them physically too.
Tune into the wisdom or your body, mind, psyche.
Discover your wisdom and basque in it.
Wisdom includes actions.

If you feel light it is not enough to just feel it,
Even not enough to feel it in your body.
Feel it in the actions you are doing.

Let your body/self do the loving actions you are moved to. FOR YOURSELF.

We could call it being your body/self
or
Going into Wisdom.

After you feel your body and emotions
being with your physical, emptional, mental and spiritual expressions
Your adult asks your child, “What am I putting you down with?”
This is a kind adult not your wounded adult.
The kind adult, the loving adult accepts/loves what is going on
INCLUDING THE UNACCEPTING PART.
The loving adult puts her arms around everything that is coming up.
Wisdom asks for what is true for you.
Feelings are inner child.
There’s always something else to love.
Usually just feeling pain is step 1.

MK: Both my original trauma around food and the habits built around this trauma (like hiding from interaction while eating)
get in the way of being present feeling the presence of the person I am eating with and me.

P: Wisdom is your big self.

M: As long as the big self isn’t a by-pass. I.E. as long as my large self includes my body, feelings, thoughts.

P: O.K. Enough talk. Feel and express what is going on now.

M: I feel vulnerable. I feel real feeling vulnerable. I feel a slight trance, a hugging presence, maybe me, that embraces my body/self.
When I express what I really feel in this moment, my adult self and my greater self feel in harmony.

P: So remember you cannot hold onto this trance. This loving presence requires moment to moment being true to what is arising in a way that is also kind.

This is your practice.

1/22/11

2011-02-21T13:30:00.001-08:00

Patrick 1/22/11

Warming Up to Eat

Become aware of sensations, breath, emotions, body parts, bones, flesh, structures, smells, organs, belly, feet, sexual parts, etc.

Healing is listening and responding to our body with loving kindness. Spend a few minutes doing this without talking. (sounds and laughter are o.k.).

[Michael starts to sweep because the floor is still dirty.]

PC: Let your arms, head and upper body go on a ride while you are sweeping.

**

PC: Open eyes. Do eye circles. Remember warm up is an integration of all parts of your body. Let your eyes lead. They can move your head up and down. Let your arms help. Arms literally open your rib cage giving more room to your heart.
Make sure wrists and fingers don’t cut off the energy direction of your arms.
Og can move you too. Og thru arms

MK: I can feel when my entire body, even psyche, joins in the moving initiated by my eyes.

PC: head, heart, and og can lead you up.

**
[Michael’s agenda is to investigate his difficulty eating meals with people.]

MK: I lost my connection to you while preparing our food.

PC: What are the feelings that come up when you lose connection?

MK: shame and fear.

PC: what is a loving way to respond to shame and fear?

MK: It’s o.k. (even good for shame to be ashamed to lose connection.)
And it’s O.K. for fear to be afraid for cutting connection and being disconnected.

PC: Other feelings?

MK: Pride and arrogance for serving the meal well.

PC: And these feelings are o.k. too?

MK: Yes. I’m proud that I’m proud.
And proud to discover I’m arrogant.

PC: O.K. now we’re ready to eat.
Let’s pray.

M.K. Your prayer helps me feel connected to you and our earth-sky spirit.

PC: Feel free to move between feeling we, then back to solo I,
Then back to I and You, back to We or solo I and so on.
Some “We” is our “I” feeling connected to the universe (or spirit of earth and sky and all around us and in us and us) and not to the person we’re eating with. Another We of course is to feel and be connected to the person we’re eating with.

hide and seek

2011-02-18T16:02:00.001-08:00

Patrick February 9 2011

Hide and Seek

too intense screams and
needs obliterate me til
I find who’s crying

my lost child found finds
the world I almost missed is
as real as a kiss

**

Thanks for helping me feel that the floor is real and to feel that you and even I am real.

**

When a baby I left the screaming baby so there was no me when I began life.

When you tell me to picture the baby and comfort him with a kind parent I feel there is actually a person at the beginning of me.

So there’s a person to feel the floor is real.

**

My therapist invited me to find a part of my self to comfort the screaming baby.

What is the difference between finding a good parent and finding part of myself?

It seems that the good parent might be a construct: An imagined companion.

This imagined good parent is helpful when I give myself a hard time.

It seems to work.

But I know that it works better for me to feel wisdom coming from me rather than an imagined guide. Although Jesus is nice.

But wisdom again is abstract. How much more real if it is my wisdom from my body and mind.

*

So I can certainly create characters (a kind parent) who helps me.
But I think it is better to find the kind parent within the parents I had.

And it is comforting to feel that I, Michael, an adult, can care for the screams I feel.

Both of these sound more real than just imagining a kind parent (which did help me lots).

And it feels so much more real, lasting and powerful if I--with the help of the kindness I can find in my challenging parents-- can see and care for the screaming baby I hear.

I Michael enjoy sitting in my chair typing these words to you, Patrick, feeling the floor in the back room of my condo under my feet looking forward to hearing you read these words to me because you probably will not have read them before our next meeting on Weds. March 9 at 2:45—three days before your birthday.

2010 THRU july 1

2011-01-08T14:02:00.001-08:00

Vulnerable Trance

2010-12-10T19:10:00.000-08:00

12-8-10

Patrick: Yoga is listening to your body, mind, tissues, sensations.

Some teachers ask for a minute of corpse pose between poses so you can take in, let in, what the pose does to and for you.

A crucial question is: what is your effort?
Is it being in the flow of the universe.

M: I have taken a break from most exercises including some Yoga poses (I’m doing others) because I wanted to give my knee and my hernia operation time to recover.

P: But Yoga is asking yourself what poses work for you. What poses (and to what extant in each pose) are you moved to do. Not just making a general statement of what to do and not to do.

Let’s tune in to where you are now?

M: I feel vulnerable.

P: When you feel emotions express them in a way that works socially. Express them physiclaly too.
Tune into the wisdom or your body, mind, psyche.
Discover your wisdom and basque in it.
Wisdom includes actions.

If you feel light it is not enough to just feel it,
Even not enough to feel it in your body.
Feel it in the actions you are doing.

Let your body/self do the loving actions you are moved to. FOR YOURSELF.

We could call it being your body/self
or
Going into Wisdom.

After you feel your body and emotions
Being with your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual expressions
Adult asks child ,What am I putting you down with?
This is a kind adult not your wounded adult.
The kind adult, the loving adult accepts/loves what is going on
INCLUDING THE UNACCEPTING PART.
The loving adult puts her arms around everything that is coming up.

Wisdom asks for truth.
Feelings are your inner child.
There’s always something else to love.
Usually just feeling pain is step 1.

MK: Both my original trauma around food and the habits built around this trauma (like hiding from interaction while eating)
Get in the way of being present feeling the presence of the myself, the food and the person I am eating with.

P: Wisdom is your big self.

M: As long as the big self isn’t a by-pass. I.E. as long as my large self includes my body, feelings, thoughts.

P: O.K. Enough talk. Feel and express what is going on now.

M: I feel vulnerable. I feel real feeling vulnerable. I feel a slight trance, a hugging presence, maybe me, that embraces my body/self.
When I express what I really feel in this moment, my adult self and my greater self feel in harmony.

P: So remember you cannot hold onto this trance. This loving presence requires moment to moment being true to what is arising in a way that is also kind.

This is your practice.

petal and coast

2010-08-07T08:12:00.001-07:00

8-5-10

PC: Petal and coast. If we’re experienced doing this we often only need 50% effort.

Start with coast.

Stillness (which is even tone chakra radiating)

Stillness of course isn’t really stillness). A small dance.

Desire for connection to myself is needed before desiring to connect to another.

Warming up be aware of the internal body.

**

MK: My inner space is singing and dancing.
Because? There’s a blooming chorus like birds chirping and flying.

What is the relationship between inner and outer?

I think it is fluid. Outer of course is felt inside and inner expresses itself (even in a small dance) outside.

Dividing inner and outer may be helpful to isolate their realties but in life they are one flow! Inner is outer and outer is inner. One reality felt in different locations. (Is this true?)

PC: we can nap while dancing. Feel sound in tissues when talking or singing. This is a way to hear an inner-outer song. And of course feel the small dance inside as it is moving outside.

Wait for four transformations (feeling more than thinking) for significant actions. Patiently wait for inner to create outer.

If I don’t express my feelings (eventually) they turn into an ingrown toenail.

**PC questions about PC cells.

1. Can they go away. What are the possibilites, probabilities, of remission?

2. Do I need another biopsy? I hope not.

3. Do I need another PSA . I’m curious.

4. Is it true that only 10% are helped by radiation and lupron with my condition?

Gravity, Sensation and Breathing

2010-08-04T08:15:00.000-07:00

7-29-10

PC: Everything’s in all we do.

MK: I am just beginning to discover that I can let experience into my body. I feel humor inside as I do this. Experience is in my torso and the rest of me. Body experiences of what is happening.

PC: We are aware and aware we are aware.

MK: Awareness is different now. Not just my head.
Even aware I am aware can be cellular.

PC: Check breath, sensation, gravity (including momentum) in all moving.
You can change the dial related to each of these experiences. And change how much you focus.

Even too much seeing takes you away form your body, just focus less so seeing does not take over.

MK: I can be aware of what is new in my habitual movements. So I don’t need to try and be new.

PC: And an effort to be new also reveals.
In all these activities a light awareness of gravity (momentum) sensation and breath helps and is revealing.

PC: In flying pose don’t break your wrists away from your arms.

Toning: feeling a central line in you.
Central line from your prostate perineum up through your crown
And down to the ground.

Contact your prostate. Feel how delicious it is. Encourage healthy cells to thrive. Add anal sphincter to the delicious feeling.

Relaxed tone. Reach with fingers. Come down and up straight.
Wrists move as we go down straighten as we rise.

A Shamanic Healing Dance for PC Cells

2010-07-26T06:34:00.000-07:00

7-21-10:

PC: Feel your delicious impulse before and during action.

Action should not obliterate impulse or sensation or perception.

Feel (find) the impulse with the action.

All of this is warm-up.

Listen to and honor what is internal.

Sense your whole body.

MK: I can do this feeling my insides and my outsides and that they are part of one body.

PC: In order to give, go over 100% ecstasy you need to find ecstasy in 5% or 1% or even less.

To go over 100 let yourself be moved by physical forces like gravity and momentum.

MK: And also wind, sun, floor, sky.

PC: Feel breath, sensation and movement are always going on.
Recycle awareness.

*****
For Prostate Healing

PC: Feel your prostate as healthy.
Feel your prostate in relation to other parts of your body.

MK: My knees. Sole of my foot both need healing.

PC: Go back and forth between focusing on your prostate and on your knee, sole etc.

MK: I feel ecstasy in my prostate. I’m learning to tone it down. Just a little ecstasy. I don’t have to go overboard. I can feel 1% or less of ecstasy. Very freeing. I can feel prostate ecstatic energy roam around my body. I can focus it where I’d like to. Perhaps my PC cells were trying to do it. They can rest now. I’ve learned to spread prostate energy all around, up and down and to share it with my sweetheart and others in appropriate ways.

PC: Don’t forget to feel the floor.

**
Invite your guides in but ask them not to overwhelm you.

MK: My parents, grandparents, Jeshua, Miriam, Abraham, Sarah, Issac, Ishmael, Hagar all come to visit.
They sing and dance for me: Well, well, you are well. Michelle is coming and she’ll help you be well. Thank you for inviting us. Join the well dance with us. Well. Well, we are well, well.

I hear them also say: Let Michael in.
Let michael into the dance.
Join the dance of life Michael.
Your P cells will join you, be well with you
when you join into life. Not to overwhelm or be overwhelmed.

Let Patrick in too. You can feel what it is like to be Patrick, Feel your father, mother, grandparents, brothers, Michelle, and others. Be them too. And be you. Well. Well. Well, well.

MK: And God too. Welcome ol Yahway.

Yahway: I’m part of the musical comedy dance too Micael.

I drink orange juice; it symbolizes drinking my PC cells. The PC cells now part of me; Happy together with their host.

**
I cut paper. Put it on a candle. Paper burns with Patrick’s help.
PC cells are burnt up.

Serious Playing

2010-07-25T15:34:00.001-07:00

Patrick 7-16-10

MK: 1. Twisting without ending equals spiraling.
2. Sequencing (feeling the body move what adjoins it) without ending is rippling.

Patrick: First find the direction in your body before moving out of your body.

MK: For example I feel the stretch in my body before I stretch out.

PC: Feel the sole of your left foot play with expanding your soles.

MK: When you play with your foot it looks so beautiful. Probably because your whole body is involved rippling and spiraling. And probably because you are truly playing.

PC: When you stretch there no need to open your toes 100%.

Walking has all the play and openness of the body.

Being uncentered (especially when you are aware) is a form of centeredness.

All my teaching might be summed up:
Go slow.
It’s not necessary to stay in any position
Be aware (feel).
Don’t skip from where you are to where you are going.
Rarely 100%.

**
Play in a chair.
Dance with your chest is connected to your dance with your feet.
You can move from play to technique to play.

Walking can be heel, ball of foot, and then toe. But it is really swaying or rolling.
It can be outside of heel to inside of toe and visa versa.

*****
The many meanings of play:

Free exploring activity such as playing around.
A rope has play.
A game is play
Sometimes we play without rules.

I think if I can keep the sense of exploring, flexibility
(even here not seriously) I play.

Play has a way of becoming serious.
Soccer. Baseball. Writing a play.
I’m guessing that play is so much fun we’ve tried to seriously capture it.
How much fun to play tennis without keeping score.
To move enjoying the way our parts play, ripple, spiral
Without a serious end in sight.
And if there is an end to play with the end.
How much fun when children create their own king and queen play that is over when it is over. Sand castles are play.
It is so so relaxing (i.e. letting my body play) when I am playing with my goals rather than having to reach them!!!!!!!!!!
If I wrote this playfully we could erase all the explanation points.
I’d love to dance as if no one is watching.
Play without any chance of winning or losing.
Write plays in this way.

Maybe all re-creation if it hasn’t been co-opted by seriousness is simply fun. The original meaning of play: it is a word that is in contrast to serious work.

**
I believe I have been too serious, even seriously playing.
Perhaps this is a compensation for not remembering how to simply play as a child. I remember cheating my father when I was five. Crying whenever I lost. Play with others was as to win. Not to play. With myself I played cowboys and indians and even with the baseball player’s cards. I played witht heir names with games I made up. If their first and last names were closer to “A” they mvoed up.

So alone I played. But with others I had to win.

And now as an adult,I’ve been trying so hard to play.
As you would say we have what we’re trying to get.
What a relief, I am play full in many senses of the word:
1. twisting into spiraling the way a rope plays into spirals
2. sequencing into rippling the way waves ripple in water.
3. I just like playing around, making little playlets.
Perhaps no more oh so serious summaries of our work.
Just play full dancing with bodies, minds and words, and soles and souls. Even my PC cells have a great time playing around. Killing the host may be a small price to pay for play. Tho not killing the host creates a play that will go on for many more days.

How to Feel Beauty Full

2010-07-09T09:38:00.000-07:00

Bad Versus Good Bliss

2010-06-11T07:05:00.001-07:00

6-2-10

MK: Three challenges I see in myself:

1. Insecurity. I seem to often need response when I speak.
I come from not-enough-ness. Not respecting myself. No awe that I’m me. I can love myself and others, but that is different from respect (which etymologically means “to look again.”) When I feel the awe of me and others I want to cry. Both because we are so moving (like majestic mountains or trees) and because I missed how moving I and we are. When I feel my body (which might be why I am hurting it so, i.e. to be aware of it) I need to respect, or be in awe of, other bodies or I will bump into them (be they people or walls or cars.) My ecstasy needs to be felt in my body (sole to head) and then recycled into other bodies. Ecstasy (“standing out of our boyd) becomes awe when I am connected to and aware of the body I am standing out of. Standing out of of course is different from leaping out of, or leaving.
I might feel whole, O.K. grounded, self-respecting, awesome, when I dance this way with me and you. From this base—body to body, awe to awe—I may not need to have my words responded to. And I will not feel insecure and incomplete when there is no response to my “charming” and “wise” and “loving” and witty” words.) From not needing your response I am much more able to choose to desire wondrous fun interaction.

2. Inauthentic. I am uncomfortable simply dancing with me, being me in my body. I try too hard to have words be more than they can be. I can even try too much to have words be “authentic.”

3. Lack of fire. Since fire comes from my body, and I shy away from simply, really, inhabiting my body, I choose to have an experience of light that is not well connected to the fire-light in my body and in the earth, stars and all cells that creates light.

Patrick: You can turn the dial to your body so much that your mind stops. But be careful of your tendency to almost inhabit your body when you do this. Breathe into being focused on your body. Get a feel for your body. Inhabit your body. When you tune into your body you may feel a fire. You may see or imagine or be moved by the fire that is the source of your fire-light (that you may have seen only as Light.)

**

Be careful when you dwell too much on your wounded feelings and thoughts. You are often free to focus on wounds or on other happier things.

**

And be careful not to help others too much. Don’t overcaretake.
Because you were not inhabiting your body and therefore felt a profound emptiness or ungroundedness, you probably think or thought others needed as much as you. By caretaking you got groundedness from them that you needed to find in your own body.

Everyone has their own unique invaluable journey. We can all help each other but remember the song “You’ve got to walk that lonesome valley, you’ve got to walk it by yourself, ain’t nobody else can walk it for you. You’ve got to walk that lonesome valley by yourself.”

**

You, Michael, can parent yourself. Don’t just discover wisdom, bliss, spirit. Become the parent you need to hear from and experience the very particular wisdom and comfort your parenting can give you. Perhaps you need food, rest, a walk, a talk, a child pose, to meditate, exercise, have someone listen to you.

**

Feel the connection between your injured body-part (knee or neck) to your whole body. You can literally feel the movements of your knee reverberate through your body and the movements of your body reverberate into your knee. Your wounded knee wants to lovingly (i.e. harmoniously) be part of the dance of your whole body. Feel the rippling of your body with your knee and the rippling of your knee with your body. Back and forth you can dance. Knee, body, body knee.

**

Bad versus Good Bliss

Bad bliss is like a dead man walking. Or a dead man blissing. Bad bliss means you bliss out and don’t go back to the world. Bad bliss is leaving your body and becoming frozen with bliss. Bad bliss is a drug—like crack.

Good bliss moves your body. True bliss keeps recycling to mater in this moment.

Feet and Potency

2010-06-11T07:03:00.001-07:00

6-13-10

Patrick: We use our minds to focus on thoughts too much, judgments, self-judgements instead of employing our minds:

1. to feel sensation, emotion.

2. our vision or intention.

3. action.

These three areas are relegated to the anus of our soul.

**
exercise for knees.

Feet on wall.
aligned with each other.
Flex toes slowly fluidly toward body
while sitting.

Aiming sit bones back one ass check at a time.

**

PC:Awareness of skin and fluids (for example pulse)

MK: Can feel the blood that is pulsing? Not easy to.
I can feel the pulse beat in my head.

PC: Feel deeper into the places in your body that are not pulsing.
For potency don’t assume you won’t grow more and more potent.
Awareness of pulsing is focusing on the healing energy in the blood going to the area of your body that needs to be healed.

Inhabiting Our Body

2010-06-03T08:49:00.000-07:00

notes from Patrick:

inhabit the yoga pose. Feel at home in just this pose at this time.

Enter into the state of timelessness-spaciousness-surrender to the moment...

Dance with your feet. Undulate.

Wake up all the bones/muscles - parts of the feet so that this waking up, this undulation of the feet ripples up through the body. This is one part of the body coming into relationship with another and the whole body. When this happens a community is created that is transformative beyond the sum of it parts.

In all poses and other times which also are poses.

When in ecstasy don’t forget to recycle into world and walls.

Back into the matter or material (mater = mother) that is here at hand...

Play, dance, with stumbling into things like a clown.

You play and are played.

Remember it is often time to dial more body time.
i.e. feel the world truly with your body. At times your head can begin to fade away as a witness.

The head or really the mind is used to observe, focus, and act rather than to create thoughts about what is happening.

___________________________________

Love's Body

2010-05-28T08:46:00.000-07:00

5-20-10

MK: Focusing in on any body part (or anything) and I can feel the love, the organizational structure, the logos, that keeps it harmonizing, integral, working together both in itself and with the rest of the body and what is outside the body.

PC: By feeling your whole body you can sometimes better heal the part that is ailing or dis-eased.

MK: When I focus on my left ailing heal . . .

PC: It’s different when you decide with your mind to focus versus allowing your body to get around to focusing.

**

PC: Allow your breath to feel nourishing, loving as you inhale.

**

PC: You still look down so much.

MK: When I allow my head and eyes to feel how caressing the air is, and I am softly focused, I enjoy looking out onto the world.

**
When I am aware, in touch with, my body (it is of course always moving in a small dance) I feel love emanating from my body parts. Nothing special. They are a loving organization that keeps them alive. Just feel the love as I am moving.

My body includes what is inside. Blood. Breath, tissues, fluid. When my moving is from small dance to large dance
I don’t lose the love, the emanating love, from my body.
My mind is just a rarefied form of my body. My body , my tongue, lungs, breath making sounds with meanings. Or my body is a condensed form of my mind. Light, air, becoming concentrated. And light and air also loving, free.

Mind/body are in dance. Can change the dial. More mind or more body. Mind eventually enters with its play (like a small dance or rope has play).

PC: The focus we want in general is to be embodied. What does this mean? One of best ways to get this going is to warm -up. What does warming-up entail. 4 main phases:
1) sensation (for you need to be reminded that this means sensation of your physical structure)
2) breath
3) undulation/spiraling (twisting) movements/organ-elastic, slow pulsing movements
4) alignment (lengthening, reaching, leaning, pushing, connection of one body part to another)
5) feeling of momentum of physical structure moving into space

Then from here (or maybe #5) doesn't necessarily have to happen), you begin to explore the emotional, psychic, mental, or specific physical question (Agenda question) that is concerning you. This way you have the wisdom "underneath" you to support your exploration of what is concern. Without the body – the "warm-up", your exploration is likely to become a mental exercise where you may be further entrenching your old unhelpful patterns – emotional and physical.

Pain’s Rain

2010-05-20T15:08:00.001-07:00

Thursday 5-13-10

Agenda: Pain’s Rain

Breathing into pain,
exaggerate grouch—
enjoy all the ouch
like sips of champagne.

**
PC: One trap of exaggeration is it is not always needed. You can go to the sensation of your physical structure.

PC: You’ve been separate from others and separate from your body and your self.

MK: Pain comes to me in vibrations. Like energy vibrating through my bones. I think this is really my body that I have separated from. And when I exaggerate the pain (with body movements as well as words-- like a drunk, I feel the body part.
My pain is letting go of my identification with energy, with a body controlled by my mind AND feeling the play (looseness) of my body. When I am serious I hope to not freeze my body but let my body play. Words will come out of my mind when I let my body play. Words are a way my body reaches out to touch someone.

PC: Be careful of urgency. Desires, kisses, marriage are all bullying if they don’t want to democratically play with all of you.
Close your eyes and let your body move the way it wants to.

MK: This is a new feeling or reality of my body just moving the way it wants to without my mind controlling it. Before it was too dangerous since I had such violent movements. Now that I feel my body is loved I am able to move way less violently. In safe situations like this one my body moves the way it wants to.

PC: It’s safe because you’ll just practice your urges without letting them dominate your life.
Move in an undulating delicious movement to get into a trance state. This state can open you to bigger movements.

MK: Kids are in a natural trance state when they play, babies when they stare.

PC: You can turn the dial to more body or more brain-body (i.e. mind-body).

MK: My brain can dance while it is thinking.

PC: You can end your playful body state enough to talk about it, without killing it.

You can enjoy the unrelating body and then enjoy the possibilities of going into the relating body. Dial can be turned from 100 solo to 100 we. Solo is you in relation to the larger physical forces in and beyond you. This may be something like what Jung meant by the “Self” with a big “S.” You can feel momentum, different depths in your body (i.e. feel the inside of your arm, bones etc). You can feel the air, light, spirit of or in the room or outside. Sometimes it may help to by-pass the people in the room and just feel the larger forces before coming back to the here, now, but this time with the larger forces with you.

MK: Solo is still in relation because it is a gift of the community to encourage free solo behavior. Perhaps I can move with the sense of the gift of the community of freedom which from momentum will go back to the community. The life I have been given to be me dies into we and gets reborn back into me.

PC: It’s important to name what is going on. A narrative (like you are a child being re-born) helps. How to have space, set limits, break limits. Urgency versus sustainability. Sift and assimilate through your body these new states!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Roominess, spaciousness to see/feel what is happening.
Amnesia forgetting how you w anted to marry Maya, Carmi, and Barbara in the first months you were together.
Memory will come from meditation and healing trance.
Give your body time to make connections.

MK: It’s so nice to have a body more without being told to.

Freeing the Pain Body

2010-05-07T09:04:00.000-07:00

5-6-10

Agenda: Confusion in sex with my new woman friend.

PC: Go into a trance. [Inhaling to a count of sevena nd exhaling to a count of seven helps.] Close your eyes. Focus on your body.
Make sure all parts of your body are part of the trance/dance.
Listen to nature (the wind blowing) too.
You can share pain when you are touching your friend.
What do you experience.

MK: My penis isn’t joining in.

PC: Focus on it.

MK: It wants to be bigger than it is. A substitute penis. Just as I used to have a substitute body to protect me.

PC: Keep focusing.

MK: Now I feel a smaller penis with blue light around the tip. The blue light is like sky. I feel so much more real when I feel
sky, roominess in, through and around me.
The trance still feels like I have fur around my body. My cat was my main squeeze for three and a half years. But I can modulate my trance. Have it just be a tiny trance. This helps me feel a little better. I enjoy contact improvization or bare foot boogie so much more than the challenges of sexual love with my new woman friend. In contact I can be solo or feel a duet or even a weee letting the dance take over. I can feel physical, sensual, sexual, spiritual ecstasy while dancing. Even talking to you (while you sit on the orange chair) is now an ecstatic and pleasant dance for me.

What is the difference between these safe at a distance dances and the more intimate interaction with my new friend, Roxanne? With Roxanne I feel like we are cycling are energy, love, pleasure, ecstasy back into each other. I need to breathe more feel more roominess when I do this. This is all new to me. I want to kiss and cuddle and hug her for 20 hours when I visited her cabin in the woods. Confusing. I thought I was leaving hell when I drove away. I had no desire to eat. I tried reading a little poetry. I get stuck in the physical. I’m not sure I can feel a spiritual presence when I am with her. Feeling sexual is easier on the phone, I tell her. Find her more and more fascinating. I love listening to how she puts together her awkward cliché ridden sentences. I tell her she is a wolf child I was blessed to discover.

PC: You needed all those kisses and hugs to fill a hole in you that you didn’t acknowledge was there. You too are a wolf-child who needs a kind woman’s kiss and touch. Of course you have to distinguish her from your mother.

MK: My mother in me, at least in my mind but maybe not in my body, has merged with mother earth or the great cosmic mother.

PC: And in your body?

MK: Roxanne has kissed me so tenderly that an erector set I imagined inside, trying to protect me, has been kissed away and my vulnearable body, maybe with way less or no defenses (except natural ones like flight or fight is now exposed.

PC: I think you have:

a. A control body
b. A pain body. [MK: My pain body in part arose with Mom hitting and not letting me cry til my bones got too hard and hurt her hands. And I never felt I wanted to hit back.]
c. A healing body (or healed body that wants to emerge.)
d. an ecstatic body that can be a by-pass body--i.e. hiding the pain with a certain distant ecstasy. But the ecstatic body is also the the nature of your healed body. And ecstasy helps heal.

MK: Ecstasy feels like a loving freeing fluid that lubricates pain and allows pain to flow away.

PC: Unless ecstasy chooses to by-pass pain. When ecstasy is a by-pass it has a glass ceiling and glass floor. It can only go so far.
Remember your ecstasy did not include feeling your feet on the floor and moving while feeling your feet and legs move with fun and ecstasy.

MK: I feel my healing or healed body wants to bud out but my Pain Body says [while it stands erect (as men should) and struts around the room.]
I made your life livable. Even the prostate cancer the docotrs told you you have hasn’t killed you or harmed you yet. I don’t want to let go and let a little baby healing body take over.

My Healing Body says: [While it crawls on the floor and makes baby sounds and explores the world like a baby] OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
The pain is still there but the pain is surrounded, infused, comforted, love, caressed and moved to flow away by these healing sounds.

PC: When I go to sadna [healing sacred community like a meditation circle] I go to be healed. I don’t care what anyone else thinks. The same for dances for you. Keep dancing. Remember sometimes you can heal by doing your usual activities even if there is pain.

MK: When I go into trance I find a new body.
This new body by nature is in relation to all other bodies.
No more alienation. I thought as you left that the answer to letting the healing body get through the pain body was to spring off the floor, like we do in tango. To choose connection vigorously. But I now see as you always say:

PC: What we want is already here.

MK: So I just allow a connection that is there to be there for real (not by making it happen). Although it is very helpful to do what my physical thertapist taught me to heal my wrist. Very gently to bend my wrist through the pain. My back was healed the same way. By gently carrying heavy loads even if I had just hurt my back. It’s the same as the push through the floor my tango teacher taught. The response of my leg, body, psyche to the floor and letting that momentum move through my body into your body and the floor. When I feel this connection I feel that we are (as this session shows) making something together that includes us. I feel like the yin/yang drawing. I am helping make something, like a child, but it includes me. I solo, duet or join weee, but whichever I do I am part of the scene even when I solo. Before this session I thought there was a separate me that joined for weeee. But now even soloing, or dueting feels like the way that we both allow me to choose to be--i.e. many relationships or countries do not allow us to choose to solo: Soloing is the gift of the community.

***

Circulating Democracy

2010-05-06T07:41:00.001-07:00

Legs, feet and head from og.
Back to og.
Circulating democracy.

**

2 sex exercises:
timed asking for what we want.
Or giving what we want.

**

Instead of looking down, eyes can be sensual.
Taking in the delights into our og.
And I have a habit of holding in my chest these lovely
feelings instead of recycling these feelings back to nature
Even typing these words can be a recycling.

Abuse in the past made the sensuous world too much.
Now I can regulate it and move with it.

**
Patrick moved me on pillows to try to open my chest out
So I would not look down so much.

**
Tantric sex is from the center of our body to our feet as well as our head. We are like a star.

Cleansing by Kicking and Vomiting

2010-04-25T08:21:00.000-07:00

[Actual Session with Imagined Additions]

Patrick: You can always adjust the dial of how much you focus on words versus body. You can change your focus. More focus on body may mean less on words. Talk will then naturally be embodied.

When you stay in your body there is more true healing, emotion,
speech, body-spirit. And more connection.

[Patrick noticed that when I was talking with him and my new friend I jutted my chin out. In my mind I was:
1. Trying too much to have my usual banter with Patrick. Then I retreated and focused on my new friend. But I only did this with my attention. I didn’t let my body dance with her while we were sititng.

2. When I do allow my body to dance with her I feel I have the fur of my cat as skin. My cat has been my main squeeze for 4 years. This reality becomes clear when I dance with my new friend who is a human being with human skin. Like a snake I’ll have to shed my animal skin to allow a new skin to emerge.

3. I also feel a cutting in my body through my groin that goes through my head. It feels like I am a sliced piece of meat. I have never let my body be loved or loved from my body. Always I held back. Now the love connection, desire for connection, is cutting through me. No wonder I want to leave my body behind my jutting chin.
When I do focus on my insides I feel a new miky wants to be born.

4. My ankle is still hurting, slowly getting better.
I tell Patrick: my foot wants to kick.

PC: Why? What is your foot expressing?

MK: Get the fck away from me or I’ll kick you where it hurts.

Patrick: Focus your support on the leg you do not want to kick. With that other leg support kick up. Don’t do it jerkily or with tension.

MK: Can that hatred be danced with?

PC: Part of a good dance is enjoying, gracefully, pushing people away. Let’s try.

[When Patrick and I kick together our feet kick each other’s foot.
Ouch. My foot again hurts. Patrick tells me to do nothing and listen to my foot. Healing involves listening. What is the foot saying?

Mk: Do nothing.

PC: Rest for as long as you need to.

[after 15 minutes I am ready for more.]

PC: What is the dialogue between your foot and your body?

MK: We enjoy the harmony.

PC: Guides can also help. Can you hear a guide? Embody your guide?

MK: I can hear Jesua say love each step, love your way. And I can imagine Jeshua is joining my body.

PC: How are you two joining?

MK: I feel vomit. My entire life I did not really let anything or anyone in. Even I was outside of I. So my life is undigested and I spew it out as vomit.

PC: What a clear or clearing place to begin. Congratulations.
When you are ready [and take all the time you need] let’s have a celebration dance. It will be a very small dance. Just stand and allow your body to move but not fall.
1. Eyes closed take in whatever you are feeling, moving, touching. Breathe these sensations all the way in. Give yourself all the time you need to take in the pressure from the floor, the feel of the air in your lungs.
And take in however your body moves while you are doing this.

2. Do the same small dance with eyes open.

MK: I feel so peace full, refreshed when I allow the pressure from the floor, the tingling from my ankle, the brown of the floor, your happy eyes all the way in and through me.

PC: What about your guide Jeshua?

MK: He’s sweeping the floor away with me [I sweep] all the vomit I’ve spewed.
He offers me a glass of water from my water filter. “Drink and take the water all the way in. Be clean, whole,and don’t forget, as Patrick says, to feel the sensations of this water and the glass.

MK: [I go to the tap and drink a glass of filtered water. It may be the first time I focus on the sensation of my lips on the glass, the taste of the water before I drink and feeling the water enter my stomach. I offer a glass of water to Patrick, we clink glasses, and he drinks as I slowly finish my glass of water.]

Feet Play

2010-04-21T10:36:00.000-07:00

Hi Michael,

Good notes!

Question: Are you doing your feet play (ankle rolls, flexing and pointing, rolling to inside and outside, figure 8's, moving from full engagement of all 26 bones of each foot?

More comments below...

LOVE

Patrick Crowley
patrick@patrickcrowley.net
617.320.9792
www.patrickcrowley.net

On Apr 15, 2010, at 4:14 PM, Psicorn@aol.com wrote:

4-15-10

Patrick’s response to 4-10

PC: All bones of feet can be felt when exercising your ankle.

Figure eight with your ankles.

Feet as paws alive on the floor.

Enjoying your own speed and the speed of things
enables vulnerability.

...enables attunement to self and other, presence and vulnerability.

*****

MK: After I tell the story of my night with a new friend Patrick imitates my rigid torso and looking down head telling this story.

The head looking out taking in your environment as your center feels and dances can be a ongoing practice (OP). But we need to have the warm-up time before this where you come into your center and tissues so that then you are developmentally ready to have your head and eyes be present to the environment while your center is feeling (ground, partners, your own momentum/gravity/mass/touch.

PC: Be aware of the dial of verbosity in relationship to the dial of your body.

And to turn up the body dial and turn down the verbosity dial.

When you stay in your body (while talking) more true mind and emotions and speech and body and spirit arise.

MK: I tell my story again and feel how the emotions move my body which move my emotions and thoughts etc etc.

___________________________________
http://michaelkoran.blip.tv/
http://www.windweaver.com/michaelkoran/
http://www.windweaver.com/michaelkoran/blogs.htm
If you would like to receive one of my poems every day,
every week or on your birthday, please let me know.

=

Healthy Desire

2010-03-17T08:26:00.000-07:00

comments below...

On Mar 4, 2010, at 6:45 PM, Psicorn@aol.com wrote:

March 4 Healthy Desire

From notes to Feb.25

Patrick: When you let people through you it is fraught with danger for someone like you. You disappear.
You need to really feel when people are in you or you in them.
What does it feel like? What emotions arise?
Healthy intercourse includes weight coming in.
Knowing, feeling, they are receiving.

Crucial Question: How can you take the sphere you are healthy in and find a romantic partner?
Feeling desire is not the same as feeling needy desire.

Mike: For example when I moved away from Patrick during the contact jam I could have checked in and felt a great desire to dance with him. Not out of need, but out of the desire to have a wonder full dance.

Patrick: You separate from people because of your needy desire.

Mike: Tricky. One of my “needy desires” is to want to be, need to be, other than I am. A healthy desire is to be who I am, love who I am, love what arises, even IF IT IS A NEEDY DESIRE.

I would say here that "to be who I am, love who I am, love what arises: is a healthy desire, not a needy desire at its essence. There may be be an unhealthy way way you go about it. BUt it is important not to confuse the 2. b/c you have needy aspects to this healthy desire does not make these desire "needy". That is putting confusion where there should be none. The way you are going about it may be needy, but these desires in themselves are not needy.

Whether something is healthy or needy is about intention. Are you in the intention to learn or are in the intention to control? Are you in curiosity or are you in ambition?

My healthy sphere can be with all kinds of desire. I do not have to act on them.

Patrick: But it is crucial for you to feel (even dance) these emotions. The wanting is you. Tune into your desires of the moment. What are you aware of now? What do you want now?

Mike: Desire is PART of the love field between us. Sharing desire in love is the Opposite of needy for love. I attracted and was attracted to Sarai precisely because I was not in touch with my desire. Healthy desire is transforming. I become part of we without losing me. But I am now part of we and still can feel decide what I want or desire. When I said I discovered the dark side of eros which enabled me to loving be with Sarai really means that I just feel my desire and how it transforms what we do. My desire to take her to the ocean (she desired to see) transforemd our day.

Patrick: Freud said we want to fuck everybody. Jung said we want to spiritually be alive, creative, which includes love-making.

What I am paraphrasing from Freud & Jung: Freud said we are afraid we or do want to fuck everyone so we created religion to subliminate this urge. Jung said our essential urge is toward spirituality and creativity but because we are scare of this or don't know how to handle it, we take these urges into the bedroom.

**
Feel your great pain in not having a relationship.

Mike: Sadness comes. Ouch. And these emotions too are part of the sphere of love. I love feeling my pain and sadness, loneliness, lack of energy, failure.

Patrick: Imagine the kind of relationship you’d like.

Mike (after resisting for quite awhile finally gets that imagination can be built on real experiences.) My composite is someone as talented as Barbara, someone I laugh with like Becky (and feel very much a man in command) and someone who is as talented as a love-goddess as Sarai AND someone who is a good healthy enough person like Christie, Charlie, Annie, Paul, Beverly.
I am still a little confused about entering the dance floor with desire for a partner, since in the past that was a recipe to having a bad time. But in the past my desire was apart from my healthy, loving sphere. Now I am allowing in my desire. It feels or I feel flirtatious like Sarai. My desire comes from the center of my body.
I enjoy my desire. It’s mine. I enjoy the desirous, delicious journey towards a partner. When overwhelmed I can press my idiot button but still be aware of sensations (listening). And I forgot the fifth way of Nancy Stark Smith.

It is important to look at why imaging something brings up so much resistance. To imagine is similar to creating. If you cannot create, then what? Yes it is very helpful sometimes to use one's experiences as a jumping off place for your imagination. But it is very helpful not to do that if your experiences about something are based in incorrect of limiting beliefs and interpretations.

NSS's 5 non-sequential, anytime, all the time aspects:
Listening (engaging the senses)
Gap (a space where you do not know what you are doing)
Streaming (one's life fore energy underlying everything)
Idiot Button (Press this when the mind stops you from being able to process the moment; return to sensation)
Telescoping Awareness (Zooming in & out from small to big)

_

Words become Part of Life

2010-03-17T08:25:00.000-07:00

3-11-12 Words Become Part of Life

Patrick: Check which parts do not feel alive:
Tense, weak, numb?
Direct attention to them through movement and poses.
Be aware of sensations, breathing.
DON’T DENY YOUR FEELINGS OF DIS-EASE.
ALLOW THEM TO COMMUNICATE TO YOU
AND MOVE FROM THEIR DIS-EASE TO THEIR EASE. YOU CAN HELP THE DIS-EASE, JOIN IT, GUIDE IT AS LONG AS YOU DON’T TRY TO CRUSH OR DENY YOUR DIS-EASE.
There is a power in being with what is.
You can allow your stillness to fill up until there is nowhere else to go but to move.
There is a pleasure in coming to and falling off balance
which many of us do not feel because we are unaware or cover over or control the natural balancing momentum.

Desire is in intention,
which is in streaming,
which is feeling our body/self solo.
I lose the sense of streaming when I have an urge for words that takes over. The urge comes from an ancient desire to hide or pass or please or impress with words rather than simply soling and dancing with you.
The desire to speak, urge to speak, can hide from other desires.

My original desires were so violent, needy, embarrassing that I hid from them. Another self with it’s own desires, especially to pass as a true self, covered for me.

When you were young, your parents desires may have been violent and they told you your intention were violent and society's intentions are often violent. So of course you might feel if you let go to your desires, they would be violent and they might start off that way but if you kept a curiosity and kept checking in with your truth, the violence will fall away to reveal...love.

So it is a great challenge, a wonder full challenge, to discover my true, real desires now. Or are all desires true even the ones to hide. Don’t I need a conversation or convocation of desires. When to kiss. Yes but no. no. no.
I don’t want to start a relationship with her or him!!
Or when I was enticed into bed with Sarai. I didn’t really want to tho some part of me did. Alas I did not have that conversation them. Fortuantely I eventually did I took her out of bed to walk with me by the ocean.

Desires are so captivating and addictive if we are not checking in, we can go on a roller coaster momentum that takes us away from the true desires. That is why many master talk about waiting. Waiting brings us into the spaciousness that allows the layers to peel off to reveal the truth. Most outer layers are somewhat false.

Patrick: Our inner child can reveal true desire.

Michael: AT LEAST TO KNOW WHAT IT WANTS.

Patrick: AND WHAT DOES YOUR ADULT THOUGHTS AND DESIRES SAY/WANT? But crucial of course is to know what the inner child wants. Inner child needs to have its urges, desires heard.

**
Patrick: Feel your spaciousness, feel your senses palpate. Enjoy the sensation of sounds.

Michael: Maybe the urge to speak, sensations of the urge, can be enjoyed, so words come out more easily when there is time.

**
Patrick: The whole dance is a warm-up.

Mike: A warm up for what? Maybe life? Hmm?

Warming up is an arrival into the body and also a form of this waiting, this spaciousness to allow the truth through the body to come forth.

Dance as prayer suits me better: all actions, intentions, desire, streaming is part of the prayer to be the loving, joyful, free world I want for all of us.

**
Even when I hear or give myself instructions,
such as finishing this sentence,
I need to
pause--
dance with the instructions--
check out if I want to follow them
or when I do—
or how much of them I do—
and with what intensitiy
what dial on the scale of one to ten
do I want to follow them.
AND I DON’T WANT THE INSTRUCTIONS
TO TAKE ME AWAY FROM THE STREAMING FLOW
I am feeling.

YES!

**

Patrick: Make the sounds from the moving you are doing.
Not an over-sound. Not a sound unconnected to physical movement sound.

Michael: I get caught up in the sound and cover with sound what is happening.

**
I can also wait to let my words describe simply what is happening.
My words, maybe always, are on a min-second delay.
Which is why they have to work so hard to give the imprecision of being part of the stream of life.

When anyone calls a show there is a delay between when speakking words and when the words are heard on the show. So they can be censored if they are bad.

I do the same. Which cuts me off from the life, the emotions, that generated the words. Very subtly and very destructively.
I’d love words to rise from the pool of experience (including sensations, physical forces, momentum, emotions—in me
and preferably from what is happening around me.

When I feel an urge to speak it is often
a desire to hide from a feeling of not existing.

All the great masters are trying to get this state of "not existing". You must be enlightened. Though you are also like the Romans, you come upon Jesus only to crucify him...! But to address the difficulty you are talking about...you are talking about the imitation "not existing" which stays when we shun it. I am talking about the healthy not existing.

But now, thanks to you and our work, I can simply feel my weight, sensations, breath, movement including small dance and even sounds in and around. No compulsive urge to speak if I am happy small dancing.

Fearful of Not Being Playful

2010-02-26T11:48:00.002-08:00

2-18-10 Fear of Not Being Playfull

Play Day

She jumps on me,
squeals, “My horsey,”
pulling my ears
she has no fear
letting me know
which way to go
til moves are fun
and everyone
moving with me
may play horsey.

Patrick: We know play’s here when we think it’s not here.

Breath and sensation help create momentum.

Mike: Fear of not being playful made me a master of ceremonies.
I get up tight when I feel how taut (unplayful) I am. And when I rush to think or talk I get up tight or taut. If I can return to the play of my body, I can untighten. Momentum is letting my play play.

Patrick: Even tautness can be play. You can scoop back your unpleasant patterns into play. So pay attention to your sensations and breath and let go of being deprived of play and neediness to get it. Our deepest serious moments are humorous. They come from the part of us that is literally playing. Nothing has to happen because it is already happening.

Mike: This mantra might be true sometimes for some people.
Of course it alas was not true for Haitians who died under the rubble. Tortured prisoners. Poor people needing money etc.
But sometimes if I am aware I can sense that the love or play I am looking for is right here! In the past the truths of my body went to my head (my body was too much in pain, my feelings too unmanageable, to for me to feel my feelings.). Now, much thanks to you, my body can communicate directly. Sensing is not taken over by my mind. My desires can guide my mind into desirable actions.

Patrick: Still pay attention to the clarity of simple emotions:
Fear, joy, anger, love, sadness, happiness. There may be no story with primal emotions. They are simply what they are.

Michael: And feeling empty or ecstatic are also emotions.

Patrick: Feeling luscious or delicious is a more physical feeling than bliss.

Roomy

2010-02-26T11:48:00.001-08:00

2-25-10

Roomy

While I am lying on a horizontal tree trunk
split off from the vertical trunk
you massage my body
feeling the tree trunk dance inside my body
with much of me made of air
with room to spare
so what’s around, in or over ground
dances with the tree in me
and thee.

***

I am able to let people into my psyche
or even through--
just like you taught me touch someone
and feel the floor
coming through.

I don’t need to disassociate to let them through.
I disassociate when I am afraid.
When I feel roomy I can let people in my roomy psyche.

Patrick. There are at least three states: feeling people as outside (they could even just be landscape), feeling them inside, and feeling they are going through.

Michael: When I feel you in me I feel am relating to you. There are many possibilities. We could solo within, meet, merge, be we and then be the dance.

Patrick: Lead all of me with all of you.
What is it like to go into me.

Michael. I need to do it step by step. Feel your hand with mine.
Feel my warmth going into your palm. Slowly feel (or imagine) being inside your hand. I lead or follow you with my guts, heart, and head to foot leading or following your guts, heart and head to foot.

Patrick: When we’re roomy there are so many possiblities that are freed. So many parts of us, like our heart, imagination, kindness can move, grow. And there are so many ways to move. Let the kindness that is here be here. We can vibrate with another hand, heart, brain, feet. Or our own. Focus on a smile. And particular focus of course reveals how unending a hand or arm is when we focus. Being roomy is really being with God. An unending room for unending occupants of our room.
And we unending in their unending room.
And of course these unending rooms in you and me can becomce one with our dance. And be our dance. An unending roomy dance. And whenever you feel bliss, spiral back into physical particulars.

final copy 2000

2010-02-13T09:38:00.000-08:00

Dry Bones Come to Life first 25 pages

2010-02-09T06:27:00.000-08:00

“Dry Bones . . . Come to Life” Ezekiel 37:5

Introduction

My girl-friend, while we were dancing, screamed at me, “Where’s the Juice?”

Another friend had told me while we were dancing, with as much patience as she could, “ Move your hips.”

A third friend wondered, “Why don’t you move your feet when you dance?”

I remember Stan Strickland, the best saxophone player in Boston, moving across a huge gymnasium while playing his saxophone to a room full of joyful dancers. I was joyful too--especially because the great Stan Strickland appeared to be walking straight towards me. He put down his saxophone when he got closer and opened his mouth. The loud drumming from the drummers made it impossible for me to hear what Stan was saying to me. When he stopped in front of me, I could finally hear his words, “Move with the rhythm.”

So, I needed a dance Teacher. I met a man I’ll call “Teach” in a one-day workshop called “The Fundamentals of Movement.” I asked him if he would come to my home and teach me how to move and dance.
I thought Teach would look at how I moved and offer suggestions. Instead we began with the fundamentals of movement. He asked me, “Stand, breathe and be aware of how your body moves where it wants to. The only intentional movement is to stop yourself if you are going to fall.” Teach said that this is called a “Small Dance.”

I answered “It’s good to feel I am always dancing whether I know it or not. Teach said, “Now you are ready to begin.”

**

We met once a week for ten years. This book consists of excerpts from ten years of notes taken during and after these meetings. Writing these notes helped me remember, what happened during our meetings. Re-reading these notes for this book, helped me remember how Teach taught me, again and again again how to enjoy moving. I hope these notes help you too move with joy.

Almost all our sessions were in my kitchen. My kitchen is about 15 feet by 15 feet. A six foot table is on the wall opposite the sink and stove. We dance between this table and the sink. I often interrupt our work to write notes into a ringed notebook that lies on this table. Before Teach comes I push a 3 foot round table to the glass door that opens to the roof. When he enters it is a dramatic moment. Will I remember to dance while I say “hello?”
Teach sits in the orange armchair next to the six foot table. I sit in a rocker before him when I sit. We often eat my homemade breakfast of granola before we begin our session. When I start to tell Teach what I would like to explore for the session, he insists that “You can only talk if you are dancing.” This command alone has changed my life. I eventually realized I am always moving or dancing when I talk. My head no longer controlled my speech. Words came from my moving body. After I was eventually able to ask for some of the things I wanted to learn, Teach would often simply command, “Floor.” And down I would go--which was not often good enough. I had to learn to fall down to the floor in a spiral.

I feed Teach lunch after we meet. It is hard for me to talk with him after we work. The poet Octavio Paz wrote that “Lovers help each other discover the bodies hidden in their body.” I almost always feel I’ve discovered a new way to be and move with my body during our work—so it is very hard to simply talk when I feel so new and vulnerable. Teach also taught me, “It’s O.K. to just sit with your vulnerable feelings.

Teach commanded me to write a few pages about how I feel after editing ten years of our journals. “Use many images” he commands, mainly because I usually write abstractly.

The first image that comes to me after editing this book, can be introduced by my poem,

Snailing Along—Singing My Song

A human among humans
or a shlep among shleps
I’m honored to join is
always doing my best.

One of the two characters in these journals often embarrasses me.
At times he seems pretty pathetic—like a man shlepping along.
I’ve not left out embarrassing parts. I sound to myself like an adolescent, maybe 16, trying to figure out how to live and love.

I remember wandering the streets of Cambridge. Looking for a friend’s home. Telling myself to put one foot in front of the other. And I do. I was confused by two streets that seem to be close to one another but then diverge. Where is her home? I’ll find it. Eventually, after getting lost and confused, one foot in front of another got brought me to her home.
In my better moments I say, good for me for recording how awkward in body and mind I was and am. If I can learn to put one foot in front of another anyone can.

I was part of a New Year’s Celebration on Jan 1, 2010. Many of us danced surrounded by a circle of drummers. I had as much energy as the 6 year-old girl dancing with us. I was jumping, leaping, twirling, running, and joining other people in the dance. I yelled animal sounds as I jumped as high as I could. The drums got louder. I followed the young girl skipping behind her. Faster and faster, louder and louder the drums and I and the girl went. I danced for about an hour with anyone who joined the circle. While moving I smiled at all the drummers. Most smiled back. It was a healing consummation of my ten years working with Teach. And if I can do this, anyone can—especially if you are six.

I hope you too, after reading about our work together, will discover:

* many new ways to love to move.
* all our moves are dance.
* our moving-dance is joyful, loving and healing

I wrote a song, “Heavens Are Us” I pray will be true for you too after you learn what Teach taught me.

We’re the song and dance of God--
even when feeling very odd--
aware our body’s aligning
we sense moves and sounds divining.

**

2000

My Mother dies. Ten years later I am able to write:

“Dry Bones . . . I Will Make Breath Enter You and You Will Come to Life” Ezekiel 37:5

I’ve little memory
of mother hitting me
with painful ecstasy.
Numb in mind and body,
I break glass when she’s gone—
imagine breaking bones,
moving me to scream, moan:
Sensing bone marrow frees
her to breeze, me to breathe.

**

May 3 2000

He gets down on all fours
and pulls my body over his back.
I dangle there.
It feels eerie and free.
I am totally dependent on him.
If he doesn’t hold me well I will fall.
I feel like a see saw.
I sway back and forth easily.
I must never forget he is right:
that my body does have a physical center,
While dangling on top of his back I tell him:
“This gravitiantional center feesl so much more than just a physical center when I feel it from the inside.
Feeling it from the inside
my center flows
with sap.
I feel like a flower or a tree.”

**

Aug 13, 2000

Teacher: Let your hands move down on your exhale as your feet move down. Then both are to go up on the inhale.
Let your breath move your arms up into roundness.

Student: I learned what I most hate about this movement class is treating my body as if it was a thing to be moved.
Ug!
Giving over my power, my body, to my Teacher.
Not saying anything while he instructs me.
It’s freeing in a way. I don’t have to in any way control my body.
Just go with the flow.
What is so awful is that I am moving my body like it is a slab of meat. I feel this ignores my insides. I feel eviscerated. You may be too healthy to understand.

Teacher: What would you like me to say?

Student: Tell me to feel what it feels like to breathe
And thenonly when you feel moved, move your arms up with your breath. You don’t have to do it on my time.
Feel the distinction between having a body,
as if your mind owned your body
and being a body.

**

Breaking glass Sept. 10 2000

Because my mother died last month, I wanted to break glass when you were here. When you didn’t encourage me to break a glassI wanted to hurt you.

I broke a glass a few days after you left.
I carefully put my favorite tall jelly jar glass
in a tupperware bowl and got my hammer
and with one easy stroke
Bam Bam thank you mam.
I finally hit my mother back.

**

Body and Other Sept. 17 2000

It is so freeing when you encourage me
to just ignore you and move any way I want to.
In exchange for cash.
we have created a space and time
where you let me ignore you.
I can simply move the way I feel.
Like a little baby
or dead man
stirring to life.

But it feels lonely moving this way—
I want more—
connection.
Even just a little connection--
A little flow between us.

Dare I open my eyes now--
not lose my body/self while watching you.
It feels so much more loving
when I first start with eyes closed and I feel cold/hard/ distant/uncaring.
Closed eyes lets me be who I am.
Oct. 28 2000

We discover humorous dancing.

It felt fun watching hands when talking.
There’s something funny about paying attention
to your lips while your mouth is mouthing words.
I don’t care what you say
as long as I can watch our bodies move.

Teacher: Be aware of how the caged heart moves.

** **

The Love and Gut Body Dec. 17 2000

Teacher: Feel the snake from our mouth to your anus.
Allow the snake to move you.
Undulate you.
Feel its hunger.
Growl with it.
Slither.
Breathe in with desire.
Feed me. Yum.
Enjoy desire.
Yum.
Breathe in the air.
Floor.
Suck suck.
Slurp slurp.
Flicker. Flicker.
Open mouth towards
any other bodies that happen to be good to eat.
Move gut body move.

Student: My gut body was/is hurt.
The little baby cries for food.
His parents only feed him on schedule.
When it’s time to feed him
He refuses.
His father holds him down.
His mother pours an egg down his throat.

Teacher hold big Student down.
forces his mouth open.
Student clamps it shut.

Student: [Screaming] No! No!

Teacher succeeds in opening Student’s mouth.

Student is defeated
Until the next feeding.
Student curdles fetal like in any corner he can find.
No desire now.
Desire is too painful.

Teacher: But now the gut body can be free--
dangerously free.
Let it move however it wants to move.
Large movements.
Giant snake.
Undulating fast and slow.
Sucking in.
Hissing out.
Fun. Fun.
Feel the skin slither on the floor.
Slither with the air.
Slither on anyone’s skin.
Mouth taking in nourishment.
Pleasure.

***

Teacher: Moving from the center of your body
feel the sap.
Feel the flow of blood from your heart.
Feel the love invade your torso.
Love locked in your torso.
The heart is loving
when it can simply feel itself
in its torso.
Let your arms be moved by your heart.
Feel the love flowing in your arms.
Feel it in your legs.
And let the head be moved by your torso.
Feel the love in your head.

Student: Hard to talk now.

Teacher: Don’t leave your love body
And go into your mind.
Let sounds come out of your lovebody.
Any words?

Student: Love uh dub dub.

Teacher: Good.

Student: And can the love-body energies
invade the mind?

Teacher: Careful.
Enemy territory.
Mind may even speak of love,
even speak of the lovebody
and still be speaking lovelessly.
Beware of minds that speak about hearts.
2001

1-14-01

Teacher: To be in touch with your larger body/self
relax: limp wrists, limp body.
This is a very different body/self than
your separated body self.

Student: I can feel connected.
Close my eyes.
Endless connection in the dark.
No me, no you.
In the night all bodies are one.

Can I keep this connection when we open our eyes?
How?
Slowly open.
No eye glasses.
Still fuzzily connected.
Can I then know that the sharp definition
I and You
are separations
from the same
I-You field?
So easy to protect the separated I.
Not easy to be the connected I-You.

**

5-1-01 OBJECTIFICATION OF BODIES

Very Dear Teacher,

YOU LEAVE OUT THE PRONOUNS
WHEN REFERRING TO MY BODY
AND YOU SAY MOVE FROM "GUT" OR "HEART"
OR WORST OF ALL "CENTER"
IT SOUNDS AS IF THESE ARE BODY PARTS
YOU OR YOUR CAR or I BUMP INTO.

**

10/3/01 Terrorism

Fun attacking with my fist
and almost hitting my dance Teacher
in the gut
whenever
he says "get out of your head and into your body."
Can I do this with myself?
Pow! Pow!
The same ax I imagine my fireman father hitting me with
can I play withthis imagined ax hitting myself
like a clown?
Why not?
Your dead Student dumb down deader than dead
whenever you’re stuck in your head.
2002
January 14, 02

Maybe my friend Cody is right
and I should glue my hands on my heart
and tape my mouth shut--
And then I could do
a new kind of dance--
a heart dance.

Letting my heart energies
move through my neck
to support my head
enabling me
to move and dance with my physical head
infused with love.

**
2-8-02 Curves

I learn to take my staccato movements
and without losing the energy from the sharp movements
I smooth out the edges.
and make the movements
into
flowing ones.

Teacher: Let your torso join in this flowing movement
and then initiate movement through
your hands.
Feel your breath
move through
your hands
and let energies you feel from
standing on the floor join in the dance.

**

Healing Feb. 26 02

Teacher: First sense what is going on in your diseased area. Really feel the bodily sensations. How do the sensations make you move? Any images?
How do the images make you move? Make sounds and speak words only if they come from the movement.

Strong movements can keep their energy and be expressed subtly.
Connect with the room
and with this energy dance a duet with me
without forgetting your sense of the room.

**

4-5-02
Agenda: How to initiate a dance with someone on the dance floor?

Teacher: 1. Be very serious about your own movement.
It’s the only movement you have.

2. Once you are totally serious you can be totally light.

3. After you have done all this be ready to be interested in some movement outside of you.

Remember to begin at the beginning. When I walk onto a dance floor, I can feel connected to the energy of the whole situation—including the dancers. We give one another the freedom to then be into ourselves.

Ways of interacting with what interests us.
a. playing in space
b. gesture
c. mimic
d. contrast
e. do all the the above with different parts of our body.
e.g. head mimicking someone’s torso; fingers mimicking feet.
Contrast in tempo.
f. Be larger, smaller.
g. Emotionally respond y letting different parts of your body express your emotions. All of the above can be part of emotionally responding.

*****
Student: My questions about writing.

1. Writing is communication of body to body. Can I dance with you, even when I can’t see you, while I type these words with my fingers?
2. Can I communicate my real feeling of the moment?.
3. Can I be aware that my body moves even when I am at the computer. Can I feel my heart in my chest moving ever so slightly? Or my lungs breathing? Can I feel your response?

** May 28 2002

Student: “No. no. I don’t want to join life.”

Teacher: What do you feel after your tantrum is over?

Student: A shy desire to be part of life.

**

**
Student: How can gravity feel as comforting as the waves rocking our boat when we slept in the Atlantic ocean? Gravity sometimes feels like it is pulling me down.

Teacher: When you stop expecting any response from yourself you are free.
Let gravity bounce you up after it pulls you down.

Student: Much of my life I think I felt I had to stop what I was doing and focus on being with you. Ouch. Lost my rhythm before we even say hello.

*****

Teacher: Discover that we can just move grandly without being overly concerned about whether we want to or not. Just try some grand motion out like stretching for the stars.
We can then check in and see how it feels. So we don't leave our feelings for long. We can check into the center of our body to discover if it feels right, good, needs to modulated, encouraged etc.
And then we begin to tune into the motions between us. We can play with each others gestures and sounds. We can focus on what is happening between us and at times check in to see if it feels o.k. We can create or find a spirit between us.

**

9/17/02

Student: I feel fear in my legs. And my feet want to kick.

Teacher: Let your legs fall to the floor with each step.
The floor holds us up.

Student: Energy from the floor and the earth beneath the floor shoots up my legs through the crown of my head. My legs and feet can move now without fear.
Before there was so much fear and anger in them. The anger came, I believe, from keeping my feet apart from whatever I was doing. I taught to people sitting at tables. No feet involved.

*****

9-27-02 Bouncing Humor

Teacher: Each step you can let your weight fall into the floor or ground and the ground or floor can help you bounce up again. It’s fun. Funny. Like pop corn.

2003

Jan 2 and 9 03

Teacher: Don’t try to be connected.
We really are connected whether we know it or not.
We really are all one whether we know it or not.
Hello.
**

Student: When I try to dance
I feel tired quickly.
Scared you’ll find out that I am trying
and not really really wanting to dance.
I’m scared you’ll see me scared.

**
Jan 31 03

Teacher: Silence reflective mind by getting in touch with reptilian self. Moving, sounding like reptile. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Sunning on floor like reptile. Taking in sounds, sight, touch like reptile. No thinking.

March 30 2003

Student: Fear pervades my pores.

Teacher: Allow your body to shake.

Student: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Feels like a vice is holding on to my life.

Teacher: Dance as a vice. Ask what your fear and vice want to communicate.

Student: Fear [body shaking]: I am afraid of needing love. Afraid of not getting it. Afraid of not acknowledging I need it. Afraid of running away from it. Afraid of needing it too much. Afraid of not being loving in return. Afraid of not being lovable. Afraid of messing up this delicious moment. Afraid our government will take away all of my free time to learn about fear Afraid my love will leave me. Afraid of being afraid.

I feel a strong pillar of fear energy. The tube from my mouth to my anus is a fear tube. I can shake it a bit.

**
There is a hard seed in the center of my body. It cares for nothing. No one. Maybe wants to hurt everyone and everything. Get a little spark that way.

The seed breaks open when I demand love from my sweetheart. I hate when I cannnot get the love I need.

I fear my sucking energy.

But no wonder I want to suck. My roots are dry. I need.

**

June 5 03

Student: I first feel me.
I then feel the floor.
And then feel a “we-ness” with the floor.
An “I” is discovered as part of the we-ness with the floor.

Teacher: Feel your breath join your new I
and turn into sounds.

Student: This nice “Ay yah” sound becomes the sound “I..”

June 20, 2003

Teacher: Physically breathe into the connection of head and torso through the expansion and release of inhalation and exhalation.

Student: Breath feels like it comes out of my lungs into my head. Torso and neck felt so separate. My head now turns around my neck easily. They are friends now. My arms feel like wings moving on the breath of my lungs.

Teacher: Move from your breath-- feeling torso/limb connection to gravity/earth.
Allow images, emotions, and light/dark sensations to influence your movement.

Student: I see yet again my father with his fireman’s ax. But this time he is chopping wood with it. Finally. Chopping wood instead of his son. Weakly, after all the struggle, I can move my body to be him as he chops wood. The grain looks so good I can imagine why beavers love to chew it. The bark is so rough and huggable. The ax blade is so cool to the touch. I can see my distorted face shine as it reflects off the blade. I have big juicy lips. They are so big they seem to slobber. It is a little scarey to feel how sharp the blade is. But the sharpness feels like power. I can cut through wood and through my father. Cleanly cut from the crown of his head through his torso. What a way to get to know who you really are inside, Dad.

Teacher: There is an underlying matrix that god is for us. But we are thick so we do see how these individual threads weave together. By being present with all these threads and not knowing where they are going or even that they are going anywhere, we have the curiosity of a child.

*****

Dear Teacher, June 25 03

It was very helpful when you asked me to be the vomit feeling that I felt.

Fun to call it “vomit man.”

It came when I relaxed and let my self out. Such a pulled out feeling. It feels like people pulling me into a more honest relatonship whether I liked it or not.

No wonder it was hard for me to relax. Underneath my personality there is a me that I have not digested—vomit man.

Allowing him out, calling him out, seems to enable me to digest or integrate him into my self. You are right when you say “vomit is god.”

Sept. 9 03 The way to do dishes:

Teacher: Flirt: love the way you walk off to the sink. Appreciate the air that parts for you to get to your dish. Under no circunmstances be so crass as to have a goal of acutually getting to the dish.
Be aware that some part of you might enjoy how dirty this dish is.
Feel the grease from the veggie burgers.
Allow these sensations to permeate your body. Let them into your heart and into your gut. Since only I have eaten these burgers you might as well enjoy them some way.

Wash dishes with your legs. It’s easier than it sounds.
Be curious: what do your legs feel like as they touch the china. Investigate. Inquiring legs want to know. Can you dance on the floor while flicking some soap on a sponge?
If you miss a step or miss the sponge or the dish slips from your hand because you are paying more attention to your feet: enjoy, enjoy, life is short and dishes will always be dirty.

** ** ** **

11-18-09 Agenda: Contact Improvisation to Heal Prostate Cancer

.
Teacher: Expanding and contracting (or in and out) are the basic movements of life.

Student: I feel how delicious it is to simply breathe in (especially to the center of my body) and breathe out. I also feel a delicious dance beat of my blood beating out into my body (again especially focusing on my prostate.

Teacher: Remember when feeling these delicious expansions and contractions of your body that they are physical. Don’t by-pass the physical to bliss out on the sensual.

Student: It feels like a very subdued sensual beauty to simply honor and respect and feel the solidity of the floor and my bones and the springiness of my flesh.

Teacher: And all these feelings arise from the contraction and expansion of your breath, heart beat AND BODY. The physical-sensual sensations, feelings, and thoughts arising from expanding and contracting from your prostate could help healing.

Dec. 3 2009 How to lead.

Teacher: You don’t need to be forceful to lead. Relaxing helps.
Lead people where they are. Your lead adds to their movement. And lead from your whole body, not just your arm or hand.
And you can lead with emotion. When not trying to have an emotion an emotion will arise.

**

12-10-09

Agenda:

1. How can I dance more and more of the time in everyday activities? How can I heal more and more of the time In everyday activities?
How can my gut, center, prostate be part of this dance?
Taking people in?
Giving me out?
Anything more about healing dancing for self and others?

2. Talking in relation to dancing.
How can speaking and listening join the dance between us?
I imagine I can do this deeper and deeper—like arriving more and more to me and you.

Teacher: Think less. Listening to emotions is self-responsible.
Really take them in. Knowing emotions is being kind to your inner child. Assume you are already doing what you want. You are just deepening what you have. Sink into it.

How we approach ourselves can be self-negating without knowing we are self-negating. Or it can be self-loving without knowing we are self-loving. Lead with pizzaz.

Student: I get scared when I try to do something masculine—forcing myself into a mold that I don’t think I can be. The fear itself makes me feel even more afraid. How can I dance with pizzaz while I am afraid. Of course I could fake it til I make it.
Three ways of being scared:
1. I can’t fit into the form being asked.
2. I am afraid I can’t fit in.
3. I abuse myself by forcing myself to try to fit in and not be afraid.

Teacher: Discover you have a seed or a young growth of what you are growing towards.
Dancing is just walking. Pizzaz comes from punctuation and the ability to ground. When we stop walking we direct down. The earth supports us. We arrive on the earth each step.
Lesson effort after learning.
Grounding comes from an ability to balance.
Dancing is fun.

**
Student: I feel healing energy radiating from my prostate whenever I focus on it.

Teacher: Remember to also feel your actual prostate when this is happening. It is what you sit on—underneath your pirenium (which is why the pirenium feel so sexy when touched.)

*****

12-17-09

Teacher: Two ways of dancing alone in a room.

1. Looking outward and responding to what you see and feel.

2. Feeling your physicality and letting your physical impulses move you.

(In this second way your physical and perceptual sensations can be together. We often need to be aware of our surroundings in order not to run into walls and people).

Even when we’re in the middle of dancing we can move into different stages.

There is a dial for self and other and environment. The dial can be from 1 to 10 in relation to focusing on self or other. The dials can often be somewhat independent from each other. They can both be 6 or 8 or 4 and 7 etc.

You can dance with the whole room or universe.
without losing your own dance and your relationship to your own dance.

Ask, “What is lacking right now?” [e.g. you might need to focus more on body, environment, other, relationship].

You can recycle attention back to yourself, environment, relationship or other.

**

Student: How do we add healing to this dance?

Teacher: If this isn’t healing I don’t know what is!

Of course you can focus your attention on whatever needs to be healed. Or whatever else you’d like to create. A happy dance. A world where no one is hungry. Just adding your focus can help you experience what is already here.

Remember what you want is here.

You used to try to make what you want.
i.e. how can to find a recipe to be loving
and this of course got in the way of your discovering
that you are loving.

*****

12-23-09 Agenda: How to feel emotions while dancing?

Teacher: Feel an emotion while you are moving. Let this emotion move through your whole body.

[I move my legs-- happy that I am moving them. My Teacher imitates me to reveal how the rest of my body, from the waist up, is not involved.]

Teacher: Don’t witness your emotions with another part of your body. When your emotions are most felt in your legs let your legs take your whole body for a ride.

Teacher: Dance feeling, one at a time, the different primal emotions: Happiness, fear, pride, shame, love, sadness, anger, peace.

Student: What is the connection between motion and emotion?
I’m sure they are the inside and outside of the same thing.
No motion without emotion. No emotion without motion.
The feel of the motion is emotion. The embodiment of the feeling is motion.

Of course I can be unconscious that I am always small dancing.
And unconscious that I am always emotioning.

I imagine practice will be to be aware of the emotion in motion. Sounds might be inspired by the movement which will help me discover what emotion is going on. I have to be careful not to let the sounds (i.e. getting carried away with the sounds) hide me from the physical emotions.
Except while dancing all movement is clearly emotional. Getting up, making breakfast, washing, getting to work. Hugging. Etc. Dancing alone or with a partner there is an immense amount of sensual, sexual, spiritual emotion. The emotions dancing with anyone is huge. Maybe so huge we need to turn the dial down. But I’d love to let the feelings out while faithfully honoring the physical forms of the dance. Supposedly it’s cool to be cool. But I think its warmer to range from hot to cold.
I discovered in therapy an ice-man in me. Now that I can be him for real I don’t need to imitate cool. Perhaps emotions can only get hot if I have the freedom to be ice when I choose.

Of course some of the primary motions in the body have their corresponding emotion. Heart beats (love), breathing (inspiration to be alive).
The Greek said we have humors (or fluids) flowing. So humor (in our modern sense) can be a primary emotion of happy surprise at what is flowing in us. And from our center (eros) the creative-force pumps out its juicy expansiveness.

Love, spirit, humor, eros and wonder always with us with our small dance.

Teacher: Be careful not to go into baby emotion. You seem to be finding baby wonder because you might have had wonder taken from you when you were a baby. Don’t excessively go into emotion because it might take you away from the physical structure of dancing.
Keep it at dial 2. [dials go from 1 to 10 in intensity]

In movement or emotion don’t stay in something after the time it is here. And don’t run from the special emotional moments when they are here.
Play with these emotions and movements when leading. You can be on dial 1 or 2 to lead. And keep the dial low when you touch someone. You are a big strong man.

*****

12-30-09

Student: Agenda for our last dance for our book: Momentum: comes from “to move.” Momentum in physics is a product of velocity and mass.

It appears to me, re-reading your wisdom for ten years,
that dancing or moving with momentum
that infuses my body, heart, words, and mind and spirit
while respecting your momentum
is a way to dance through life with heart, fun, energy, love and thoughfulness and spirit.
To make sure momentum is not another way of bypassing me,
I need to feel my mass and velocity is the momentum. I am the momentum. And then my mind, words, spirit is part of the momentum
and chooses ways of receiving, moving with the momentum from my previous moves and from the floor, music, people.
And in the center of me, as in physics,
I am still--
momentum in the center of a body is zero.

**

Teacher: Stillness can be felt when you’re aware of your bones
your tissues,
the space or nothing inside you
your presence
being present to the moment.
Perceiving, receiving is influencing our motoring
and visa versa.
They are, when done well, both 100% perceiving and motoring.

Student: Which means that my entire psyche is in relationship with what is around.

Teacher: You are no-I
and I
at the same time
always becoming more than your I.
Your body is and is not yours.

The small dance is primarily moving from breathing.
Let your body find its balance--
not the mind and eyes.
Let eyes journey with body’s movement.

Simplicity enables stillness.
Stillness (or presence) is helped by being aware of our fluids
in relation to the structure of our body.
Awareness can both be witness
and be our physical awareness from our body.
Both help us find our physicality.
Even our witnessing awareness can be moved
like our eyes by our body’s movement.

What else is here?
Images? Memories?
Keep the physical as a base.
You can decide to drop into or out of your story about what is happening.

Student: No I
and I
vibrate back and forth.
No I invites larger I.

Teacher: But even here we go back and forth.
Surrendering and then inhabiting “I” in your surrender.

Student: When I need to direct myself I comes from my head.
But from the curious center of my body a larger “I” comes
from my environment and my history and future and you.

Teacher: Not-I invites I invites not-I etc.
Surrendering and discovering yourself in the surrender.

Student: Which is growing.

Teacher [After we dance] How did it feel?

Student: I’m not scared anymore.

**

Very Dear Teacher,

A brief review of past sessions might be in order.

Living romantically. I discover that all words can be aimed at my partner’s heart. Gently--like ice cream sliding down her throat. You say “we can dance with the universe or the person we are dancing with can be the universe.”

It is so free to dance with the universe. Air, ground, light, blood in us. My partner is part of it all. Her blood beats with the rhythm of the music. Light from her eyes is part of the light in the room. And then presto—a change. When she is the universe I do not see anything else but her lovely teeth. Air is her breath. Earth is her flesh. Light is her eyes. Water is her blood.
**
You teach the small dance of Yoga.
Our breath leads. I can feel the column next to my spine. This is my core, my central channel. On my sit bones I rock around this column. My head is balanced on my spine. The least amount of tension is between my head and spine. My core is in alignment with gravity. My pelvis is connected to the earth. I let my bones settle. They too are aligned with gravity. When I move I do not quite take the movement to the edge. I surrender as I aim for a goal and am unattached to getting it.

**

Lifelong Homework

Continually Dancing Playful Body
With and Through
Og, (the Organizing Gang of organs, tissues, bones and blood in your gut)
Feet, Heart and Head--
feeling the physical/sensual/sexual/spiritual/flow.

1. Be aware your Og and feet, heart and head are small dancing with
everyone and thing you touch, meet, see, smell, listen to, speak to, read or write about.

2. While standing, feel that your feet and legs, connecting with the floor and the earth, are supporting you when you sense anyone or anything with other parts of my body.

3. While standing feel that your feet and legs are touching through the other parts of your body who or what you are sensing.

4. While sitting feel that the center of your body is dancing with whatever or whoever you are meeting.

5. Scan to find out what parts of your body is not dancing at this moment.

6. Keep experience as you go into a new experience.

1-20-10

2010-02-09T06:24:00.002-08:00

Patrick 1-20-10

Sadism leaves when I have a humorous heart.

When I feel like I am disconnecting from my body,
when my mind goes spacey, afraid to be present,
if I drop into my body,
feel my bones,
flesh,
space in me,
spaciousness in me,
then I can be a little be present to where and who I am
without leaving into a false protective self.

Sadistic humor comes from leaving and making fun of whatever is happening. I can stay in my heart and body which is itself fun without needing to make fun of me or you. And I or we can even have fun body to body.

Patrick: Stay moment to moment with what is happening to you now while you move. It is very easy to leave. Very helpful to just stay in the moment while you are moving.

Michael: I’m feeling the stillness in and through me and I am feeling my bone structure: Together, stillness and bones, ground me.

I am able to feel that these bones are me. Or these bones are bones feel-able from the insides and outsides. Who knows who me is? “I” seems to be a continual re-creation from bones, silence, movement. Instead of I having a body-- bones, silence, organs, blood, and breath create from moment to moment a gestalt which might be called “I.”

Patrick: Remember to breathe.

Michael: It feels like a three-ring circus: breathing, spacious-silence, and bones. And moving makes it a 4 ring circus. I’m sure with practice I’ll do all four. Since they are happening whether I am aware or not.

Patrick: What does awareness add?

Michael: Well when I am aware I am holding my breath, awareness helps me breathe more easily.
When I am aware of silence and spaciousness it feels like they embrace and infuse all that is happening.
When I am aware of my skeleton it feels like this body is here and literally in touch with the air and floor. My bones are helping create my I versus an “I” that by-passes my bones. My sadism leaves when I am these bones with a smiling skeleton of my pelvis and jaw.

Awareness may be in two or many ways.
When I focus my awareness on my bones it feels like I am discovering that my bones are aware even if I was not aware they were aware. Awareness might come from my mind and this mind awareness can uncover, discover that my body is aware.
It feels whole, healing, when awareness is a jazz symphony with each part of my body contributing.

It feels like a director can direct my awareness.
Awareness feels like a ray of light illuminating
my body, mind even spirit. And I am aware of the director.
Who is aware I am looking at him.
And there is an awareness of my director guiding my awareness.
Awareness like everything else is unending. Very shifting: unending shapes, tones, feelings.
Even physical momentum has its own awareness.
I can watch momentum or join in or let it take me over.

And my awareness of my heart feels loving.
And I can turn the dial up or down
so I am not overwhelmed by love or
starved for love.

And loving awareness of all the unending ways of awareness is fun. Awareness and awareness of awareness and body awareness is fun, fun, and more fun: WHEN MY BODY, BONES, SPACIOUSNESS, BLOOD, ORGANS (ESPECIALLY HEART) HEAD, MOMENTUM, WEIGHT, MOVEMENT, JOIN IN OR ARE THE STRUCTURE FOR THE UNENDING PLAY OF AWARENESS.

**

Patrick: Remember spiraling and twisting are helpful.

Michael: It feels that the center of my body, with all it’s juice, ripples through my body and mind.

Patrick: What does awareness of moving do for you?

Michael: I feel so much freer and so much fun—like a dog or a baby enjoying just moving.

Patrick: Warm down without much thought. Feel sensation as you come down to the ground.

Sadism to Power and Twisting to Spiralling

2010-02-09T06:24:00.001-08:00

Sadism to Power and Twisting to Spiralling 1-29-10

Patrick’s comments after reading notes from previous week.

1. Sadism is leaving the present—including sensations.

2. Sadism is also an old friend. Maybe not a good friend, but a comfortable friend.

3. It’s a power in your body and a a distorted desire for positive power.

4. Feel power in movement. Channel power from a deeper place.

5. Express your wound. Comfort your wound.

6. open to Spirit in and through you for loving action.

**

PC: Open chest while opening arms.

MK: What you were calling “spiralling” I now see begins simply with a twist.

PC: The twist begins in your feet. Your eyes twist too.

Enjoy sailing of eyes.

The secret of twisting is to let it go until it stops.

And let gravity center you. Give up knowing where you are with your eyes.

1-7-10

2010-02-09T06:23:00.001-08:00

1-7-10

Patrick: focus on sensations, breath, mass, physical structure, momentum.

Michael: I remember that focusing on any physical sensation reveals unending spacious expanding of the sensation—the feeling of the solid floor goes everywhere forever.

While doing this I feel my terrified screaming inner baby. I am going on a casual date this afternoon which brings up this baby inside.

I practice letting the physical sensations I am feeling be felt by this part of me that is scared. My baby feels comforted. Just by allowing him to feel the strong surface of the wall I am leaning into. Or to feel the support of the floor I am walking on.
Or the kindness in Patrick’s face.
Oh my. This separated part of me can now join into this life.
Especially important are physical sensations so that this baby-part can feel the support and comfort he needs without looking for it from someone else.

This feels a lot more physical and real than just imagining that I am caring for my inner child.

My inner child feels like it is dancing with me--seeing and feeling the sights and sounds.

Patrick: Remember, it is important for you to take care of your inner child and not ask someone else to.

Small Dancing Together While watching Our Play

2010-02-09T06:21:00.000-08:00

Patrick 2-4-10

Patrick’s additions from previous week

1. I had a pattern of opening my arms without opening my chest.

AND WITHOUT OPENING MY HEART.

PC: It is important for you to feel your actual heart. Go down to the floor and put your heart on the floor.

MK: [It’s so much easier to feel my heart down here.
I roll over on my back. Easy to feel my actual heart here too.
I walk over to write notes in my notebook.]

PC: There is such a difference between standing up and being on the floor. Are you aware there is such a big difference?

MK: No.

[I practice going down to the floor and getting up while being aware there is a difference. I begin to learn to feel my heart organ. Take the feeling of my actual heart organ on the floor while I stand up and focus on my actual heart in my chest.

PC: We can open from all our organs (including prostate). All meeting includes a warm-up. Warm up while meeting someone.

MK: My prostate with my perineum is a very sexy juicy organ.
I hide from the beauty and power because I am afraid it’ll trap me in a bad relationship.

PC: But all your relationships have been good for you at the time.

MK: Yes. So I don’t have to be afraid anymore. When I feel my sensual, powerful energy is mine, I don’t have to be afraid I’ll need to take it from someone else. Or they will take it from me. Sensual/sexual/spiritual power really is inalienable, but when it is messed up, distorted, repressed it gets messy, ugly. In a safe place I can feel my sensual sexual spirituality is my body, my mind, my spirit, me.

** ** ** **
PC: We have stories that influence all our interactions.

MK: What is the difference between stories and patterns?

PC: We can also include beliefs.

MK: For me patterns are beneath words. My hiding in my shell after being force fed and hit is one of my patterns.

When I grew up and started interacting with usually frightened) women I did not know what was going on.
When I eventually became aware of my non-verbal pattern I now had words or a story to describe what was going on.

And of course once I have words for a story there are possibilities to change my patterns and stories. But using the word “story” is dangerous for me.

For example,I have new stories:

*I love or want to love everybody, including myself.
* Everybody is lovable and wants and deserves to be loved.
* But many of us are very afraid of how loving and powerful and loved we are.

Much of my life I told stories that were NOT connected to my body. And I did not even know they were not connected to my body. So these lovely stories about love were also not connected to my heart organ.

So for me, stories need to be taken into my body for them to be real. Stories need to infiltrate, infuse, my patterns, my organs, bones, flesh. Stories need to get beneath words.

**
So call my patterns “stories” is not true. Words are very different from the world beneath words.

** ** ** **

I talk about the tension in my body while sitting next to a stranger (a woman) in the theatre and next time (a different tensions) sitting next to my friend Joel.

Patrick: [Puts a squash and 2 bananas on a chair next to me.]

Mike: I feel a sexual tension. Comes from the time I would sit next to women strangers and get a sexual high from touching.

Patrick: When you meet anyoen don’t pop out of warming up your own body. Stay with your warm up.

Mike: I see. I jump into OMG there’s another person here.

Patrick : Feel your actual heart. Feel the organ beating. You can put your hand on your heart. Feel your own small dance.
And don’t forget your perineum.

Mike: I am now vibrating between my old and new me.
The old me wants to just feel the delicious vibrations from the person next to me. Or the old me wants to cut out the person next to me and just focus, while on the edge of my seat, on the play.
The new me wants to have a small dance with the person next to me—including my actual heart organ and my sensuous skin and my sex drive. All of these parts dancing together in a small dance that begins to move, when I am warmed up, with the samll danc eof who is next to me. Our small danc eopens into watching our play. Much of our small danc eof course can be solo with an awareness of the person next to us.

H. extracts 2007

2009-12-31T07:23:00.001-08:00

1-2-07

1. Let the rest of my body’s energies, movements, move into my tight areas.
Instead of fighting the tightness to leave
I can thank the tightness for pointing out to me that other relaxed areas can help the tight area relax. Massage with other places the place that needs massage.

2. My spine itself can be the source of a flow that’ll help me feel whole.

3. Feel my body and self as 3 dimensional.
I am solid geometry not plane geometry.

4. Whenever I am passive there is always an opportunity (sometimes just a little) for my active will to join and mate with my passive moves.

5. My breath can feel delicious—cause it is.
“Delicious” comes from “entice.” Entice has the roots “set fire” and “firebrand.”

5. Spiraling can come from focusing on my body
and my connection to the floor.

6. My body is God—especially when I am aware of its roundness, 3-D, spiraling, rippling. God of course is also more than my body.

7. I can feel the deliciousness, the “setting fire” the “firebrand” in elbows, knees, etc.

8. You asked me to honestly feel my emotions from my heart at this present moment.

9. Deliciousness is to momentum as play is to initiation.
I might explain this by saying that deliciousness can be the feeling that accompanies momentum.
And this feeling can do enjoyable things with momentum.
And play can add joyful moves to initiation.

10. Make sure the deliciousness and play is expressed physically.

11. Don’t lose the deliciousness in interactions.

12. All I need to do is not to leave the dance when I’m playing, interacting.
2- 8-07

1. I take a step. My weight is still on my back foot.
I can then enjoy transferring my weight to my front foot.
I can feel the transfer of weight in my torso before the weight goes into my front leg.

The tango is opposite. I give my weight to my front step immediately.

**

2. I can take a step and then wait until the small dance moves me forward. My small dance will move me in many directions—but I can wait unitl it moves me forward.

3. When I pass through the center of my foot, I am then falling forward.

4. Feeling my weight go down through my foot and leg to the floor gives definition or structure, or grounding or shape or trim to the forward momentum.

5. Is this true? By giving my weight to the floor, I can get a spring back into forward momentum.

6. You say, “When you ground you can go wild.” I can feel that grounding can sustain wildness—otherwise wildness seems to run out of fuel.

7. You say, “In a good dance, you don’t know if you’re going to kill, eat, or make love.”

You say, “Write with animal, child, play energy—with gentle direction.”
2-15-07

PC: Squeeze your eyes and all the muscles of your face toward your nose. Do it incrementally—that is do it gently. A gentle squeeze. You can do it. The blood goes out of your face and then the blood goes in. New blood for new sight.”

MK: This feels like clowning and fun.

PC: The hams of your hands can slowly touch your eyes and then slowly release.

My eyes and I feel holy when I do this now.

PC: You can make love with objects with your eyes.

MK: This feels like dancing with objects. Dancing from my center. Yum. How do I dance with my eyes from the loving center of my body?

I can take words I read and objects I see into the center of my body. And I paint or caress the objects and words with my body-centered eyes.

PC: I’m sure you’ll have more to say about caressing the world and people with our eyes.

I think half of it is receiving objects and people with our eyes. Let them in.

Altho, we really really are making the yellow of the banana skin with our eyes and the banana. It’s like every color and every shape we see is co-created with us.

PC: So how do we make these creations gracefully, beautifully?

MK: For starters I can be aware of when I strain. Versus the beautiful easy feeling of looking up at the sky. What a gift: Shapes and colors!! I need to practice meditating and walking with my eyes open!!
Maybe running too. I must pay attention to my eyes and head while reading, writing and looking until they are in a relaxing caressing place.

**

PC: Make smooth eye movement. People usually have chicken head movements.

Tracing an infinity sign, I might learn to feel that my eyes are like ice-skaters.

PC: How does the rest of your body feel when you look at the computer screen (or anything else)?

My toes feel tinkly when I invite them to be aware when I look at these words. My thighs sway a little.

PC: For every exercise:

1. Sensation awareness.
2. Breath awareness
3. Feel how your whole body feels/responds to it.
4. Feel the weight and quality of it.

**

PC: At a dance enjoy the journey of maybe dancing with someone.

**

MK: I don’t have to be afraid of fear.
I don’t have to be afraid of nothing.
I don’t have to be afraid of hiding via imitation.

Just trust that the dance is going on.
Trust there is connection underneath disconnection.
Trust that undesirable emotions are moving me to open to
finding
or allowing
or adjusting
for connection.

2-22-07

PC: I want you to keep looking me in the eye and tell me, in the present tense, what you are feeling.

MK: I feel like I could do this forever.

PC: Don’t use the word “could.”

MK: I want to keep doing this.

PC: Better.

MK: I feel a little scared simply being present.

PC: Good.

**

PC: Be as present as you can be while you close your eyes and dance again.

MK: I discover a new well of energy in the center of my body. It starts to move MK. It reminds MK of the automatic energy that I felt just before I parted from my wife 19 years ago. An energy that just took over and moved MK up and down beyond my will. All I have to do is ride this energy.

**

PC: I want you to give shape and definition to this energy. Allow this energy to move your head. Your arm can go up too, but center the energy into either your arm or your head.

Scan your body so that every part of your body is moved by this well of energy.

After your energy roots you into the floor, allow energy from the floor to respond through your body.

Guide this energy to move slowly or in a medium speed.
You can find a balance after you move so these movements have a shape. Hold the shape for a few heartbeats before moving again. Then hold again.

**
When I respond to your movements as a witness I will always identify with your movements. I’ll never use the word “you.” I’ll always say, “when I move that way I feel . . . .”
When you teach this to others the mover might have to coach the witness to always identify with the mover when sharing witness.
3-1-07

Adult Baby Play

PC: Rest on the ground on your belly.

MK: I feel connected to the floor. Is there an umbilical from my belly button to the floor? Yum. It nourishes me.

PC: Feel your breath and weight.

Heavy, heavy, me, me. Wind, air goes in and out of heavy heavy me me.

PC: Barely lift your head.

MK: I am my body with a bump on top.

PC: Keep your eyes closed.

MK: Darkness not scary when I can smell the air.

PC: Open your eyes for awhile.

MK: I enjoy staring at the plant. For a long time.
I feel complete, whole. I like staring and staring at the green curl of the leaf. But I really do not know it is a leaf. Green curling things. One green thing touching with the tip of its curl the other green thing.

PC: Engage with your arms.

These sticks on my side. I can move them. WEEEEE.

PC: Babies operate from their mouths a lot.

MK: Tasting leaf just inside my mouth. Pressing leaf against the inside of my mouth. Tastes sharp.

The lamp tastes hard and cold. Yum.

**

When I look at the leaf I lose my feeling of wholeness and completeness. When I am feeling the leaf I want to go on and on and on feeling the leaf. I feel whole, complete, unending, no limits, no boundaries, just the leaf and I forever dancing.

So I close my eyes and just listen and feel with my skin. I again feel whole and want to keep hearing the sound of my body as it scrapes against the floor and the pressure on the floor as my arm presses against it. Again I feel I have no boundaries. Just the floor and I forever making sounds. Unendingly interesting—at least to me.

**
PC: Feel all parts of your body.

I am aware of my penis. I’m so glad I can feel that I have a penis.

My Mother took me to a theapist when I was 6 or 7 because I played with my “whoosis” in front of people.
I wonder if my mother or someone else took my sex away when I was very young. Masturbating me to keep me quiet after they force-fed me.

But now on my birth day I can be born again. Whole. It only took 66 years to begin again. I can’t rush these things. Norman Mailer says you should write from your balls. And Robin William’s teacher taught him to act from his balls.
Can I be aware of my balls and feel impulses from them move me to write and act?

Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. Me cave man! Me want to type on machine. Ho ho. Ha ha.

**

PC: When you deeply feel your own sexuality you don’t need sex from someone.

I enjoy my own ELF and enjoy other peoples ELF [Erotic Life Force] including yours. I don’t need to touch or make any obvious sexual moves when I feel both of our ELFS.

PC Find the beauty and connection in our dance.

I feel beauty especially when we pause in our moving together. It feels and looks like we are making a statue of our bodies. I begin to be aware of the beauty of our shapes and weight as we move.

I am also aware of the connection of our bodies. The weight, shape, momentum, and movement of the different parts of us. Perhaps conscious awareness and creating with this awarness helps make our movements feel beautiful. Especially when we are influenced by each other’s movements.

Each of your moves, even from afar, seems like a caress, hug, stroking, pushing, pulling, shaping, delicious, juicy, fun, enjoyable. And my moves can also caress, hug, stroke, push, pull, shape, tease, play, laugh, be juicy and enjoyable. ELF meeting ELF.

**
PC: Go after what you desire sometimes.

Oh my. I can want things. Touch a shoulder. A hand.
The plant.

PC: Let your body be taken over. Just aware of the desire.

Wooo. Hand. Plant.

**

PC: Feel how delicious momentum is as you spiral up and down.

I spiral to the floor. Try to let this falling momentum move me to spiral up. When I move well I am a top.

3-8-07 Life Forces R US

PC: When you dance as the life-force, occasionally meet my eyes for a phrase of your dance. Not too much and not too little. And when you write about our time together, write with images like the poet laureate Billy Collins.

MK: When I look into your eyes for a moment I feel an expansion bridge is between our eyes. When I look away the bridge expands so, at any time, we can walk across and again look each other in the eyes. In fact I’ll walk across right now. Here’s looking at you, kid.

PC: Now dance with passion. Passion towards all sides of the air that surrounds you.

MK: The blue sky explores the inside of my body—tenderly. The blue sky does not want to be limited to my lungs. It finds a way to travel to the center of my body, linger just for an appropriate moment of respect and then down to my toes. And then quick as a squirrel jumping onto a branch the blue sky leaps to my head, taking a peek out of my body from the inside before shining out of my head and returning to the blue sky it always is, no matter where.

I eagerly want and take another breath.

PC: Don’t rush your next breath. Let it come naturally. Don’t become even the tiniest bit breathless or hurried. Just be aware of being in your body waiting for the natural impulse to inhale.

**
This time the blue sky is not content to simply travel around. It wants to be part of the action. Moving into my lungs the blue sky feels like a balloon that can float in blue sky. I raise my arms to be like wings that guide our journey home.

As I exhale the balloon moves higher. My head feels like a cloud drifting along on a warm spring day.

**
And my next inhalation infuses my cells so they feel like clouds drifting into and out of the shape of my body.

PC: Be aware of your audience in the round.

I swirl around slowly. Or is the room swirling around me. Peek a boo I see you surrounding me in a dance. Thanks for carrying the room with you.

PC: Let an image complete itself. Come to its fruition.

Standing here I am a tree. I am rooted in the floor. My arms are branches. I don’t have to do anything but be here. Next incarnation a tree I could be.

PC: The next incarnation is right now.
Before you started being aware of your audience your movements were like a baby’s movements. You tentatively started one movement and then went to another. Be a man. Complete your plan!
And don’t put your emphasis on the sexual part of the life force. The sex is one chakra. Actually the second. The first is your foundation. First you’re a tree before you become a bird or a bee.

MK: But the tree ooozes sap. I want to feel my sap, my juice. One of my lovers once screamed at me while we were dancing “Where’s the juice?” And she was right.
I avoided focusing on my juice. Wanted to find juice in her, not me.

PC: Well, don’t cut yourself off from your sap or juice. Even your momentum has a sensual, even sexual feel to it. But remember sex is part of love which is part of making offspring. Altho the life-force is sensual and sexual it is also mental and spiritual. The life-force bursts out like blossoms, like spring. The life force is creating the dance and IS the entire dance. In fact the room, the ground, the air and sky is all part of the blooming life-force. So focusing simply on the sex part of the life-force is redeucing it profoundly and maybe even profanely. You probably avoided it because of your trauma that made the sexual feelings dirty and painful to feel. But don’t over-compensate by over-emphasizing the sexual part of the life-force. So yes the life-force is also sexual. But yes the life force is way way way more than sexual. It is a flirting, connecting, loving, beautiful, blossoming continual creator of offspring. The life-force is the entire dance and the impact of the dance on the dancers and all who see or hear of the dance.

MK: I imagine if I really let the life-force move me I could write about our lesson in a fun way that would communicate its beauty and truth to others.

PC. Yes. Go for it. Remember you must be enjoying writing to someone who you feel present to you when you write. And you must physically feel the things you are writing about.

MK: How can I do this?

PC: Remember the question and you’ll find the answers.

3-25-07

PC: Never cut your body or self off from your own sexuality. But don’t share it or impose it unless it is clear that your dance partner is inviting or welcoming sexual energy.

MK: I guess I can make an exploratory overture. But I am confused. You’ve taught me in the past that dance is like lovemaking.

PC: THIS IS KEY. IT IS LIKE LOVING IN CERTAIN WAYS BUT IS NOT LOVEMAKING. WE DO NOT HAVE SEX ON THE DANCE FLOOR. THERE MAY BE AN ENERGETIC STATE THAT WE COULD CALL LOVEMAKING ON THE DANCE FLOOR BUT THIS IS STILL DIFFERENT THAN ACTUALLY BEING SEXUAL ON THE DANCE FLOOR. DO YOU WANT TO BE SOMEONE WHO PLAYS WITH SEXUAL ENERGY A LOT ON THE DANCE FLOOR OR IN EVERYDAY LIFE? I WITNESS ALLTHE TIME THAT THE PEOPLE WHO DO THIS GET LESS COMMUNITY, SENSUALITY, CONNECTION, LOVE AND SEX THAN OTHERS.

I ALSO THINK IT BETTER FOR SOMEONE WHO KNOWS GOOD BOUNDARIES - SEXUAL AND OTHERWISE - TO ENTER INTO THE ARENA OF EXPLORING DIRECTLY IN THIS REALM. I THINK IT IS BETTER FOR MOST TO FOCUS ON AUTHENTICITY, THE SKILLS AND STATES OF CONNECTION, THE SENSES, ETC.

MK: Feeling our own juice, feeling our partner’s juice.
And lately you’ve taught me to be open to the connection, love, and beauty in ourselves and our partners.
But you’ve always insisted that we dance from our center. And certainly our sexuality moves in and emanates from the center of our body. So I’m still a little confused.

PC: WHAT I AM SAYING IS TO NOT CUT OFF FROM YOUR OWN SENSUAL-SEXUAL ENERGY WHEN DANCING. SEE HOW IT PLAYS INTO EVERYTHING ELSE. BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT THAN THROWING IT OUT ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR OR WITH A PARTNER. IT IS TRICKY STUFF. UNLESS YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DOING, EVEN BEING AWARE OF YOUR OWN SEXUAL ENERGY CAN GET YOU INTO TRICKY PLACES UNLESS YOU AWARE OF HOW IT FITS IN TO EVERYTHING ELSE. IF YOUR OWN SEXUAL ENERGY IS DOMINATING YOUR EXPERIENCE, THEN YOU KNOW SOMETHING IS OUT OF BALANCE.

The best sense I can make of it now is to be with my own sensuality, sexuality, love, beauty and spirituality and emanate these energies out into the in-between space of our dance. And then be sensitive to what degree of sensuality, sexuality, love, spirituality my partner is emanating. And then move with and play with the mix carefully. Perhaps I can add a little more or a little less sexuality. The same way I can add a little more or a little less tempo or distance. Is it all a question of degree? Isn’t a good portion of sensuality and sexuality present in even the most spiritual of church dances where the dancers cover their whole body from the neck down? Church dancing is often way more sexual than nude dancers.

PC: I THINK CARL JUNG WAS RIGHT. WE QUICKLY NAME BEAUTY/SPIRIT/CREATIVITY AS SEX BECASUE WE CAN NOT "HOLD" THE UNCONTROLLABLE POWER OF BEAUTY/SPIRIT/CREATIVITY, SO WE PUT IT IN AN INTERPRETATION THAT IS MORE CONTROLLABLE OR DEBASED.

** ** **

MK: Did you know that the word “giddy” comes from the word “God”? When dancers were falling down because god possessed then they were called “giddy.”

PC: See how the word “giddy” makes you move.

I’m amazed to discover that a word can begin to move my body. First slowly and then, like magic, the word “giddy” starts to make me shake and feel, yes, giddy. Chuckling. Wanting to tease you by doing the opposite of whatever you say.
I am now looking so so so serious as I dance around like a robot.

PC: Let moving from the solo to a duet come naturally.

Oh my. I always tried so hard to connect. It’s so nice not to try.

PC: YES. Though watch the trap, here, of putting blinders on, in the name of not trying so hard, and being "baby". Less effort does not mean less awareness. Awareness and action come to you!

Thanks. Are you there?

PC: Two solos are in a different way dueting.

Great. I am happy, happy, happy that in some way we are connected so I don’t have to do anything but dance and kinda make sure I don’t bump into you.
When I am open to connect it is so different from trying to connect. So now when you reach out a hand and I hold it—we are connecting. Not I, not even you, it is all about us!

PC: When 2 solos are together in a space, you are not unaware of the room and the other person. You choose to solo because that is the right choice. We do not have to put on blinders. Often we feel like we do because if we notice them at all, it quickly turns into a full fledge duet whether we truly wanted a duet or not. So we have to learn to "hold the tension" of all those stages between solo and duet. There are many and we have the ability to stay unreactively aware and connected with ourselves and the other. We also have choice at any of these stages and with any of these awarenesses.

3-29-07

Quotes from Patrick:

PC: 1. The only way to fly is to be grounded.

MK: Just allowing myself to feel my body surrender to my chair produces a little lift of my head.

PC: 2. Our dancing body is a radiating force of nature.

MK: Forgetting my feelings and thoughts alows me to sense radiation form my arms, torso, legs, head.

PC: 3. We support our humanness by becoming dancing bodies. We become a physical force, like a tree or even a rock or a river, without being human. This physical force can be a channel to our selves. And we can break beyond our ordinary selves. What many of us consider ourselves is, alas, just our habitual patterns.

MK: As I sway and allow a small dance to move me as I type I become unsure who I am. Cool.

PC: 4. Emotions, images, stories, come from and fuel movement.

**
I can feel your presence, Patrick, fill the room when I dance alone. I might never have to be alone again if I can imagine you around.

PC: You need to feel your presence meeting mine.

MK: When I feel we are creating something together, an offspring of our movements, which is our Dance, I can allow myself to feel my presence as equal to yours.
And just like a good parent, my main focus is to help this dance grow.

**
4-29-07

MK: Rumi writes that we are a guest house: Difficult emotions often clear us out for a new delight. We are to honor and meet all feelings and thoughts at the door--laughing. Invite them in! “Be grateful for whoever comes. For each has been sent as a guide from beyond.”

When I feel a sadistic smile on my lips how is this a guide from beyond? The smile leaves when I tell myself to sense your body and feel what it is like to be in your body.

The smile is a guide moving me to get out of my self and feel your pain and your joy!
How joyful it is to feel you dance so freely, so confidently on the dance floor.

It is so freeing to move with whatever feelings come. I feel empty and instead of fighting this empty feeling I can curl up into what feels like a black hole and rock my soul in the bosom of the black hole. So I not only invite in difficult feeling but I dance with them. Or encourage these difficult feelings to rebound me out of my black hole and into dancing with you.

When my feelings and thoughts turn to movements they make a surprising dance all the time. Surprise--I’m a baby boy or a baby girl. Look at me twirl with tears in my eyes cause being alive is such a surprise.

All of these myriad feelings and thoughts are grounded in my awareness of my body.
Especially in my torso and in my heart. My heart moves as my torso moves. Up and down. And then my heart moves my torso to go up and down and all around. And then the love I feel can make my heart move my torso to be softer and more flexible.

My heart in my torso is the home I feel at home in.
In Hebrew the God that calls Abraham is
Named El Shaddai, which literally means “God of my Breast,” or in more modern language “God of my Torso.” When I love all my feelings and thoughts, then they migrate to my torso, to my heart, and I can love them.

And I meet them at the door of my heart, laughing. Feelings flow. They are “humors” which is the Greek word for the bodily fluids that are our feelings. Even if these feelings are difficult, like depression, they are humors—so why not laugh with them.

In co-counselling we are taught to say we love what we hate until we can laugh. So I can say, I love being crunched up in a fetal position feeling everyone is more substantial than I am.

**
I know that once I opened up to letting all my feelings and thoughts express themselves my old sense of self evaporated. I no longer have to try to be a loving fun happy person. I am much happier, more loving, and more fun letting the avalanche of feelings and thoughts express themselves—and I greet all of them with laughing love in my torso.
My clown name is Ozie Mosey. Ozie Mosey has a torso which moves like a wave whenever he speaks.

**
Rumi writes that difficult feelings can be clearing out all your furniture for a new delight. Is awareness itself delightful? How can I say that great pain is delightful? I can say that moving with and expressing that pain often helps. My friend Kathryn says there is something pure about really experiencing the pain when her father died.

PC: Breath and awareness are like a mother’s touch. They can bring a softness that is strong and help us grow. Breathing into my heart moves me to feel soft and strong. With my friend Wendy, when I was feeling very inadequate, I felt love in my heart for her and thought I don’t need to do anything else.

5-3-07

Recycling of Attention.

Patrick: 1. Focus on you, your connection to the floor, your connection to the environment, us, and then the presence or energy that connects us all together. If you’d like to you could call the connecting energy/presence “God.”

2. Whatever you need to do helps the duet between us. When you dance alone, solo, you are feeding our duet when we decide or dsicover we are dancing together.

3. Rest in feelings and then open to possibilities.

4. Relax into the moment. Feel your desires. Move in a way that your desires are beginning to come true. If you want a new love, love the air, the floor, and even the words that say “I’d love to find my new love.”

5. When you relax into the moment, you free yourself from your stories.

5-11-07

Patrick: Feel your weight pour into the floor.
Be moved by your sensations.

MK: I allow my sensation of the hard but supporting floor to move me to tense my muscles.

Patrick: Be moved by your breath.

It’s so easy to move my often frozen torso when I let my inhalation move my torso. It requires all my attention to make sure that I am allowing my breath to move me rather than consciously trying to move my torso. I can then add to the momentum of my moving torso. Instead of substituting conscious movement, I elaborate, exaggerate, respond to my unconscious movement.

Patrick: Be moved by your emotions.

Once the momentum of letting my sadness move me gets going its easy to add to that momentum. I close my eyes and squeeze my tears.

Patrick: Be moved by your images.

I see a small boy, me, playing in a sand box. I let the sand ooze through my fingers. My sand caressed fingers move my head to feel the caress of the air.

Patrick: Be moved by your desires.

What do I want after all these instructions and exercises. I want to keep feeling this unending peace of being moved by me.

Patrick: Be moved by your visions.

This is a little scarier. I envision dancing with my new love. Smiling. This vision moves me around the floor in some combination of fox trot and waltz.

**

Patrick: Be little Mikey as a child. Down on the floor. Children spend much of their time on the floor.

I am a little boy banging on the floor and scraping my body on the floor and rolling on the floor. Yum yum yum.

Patrick: Be adult Michael without losing the momentum that grew you up from little Mikey.

I feel much more connected when I keep the play and fun of little Mikey as I stand up and subtly stamp around as a responsible adult.

Patrick: Now be your greater body and self. Perhaps you can conceive of this as your guide. First move like this greater you.

I flap my arms. They feel like wings. They are wings. I am the archangel with my name. I feel like I am transparent to air and light. I imagine air and light go right through me. I am an invisible messenger. Or I have a subtle body which includes wings.

Patrick: Let the words you speak come out of all parts of your body—out of all your pores.

Words like “hello Patrick” come out of my knees, feet, forehead. All at the same time.

Patrick: What does your three selves have to say about relationships?

Adult Michael: I feel hollow in the center of my body. I am lonely. I am a little black hole.

Little Mikey: Let’s play in the hole.

Archangel Michael: Be the black hole. All that you experience can move into you, be lost in your mystery, and then shoot out like the rays of light showering through the universe from the edge of black holes.

Patrick: What does little Mikey want in a relationship.

Little Mikey: Someone to play with.

Patrick: Tell that to adult Michael.

Little Mikey: Hey. Adult Michael. I want someone to play with. What do you want?

Adult Michael [Standing up and talking serious]. I’d like a growing laughing loving sharing relationship—that keeps growing.

Patrick: Remember that you want a loving relationship when you doubt you are going to find someone.

Adult Michael: [Striding around the room.] I often think it would be quite O.K. if I remain alone in this life-time. I have certainly been blessed with love. But I do believe in synchronicity. As soon as I am ready my new love will appear.

Patrick: And what does the Archangel Michael have to say?

Archangel Michael: I am ready to fly to love. Along with little mikey and Adult Michael. When we join forces and are one then we’ll be ready to be one with a new love.

Patrick: This sounds like Adult Michael not the Archangel. Remember you’re only an archangel when the words come out of your entire body. Spread your wings again and discover what words come out of your body.

Archangel Michael: I don’t know what to expect. But I do know it will be dazzling love in one way or another. A love that flies with me and Adult Michael and little Mikey.

Patrick: Congratulations.
5-17-07 There Aint Nothin’ Here but Us Feelings

1. Pleasure or pain or focusing on any sensation enables this sensation to take over so my body feels transparent. There aint nothin but this pleasure goin’ on.

Patrick: Roll on floor slowly. Keep your feet continuously on the floor—except when they slide over the other front leg.

MK: My entire foot rolls on the floor. So sensual, so fun, so interesting. Rockin’ and rollin’.

Patrick: Let it be a sensual, continuous sliding.

MK: Nothing else is now here but sensual, continuous sliding. I can be aware of my heavy, solid body if I choose too. And I can go back to the sensual continuous sliding feeling when I choose.

Patrick: Here’s one way to come to standing. One leg lunges forward. One leg is back on your knee with your foot touching the floor.
Now slowly put your weight forward more and more on your lunging leg while your back leg comes forward and lifts your knee off the floor.
Be able to stop anywhere on this journey.
You eventually come to standing. Two feet parallel.
Feel your head perched on top of your spine.

MK: [I reflect afterwards ]It’s impossible for my thoughts to dominate as long as I am aware of my head perching gently over and on my spine.

**

Patrick: While you move through space with your eyes closed and change levels say: “I am” and fill in the blank with a noun.

I am a man.

I am strong.

I am sensitive.

I am fun.

I am intelligent.

I am caring.

I am love.

I am free.

I am creative.

I am a tree.

I am the sun.

I am michael koran
Formerly michael korn

Patrick: You can add an adjective.

I am a happy man.

Patrick: Now do this with the words I desire . . . .

I desire a partner.

I desire to finish my book.

I desire to be paid for my T.V. program.

I desire to have a paid t.v. program with a partner.

I desire millions of people to read and be helped by my book and other creations.

I desire to stay healthy til 100 and die like a happy baby then.

I desire world peace and justice.

I desire food and health for everyone.

I desire to stay healthy.

I desire that my love between my friends and I keeps growing.

I desire more and more friends to join my extending family.

I desire that everyone else share in all my blessings so that our blessings continue being fruitful and multiplying.

I desire to rejoice and share everyone’s joys and blessings.

I desire to be comapssionate and help as much as I am able all beings who suffer.

I’d like my humor to reveal, rather than conceal, my truth at this moment and all moments.
6-10-07 Floors R US

Patrick: Feel the floor in every cell of your body. Feel the floor in your words and thoughts. Make sure you feel the floor in the center of your stomach. The floor is sending your body to be a floor-ambassador. You are a walking floor. Let others know what a great land the floor is—to visit, to live on, and to love with every cell of the body. Every word from your mouth and every thought from your brain also reveals how wonder full the floor is.

MK: Perhaps I have no fear of death since I am the earth that I am going back to.

Patrick: Let more pictures and a story come from your identification with the floor.

MK: I am a tree blowing in the wind—dropping acorns on the earth. “Welcome home acorns,” the earth whispers in the wind. The acorns are overjoyed to return home. They jump for joy in slow motion and become little oak trees. One of the little oak trees is a better jumper and stomps on his brothers and sisters. They cry out—but it sounds like a cry of joy. Back to the earth they fall only to jump into their bigger brother and become limbs on his tree ready to drop acorns back to the ground in this never ending oak tree into acorn dance.

Patrick: Now breathe the air into every cell in your body. You are air. What pictures and stories come?

I see JFK junior in a pilot’s uniform. Now he is just a little three year old boy. His father has been assassinated. No more Daddy. Hard to grow up without a Daddy to take my hand and show me how to fly a plane. Mom pays for some man to teach me. But he is not my father. When I fly I do not hear my father’s voice telling me to be careful. So I crash into the water and die. I am no longer air. I am debris in water. But soon I am eaten by fishes and they breathe me out of their gills so I can join the air and be the air. You may even be breathing me now.

Patrick: Find an object in the room that will relate to the story.

I eat sardines in a can. Sometime later I go to the bathroom. The sardines, or some part of them, joins the water as I flush it down the toilet. Soon sardines you will be outside somewhere and can decompose and some part of you can join the air and live happily ever after.

Patrick: How can you keep feeling you are both earth and air when you meet difficult people?

When I breathe in I am aware of the air expanding my torso and heart..
Agenda 7-12-07

PC: What are the physical moves that will help you change:
Fear into Awe or Excitement?

MK: It might help to have my whole body involved so toes and head are in communication.

PC: Sadism into Compassion?

MK: It might help to move so I feel I’m standing in the skin of the person I want to feel compassion for.

PC: Jealousy into Admiration?

MK: It might help to have my eyes move my head so I look up to others.

PC: Love from your body and heart into your Head ?

MK: Does the small dance (just allowing my body to move) do this when I am aware that my head is included?

PC: Love that infuses your head and mind and then is shared or radiated into someone else’s body/heart/head/mind?

MK: Would simply being aware that my small dancing creates some moves, motions, waves that eventually impact on others? Would just looking at them with my eyes while small dancing help this?

3-29-07

Quotes from Patrick:

PC: 1. The only way to fly is to be grounded.

MK: Just allowing myself to feel my body surrender to my chair produces a little lift of my head.

PC: 2. Our dancing body is a radiating force of nature.

MK: Forgetting my feelings and thoughts alows me to sense radiation form my arms, torso, legs, head.

PC: 3. We support our humanness by becoming dancing bodies. We become a physical force, like a tree or even a rock or a river, without being human. This physical force can be a channel to our selves. And we can break beyond our ordinary selves. What many of us consider ourselves is, alas, just our habitual patterns.

MK: As I sway and allow a small dance to move me as I type I become unsure who I am. Cool.

PC: 4. Emotions, images, stories, come from and fuel movement.

**
I can feel your presence, Patrick, fill the room when I dance alone. I might never have to be alone again if I can imagine you around.

PC: You need to feel your presence meeting mine.

MK: When I feel we are creating something together, an offspring of our movements, which is our Dance, I can allow myself to feel my presence as equal to yours.
And just like a good parent, my main focus is to help this dance grow.

**
4-29-07

MK: Rumi writes that we are a guest house: Difficult emotions often clear us out for a new delight. We are to honor and meet all feelings and thoughts at the door--laughing. Invite them in! “Be grateful for whoever comes. For each has been sent as a guide from beyond.”

When I feel a sadistic smile on my lips how is this a guide from beyond? The smile leaves when I tell myself to sense your body and feel what it is like to be in your body.

The smile is a guide moving me to get out of my self and feel your pain and your joy!
How joyful it is to feel you dance so freely, so confidently on the dance floor.

It is so freeing to move with whatever feelings come. I feel empty and instead of fighting this empty feeling I can curl up into what feels like a black hole and rock my soul in the bosom of the black hole. So I not only invite in difficult feeling but I dance with them. Or encourage these difficult feelings to rebound me out of my black hole and into dancing with you.

When my feelings and thoughts turn to movements they make a surprising dance all the time. Surprise--I’m a baby boy or a baby girl. Look at me twirl with tears in my eyes cause being alive is such a surprise.

All of these myriad feelings and thoughts are grounded in my awareness of my body.
Especially in my torso and in my heart. My heart moves as my torso moves. Up and down. And then my heart moves my torso to go up and down and all around. And then the love I feel can make my heart move my torso to be softer and more flexible.

My heart in my torso is the home I feel at home in.
In Hebrew the God that calls Abraham is
Named El Shaddai, which literally means “God of my Breast,” or in more modern language “God of my Torso.” When I love all my feelings and thoughts, then they migrate to my torso, to my heart, and I can love them.

And I meet them at the door of my heart, laughing. Feelings flow. They are “humors” which is the Greek word for the bodily fluids that are our feelings. Even if these feelings are difficult, like depression, they are humors—so why not laugh with them.

In co-counselling we are taught to say we love what we hate until we can laugh. So I can say, I love being crunched up in a fetal position feeling everyone is more substantial than I am.

**
I know that once I opened up to letting all my feelings and thoughts express themselves my old sense of self evaporated. I no longer have to try to be a loving fun happy person. I am much happier, more loving, and more fun letting the avalanche of feelings and thoughts express themselves—and I greet all of them with laughing love in my torso.
My clown name is Ozie Mosey. Ozie Mosey has a torso which moves like a wave whenever he speaks.

**
Rumi writes that difficult feelings can be clearing out all your furniture for a new delight. Is awareness itself delightful? How can I say that great pain is delightful? I can say that moving with and expressing that pain often helps. My friend Kathryn says there is something pure about really experiencing the pain when her father died.

PC: Breath and awareness are like a mother’s touch. They can bring a softness that is strong and help us grow. Breathing into my heart moves me to feel soft and strong. With my friend Wendy, when I was feeling very inadequate, I felt love in my heart for her and thought I don’t need to do anything else.

5-3-07

Recycling of Attention.

Patrick: 1. Focus on you, your connection to the floor, your connection to the environment, us, and then the presence or energy that connects us all together. If you’d like to you could call the connecting energy/presence “God.”

2. Whatever you need to do helps the duet between us. When you dance alone, solo, you are feeding our duet when we decide or dsicover we are dancing together.

3. Rest in feelings and then open to possibilities.

4. Relax into the moment. Feel your desires. Move in a way that your desires are beginning to come true. If you want a new love, love the air, the floor, and even the words that say “I’d love to find my new love.”

5. When you relax into the moment, you free yourself from your stories.

5-11-07

Patrick: Feel your weight pour into the floor.
Be moved by your sensations.

MK: I allow my sensation of the hard but supporting floor to move me to tense my muscles.

Patrick: Be moved by your breath.

It’s so easy to move my often frozen torso when I let my inhalation move my torso. It requires all my attention to make sure that I am allowing my breath to move me rather than consciously trying to move my torso. I can then add to the momentum of my moving torso. Instead of substituting conscious movement, I elaborate, exaggerate, respond to my unconscious movement.

Patrick: Be moved by your emotions.

Once the momentum of letting my sadness move me gets going its easy to add to that momentum. I close my eyes and squeeze my tears.

Patrick: Be moved by your images.

I see a small boy, me, playing in a sand box. I let the sand ooze through my fingers. My sand caressed fingers move my head to feel the caress of the air.

Patrick: Be moved by your desires.

What do I want after all these instructions and exercises. I want to keep feeling this unending peace of being moved by me.

Patrick: Be moved by your visions.

This is a little scarier. I envision dancing with my new love. Smiling. This vision moves me around the floor in some combination of fox trot and waltz.

**

Patrick: Be little Mikey as a child. Down on the floor. Children spend much of their time on the floor.

I am a little boy banging on the floor and scraping my body on the floor and rolling on the floor. Yum yum yum.

Patrick: Be adult Michael without losing the momentum that grew you up from little Mikey.

MK: I feel much more connected when I keep the play and fun of little Mikey as I stand up and subtly stamp around as a responsible adult.

Patrick: Now be your greater body and self. Perhaps you can conceive of this as your guide. First move like this greater you.

MK:I flap my arms. They feel like wings. They are wings. I am the archangel with my name. I feel like I am transparent to air and light. I imagine air and light go right through me. I am an invisible messenger. Or I have a subtle body which includes wings.

Patrick: Let the words you speak come out of all parts of your body—out of all your pores.

MK: Words like “hello Patrick” come out of my knees, feet, forehead. All at the same time.

Patrick: What does your three selves have to say about relationships?

Adult Michael: I feel hollow in the center of my body. I am lonely. I am a little black hole.

Little Mikey: Let’s play in the hole.

Archangel Michael: Be the black hole. All that you experience can move into you, be lost in your mystery, and then shoot out like the rays of light showering through the universe from the edge of black holes.

Patrick: What does little Mikey want in a relationship.

Little Mikey: Someone to play with.

Patrick: Tell that to adult Michael.

Little Mikey: Hey. Adult Michael. I want someone to play with. What do you want?

Adult Michael [Standing up and talking serious]. I’d like a growing laughing loving sharing relationship—that keeps growing.

Patrick: Remember that you want a loving relationship when you doubt you are going to find someone.

Adult Michael: [Striding around the room.] I often think it would be quite O.K. if I remain alone in this life-time. I have certainly been blessed with love. But I do believe in synchronicity. As soon as I am ready my new love will appear.

Patrick: And what does the Archangel Michael have to say?

Archangel Michael: I am ready to fly to love. Along with little mikey and Adult Michael. When we join forces and are one then we’ll be ready to be one with a new love.

Patrick: This sounds like Adult Michael not the Archangel. Remember you’re only an archangel when the words come out of your entire body. Spread your wings again and discover what words come out of your body.

Archangel Michael: I don’t know what to expect. But I do know it will be dazzling love in one way or another. A love that flies with me and Adult Michael and little Mikey.

Patrick: Congratulations.
5-17-07 There Aint Nothin’ Here but Us Feelings

1. Pleasure or pain or focusing on any sensation enables this sensation to take over so my body feels transparent. There aint nothin but this pleasure goin’ on.

Patrick: Roll on floor slowly. Keep your feet continuously on the floor—except when they slide over the other front leg.

MK: My entire foot rolls on the floor. So sensual, so fun, so interesting. Rockin’ and rollin’.

Patrick: Let it be a sensual, continuous sliding.

MK: Nothing else is now here but sensual, continuous sliding. I can be aware of my heavy, solid body if I choose too. And I can go back to the sensual continuous sliding feeling when I choose.

Patrick: Here’s one way to come to standing. One leg lunges forward. One leg is back on your knee with your foot touching the floor.
Now slowly put your weight forward more and more on your lunging leg while your back leg comes forward and lifts your knee off the floor.
Be able to stop anywhere on this journey.
You eventually come to standing. Two feet parallel.
Feel your head perched on top of your spine.

MK: [I reflect afterwards ]It’s impossible for my thoughts to dominate as long as I am aware of my head perching gently over and on my spine.

**

Patrick: While you move through space with your eyes closed and change levels say: “I am” and fill in the blank with a noun.

I am a man.

I am strong.

I am sensitive.

I am fun.

I am intelligent.

I am caring.

I am love.

I am free.

I am creative.

I am a tree.

I am the sun.

I am michael koran
Formerly michael korn

Patrick: You can add an adjective.

I am a happy man.

Patrick: Now do this with the words I desire . . . .

I desire a partner.

I desire to finish my book.

I desire to be paid for my T.V. program.

I desire to have a paid t.v. program with a partner.

I desire millions of people to read and be helped by my book and other creations.

I desire to stay healthy til 100 and die like a happy baby then.

I desire world peace and justice.

I desire food and health for everyone.

I desire to stay healthy.

I desire that my love between my friends and I keeps growing.

I desire more and more friends to join my extending family.

I desire that everyone else share in all my blessings so that our blessings continue being fruitful and multiplying.

I desire to rejoice and share everyone’s joys and blessings.

I desire to be comapssionate and help as much as I am able all beings who suffer.

I’d like my humor to reveal, rather than conceal, my truth at this moment and all moments.
6-10-07 Floors R US

Patrick: Feel the floor in every cell of your body. Feel the floor in your words and thoughts. Make sure you feel the floor in the center of your stomach. The floor is sending your body to be a floor-ambassador. You are a walking floor. Let others know what a great land the floor is—to visit, to live on, and to love with every cell of the body. Every word from your mouth and every thought from your brain also reveals how wonder full the floor is.

MK: Perhaps I have no fear of death since I am the earth that I am going back to.

Patrick: Let more pictures and a story come from your identification with the floor.

MK: I am a tree blowing in the wind—dropping acorns on the earth. “Welcome home acorns,” the earth whispers in the wind. The acorns are overjoyed to return home. They jump for joy in slow motion and become little oak trees. One of the little oak trees is a better jumper and stomps on his brothers and sisters. They cry out—but it sounds like a cry of joy. Back to the earth they fall only to jump into their bigger brother and become limbs on his tree ready to drop acorns back to the ground in this never ending oak tree into acorn dance.

Patrick: Now breathe the air into every cell in your body. You are air. What pictures and stories come?

I see JFK junior in a pilot’s uniform. Now he is just a little three year old boy. His father has been assassinated. No more Daddy. Hard to grow up without a Daddy to take my hand and show me how to fly a plane. Mom pays for some man to teach me. But he is not my father. When I fly I do not hear my father’s voice telling me to be careful. So I crash into the water and die. I am no longer air. I am debris in water. But soon I am eaten by fishes and they breathe me out of their gills so I can join the air and be the air. You may even be breathing me now.

Patrick: Find an object in the room that will relate to the story.

I eat sardines in a can. Sometime later I go to the bathroom. The sardines, or some part of them, joins the water as I flush it down the toilet. Soon sardines you will be outside somewhere and can decompose and some part of you can join the air and live happily ever after.

Patrick: How can you keep feeling you are both earth and air when you meet difficult people?

When I breathe in I am aware of the air expanding my torso and heart..
Agenda 7-12-07

PC: What are the physical moves that will help you change:
Fear into Awe or Excitement?

MK: It might help to have my whole body involved so toes and head are in communication.

PC: Sadism into Compassion?

MK: It might help to move so I feel I’m standing in the skin of the person I want to feel compassion for.

PC: Jealousy into Admiration?

MK: It might help to have my eyes move my head so I look up to others.

PC: Love from your body and heart into your Head ?

MK: Does the small dance (just allowing my body to move) do this when I am aware that my head is included?

PC: Love that infuses your head and mind and then is shared or radiated into someone else’s body/heart/head/mind?

MK: Would simply being aware that my small dancing creates some moves, motions, waves that eventually impact on others? Would just looking at them with my eyes while small dancing help this?

G. Extracts from 2006

2009-12-26T10:56:00.000-08:00

1-27- 06

Very Deer Patrick,

1. Who would have guessed, after all these 6 years of working together, finally, finally I get a clearer explanation of where my center is:

You say: 2 inches below my belly button I should hold one hand there and one hand behind my back at the same level. And then I can imagine, as I breathe, a balloon expanding out of my front, belly, ribs, and maybe maybe a little bit out of my back. And if I can sense the center of this balloon then I am feeling my center.

2. We practiced balance while being centered. Moving one foot while still being centered. And then we transferred our weight while still feeling centered.

***3. When my knees slightly bend I feel vulnerable. No protection.
You wanted my arms in front of me but not clenching my fingers.
I imagine a centered breath can help me expand outwards without feeling too vulnerable.

4. When we danced together you talked about a “V” from the floor. Each of us feeling the energy/sensation from the floor coming into our center, into our body and moving up.
And the spill over from this energy can connect us. We do not connect directly.

5. I have too much energy in my arms and head. Need to feel the energy from my torso and legs.

I tried feeling how nice it is to raise my feet, even a little, and then put them down. It feels so different form just keeping my feet on the floor. Playing with the floor. In and out. Up and down. There must be something like an electric charge that walking can bring. Away, together, away together. Why is that so so so different from just sticking to the floor? Static versus dynamic. Is it like a baby leaving his mother’s arms and then going back after exploration. Or a space traveler leaving and returning to earth. Is it the play between freedom and love? Exciting. I love you earth and now I am free and now back in touch. Even feeling the spring from the earth. Love, earth wants us to spring free.
And of course there are times to rest in winter or lie in corpse pose. Everyone has their hobbies. Thanks for teaching me new ones. Like picking up my foot and putting it down. What could be more sexy, more exciting, more advancing?

2-8-06

Don’t leave. Weave.
Don’t leave yourself behind when you leave yourself behind.
As we open to what is new keep the flow of what we were doing.
Don’t blank slate it.
Can’t run from what I am feeling as I enter a new situation.

I go to teach my class late at night. I’d rather not be there UNTILI remember what you taught.
Be centered. Feel my stomach, gut and other organs down there move sweetly, sexually as I breathe. Then it is fun to enter the classroom cause I can simply enjoy breathing from the center of my body. Who cares about the students?

AND THE SPIRITUAL PART IS:
As you taught we do not need to meet horizontally.
I can just be happily breathing and as I expand around myself up and down and all around I will meet my students and then we can play
More people to play with when I am happily in my body/self.

**

Toes

As I step on my toes I can feel some bouyancy.
Just tiny movements onto my toes to begin with.
Then a little bounce comes. Can’t push it. but I can invite the bounce.
Bounce! bounce. I can talk to my bounce or my bounce-to-be.
Bounce dear bounce, please I’ll be your best friend. Bounce just a little little, tiny tiny bounce--maybe even just a thought a feeling or an intention to bounce to start with. You can bounce, Bounce.

**
You give me homework to mention parts of my OG (Organizing Gang in the center of my body.) Well I can feel my stomach and my diaphragm and my penis and maybe a little of my long intestine. Liver and pancreas are a bit beyond me—even small intestine hard to feel. Although when I concentrate I can feel lots of the gang moving as I breathe. Breaths feel sweet when I focus on my soft underbelly.

It feels like each breath is a blessing to me and could, without pushing it, expand to make blessings with others.

**

When we move from this breath or when I follow your instructions, I can feel a little expanding of my chest, and this expanding energy ripples or at least moves into my arms, legs and head. Need to focus on this and learn how to better ripple. Am I rippling from my OG as I type these words?

I can travel back to my Og as I type these words with my finger tips. It’s too hard to let the Og move my fingers. Seems like the impulse from my Og can go into my mind and then these words can dance. Og to mind to fingers. And then I can feel these words with my mind and OG and then recycle back from Og to mind to fingers and the dance goes on.

**

PC: We can find a deeper well of life when we go into corpse pose.
And that deeper well of energy can enter into whatever problem we had as we enter.

2-14-06

PC: Moving from feet produces an Og moving.
LLHW [Lifelong Homework]: Scan to find out what isn’t involved.

**
MK: When in doubt lower my center. I used to be scared because this feels so vulnerable, but now movements and feelings can come out. Much anger and vulnerability can be fun and powerful and physical/sensuous/sexy/spiritual.

PC: Let movement ripple through spine.
With bent knees it can feel like we are having sex with the floor.

Pelvic moves:
1. forward and back
2. side to side
3. Circle
4. Figure 8.

Moving from your pelvis:
One leg bent standing, the other leg moves from the pelvis.

Exercise: back and forward—balancing on the standing leg.

Stay with one foot forward, one back.
a. wiggle or shimmy
b. pelvic tilt
c. circle
d. figure 8.

Let movement ripple through spine.

**

1. a physical/sensual/sexual/ spiritual small dance of your OG and your heart and head with everything you touch.

2. Body scan see if everything is involved. How about you heart? Good. Lower organs?

2-28-06

1. Head, Chest, Pelvis can initiate in one area but let the movement ripple through the other areas. It can be a shake or a flow.

2. Or intitiate from chest or pelivs and let it ripple up to head.

3. Also can ripple down.
But up better.

4. Bend knee, go thru center, head goes to side.

**
Warm up: eyes closed. Touching with skin, muscle or bone. Skin is airy, sensual. Bone can produce lightness for lifting.

In sitting pelvis can support spine and head.

Once my head is aligned the action of my spine is free.
Also once my head feels and is supported by my spine and pelvis my head can move freely.

**
Lying on the ground I can turn and be supported by my arm.

**sit with spine supporting and arms just assisting.

**
Once head and spine find each other
Once head let’s spine support it
Freedom.
The tail is part of my spine.
3-6-06

MK:[sums up PC’s lesson]

1. All body aligned in the direction I am going.

2. Toes pointing where knees are bending.

3. When touching heads: head can receive and give while feeling weight.

4. Lifetime homework: keep experience as we go into a new experience. In Action Theatre we can either shift into something entirely new or transform into new.
But even the radical change that is a shift can be a movement from the fullness of where we are. Like a fruit blossoming from a blossom.

5. Our tail bone, imagined tail, and our penis can be imagined to be one flexible snake wrapped together.

6. Our head could be felt as the top veterbrae of our spine.

7. A wire or a supple sapling could be imagined as coming out of the soft part at the top of our crown.

Two ways of movement:

8. High tone is when we are firm and all our parts are doing the same thing in alignment.

9. Low tone is more flexible. (which means????) We are doing the same thing or different things? In aligment or not????).

10. When I am centered in the core of my body I can be wilder because my still center can support the wildness.

11. I can let my head or my tail take me places.

12. Eye contact is a vehicle for sharing the dance or whatever we are focusing on—physical, sensual, sexual, spiritual striving animals.

13. My head onto my tail is like our feeling our heads meeting. My head meets my spinal chord and can feel my tail meeting my head. They are balancing weights dancing together leaning into each other or away with many variaitions of these two polarities.
Also can feel gravity. Tail over feet pulled by the center of the earth. The heart can join. We can walk and practice walking this way. All in balance.
Even when I am wild: head and tail allows wildness, contained and strong simplifying in spine (which means?????) this yields our biggest movement.
Go from wildness of spine to simplicity of spine. Greatest range gives us movement and expression.

PC: We can at any time focus on what emotions are brought up by any of the ways we are moving. We can ask what emotions we have connecting to our partner. Or what emotions their movement sbring up in us. Or what movements their movements move us to do and what emotions are connected to our movements (or experiencing their movments).
We can ask ourselves to focus on our relationship to the earth (what movements come, what emotions are connected to those movements).
We can ask ourselves to focus on the sky and again discover what movements come from this focusing and what emotions and thoughts arise from these movements. We can do the same by focusing on god, our heart, healing parts of our body, mind and spirit etc. Focus, move, discover. Or move, focus, discover. Of course moving itself is a discovery. And there may be much I still have to learn about focusing.

15. God can be experienced as
physical/sensual/sexual/spiritual/aware dance energy
moving through
physical/sensual/sexual/ spiritual/ aware dancers
allowing/creating
physical/sensual/ sexual/ spiritual dance (or creations or re-creations or actions/interactions)
by always inviting dancing energies to dance with, in, through, and beyond us.
3-15-06

1. Corpse Pose: full breath with surrender.

2. scan for sensation—crown to toes.

3. dissolve—formlessness, timelessness, utter surrender.

**
slow warmup—enjoy movements.

Different parts of the body are like family.

**
align body with floor.

Explore range of movement.

How can each part of body be centered.

Centered in relation to other parts.

**

when we are centered in our body there’s much less need of vision, but visual capactiy is greater.

**
Ultimate inner witness is loving.

** Tell Sarah that you would like to push ( find a push that is primal yet has sensitivity to what is being puched and to the limits and health of your own body. This kind of pushing involves the fluidly of going in and out of a push - created by the subtle increments of contraction and release of your tissues. If the pushing become to much for her, then she can tell you and you will move with out contact with her witnessing. (Authentic Movement - if eyes are closed, which I think would be very helpful to you)End the session with some sort of physical contact and then both of you process (you first)You could do the same for her.This process for you is about finding the truth of your need to be held and loved, your need to push away, your fear, you anger, your issues of disconnection, your neediness, your truth and power.Keep the container, keep the ending - do not turn it into love making. Later after doing it a while you could agree that it is open to turn into love making if you both want.
3-23-06

1. Doing yoga slowly I can feel the effects after I move.

2. Plow: wrists and palms to the floor. Extend gently through fingers.

3. Breathe deliciously through every part of my body.

4. Move continuously—going back and forth between making effort and feeling the effect of the effort. And I can feel both at the same time.

5. Any effort is always done with a sense of surrender (rest) enjoying it, feeling it.

6. Pelvic tilt: feet and knees hip distance apart.

7. Knees to chin: do the movement very slowly with the emphasis on even luxurious inhalations and exhalations Do hold breath at end of inhalation.

8. Unified breath and movement with breath a priority.
The beginnings and end of both the inhalation and exhalation get slower and more subtle.

9. Enjoy the suspension between inhalation and exhalation.

If I pause for too long, it causes the beginning of inhalatoin or exhalation to be too fast.

PC: 10. In poses and transistion between poses.

a. feel shift of weight
b/ pouring of weight.
c. feel where the grounding is: support and grounding precedes movement.
d. feel the contact with the floor and play with the contacts.
e. go fluidly in and out of the poses.

**
Hands are a vehicle for the centre of our body to dance.

**
Movements try to articulate themselves.
Let the intimacy come.
One thing leads to another.

High-light, exaggerate what is going on.

Allow and deepen into what is happening.

Follow my own momentum, not just “we.”

Sometimes we have to surrender our agenda.

**
hands dance, share weight, pour weight
and can dance ecstatically
allow our entire body to dance through our hands.
3-30-06

1. Pour weight: it is the body fluid.

2. Integrate breath and movement. Momentum of breathing and movement.
How do they reinforce, play . Let the body find the pathway of movement. It knows better than you.
Ultimately of course you and your body are one.

3. Move up to standing. Let momentum take us down.

4. Head on arm to rise from floor.

5. Deliciousness of pouring weight.

MK: 6. Corpse Pose: feeling my body is in communication with yours. I’d like to not lose that feeling of connection when I focus on my body. Just don’t close into my shell. I don’t have to do anything to maintain the connection. Just don’t close into my shell.

7. Lying on floor I can stretch my leg so the centre of my body can bring me up.

8. animal energy involves listening!!!
Which brings us to our agenda for next time:

Agenda: my beloved still wants me to “turn her” on.
I tell her that we are each responsible for our own experience,
But we can help turn each other on.
I am learning
a. to first feel physical
b. only then feel my sensation

Gabriel Roth had us dance, at times, focusing on the movements of our partner.
IS THERE A WAY TO FOCUS ON MY BELOVED WITHOUT LOSING MYSELF?
WHY NOT? IF I HAVE MYSELF I CAN FOCUS ON HER.

AND THEN DO I FOCUS ON WHAT MY PRESSURE, SENSATIONS ARE DOING TO HER BODY AND SENSATIONS?

THEN HOW I AM STIRRING HER FEELINGS WITH MINE.
HOW AM I TOUCHING HER HEART? EYES? THE CENTER OF HER BODY?

Can I touch her clitoris with my penis even tho I am only holding her hand?

WITH ALL MY MOVES AM I PLAYING WITH EXCITING, HER PHYSICAL/SENSUAL/SEXUAL/MENTAL/ SPIRITUAL BODY? LOTS TO LEARN.

4-6-06

1. Impersonal can be very personal.
I can feel my body as an elemental being. Just momentum, wieght, movement.
This can balance the personal. We looke dit up in an etymological dictionary and discovered “person” means “sounding through.” It comes from an actor sounding through the mask (persona) he was wearing. Sound is more elemental than words. Out of the elements of sound and movement and weight and momentum and breathing and heart beating we fashion/create a person or role in any situation.

Is there a way that we can break out of our persona, our habitual way of perception, and discover a more real being?
I can discover what might be called “transpersonal.”
Some union of the elemental and personal that breaks all personal molds.
Perhaps transcending our personal mask and becoming more elemental can help create an unmasked humanity. If the elements of life are the divine soup out of which we all are made, by becoming elemeantal we become part of the divine soup. Perhaps we could then fashion a human build out of the divine soup.

Crucial to being present to how the union of elements creates a role for us is the ability to always be surprised by where the elements takes us and to be surprised by how we fashion the role we are in. To know ourselves is always not to know ourselves.

**
2. Getting up from the ground lead from my head and my center.

3. Looking at Patrick when my back is on the ground I can put my head on my outstretched arm. Way more relaxed.

4. Small dance:
a. breath and fluids move
b. Momentum from the breath and fluids moves me.
c. 1. effort(or will or desire) gently just joins this movement
2. effort or will or desire can begin to create from this movement.

5. Authentic movement practice:
A. Partners can witness me move.
I can witness her move.
B. I can actively support her movment.
She can actively support mine.
C. We can join, but it is a slight following of whomever is leading.
D. Then we can totally join with no designated leader.

6. Lead with listening.
I can feel a “we” when I am leading. I can feel my partners moves and weight as I lead. And sometimes I can feel a new creation which is a “we” out of our indivdual movements.
“We” needs to come back to “I” and “You.” “I” and “you” then can form a new base from which to create a “we.” And yet again the “we” can form a new base to create and ‘I” and “we” which can form a new base . . . and we and I and you could go on forever.

**
7. “I” do not have to be closed with a shell in order to be “I.”
“I” is just one part of the dance to be “we” which leads to being “I” and “You” again and again.
People like me who have had their “I’s” taken over and shattered have had to protect their broken “I’s” with shells.
How can we be free of our shells? When I discover who I really am, I discover I am the momentum (or the movement) between “I” and “We” and then back to “I” and back to “we” again and again forever.
Unfortuanately when I am scared I don’t truly become “we’ nor do I truly become “I.” Because to truly become one involves truly becoming the other. A protected, isolated “I” is an imitation “I.”
My too lonely “I” then tries too much to create, from his isolated self, something that feels like “we” but isn’t a true joining.

Our essential nature is both. We really don’t have to do anything when we discover our elemental nature. No fear of losing our persona because we don’t need a mask anymore. Our elemental nature can sound through, shine through, smell through, taste through, feel through.

What then happens to our personality, our persona? The persona was once the mask and then persona became a word for the actor, i..e he was a “person.” A “person” is someone behind ther masks who plays persona. Perhaps an actor who plays his roles consciously and can drop them for a new creation
BUT DON’T WE SOMETIMES FEEL HONEST, FEEL WE ARE NOT PLAYING A ROLE?
The mask can come off and what or who are we?
To me it feels like I am revealing that I am a person, a human being, who happens to be a teacher when I am in a classroom. Or my “role” is to be a love partner when I am with my dearly beloved. But the particular role I am given could/should be an opportunity to reveal even more of myself. A great actor can express feelings that she can’t usually express in society.

Is there such a thing as a person with no masks? Or is to be human to always have some role? And then the only question is how deep, honest, creative, elemental we can be in that role?
6-15-06

You ask me to practice walking into my classroom.
I do it badly. No presence. Needing energy cause I’m tired. Uttering words like wow too causually.
Not dressing for the part.

BUT THE HEART OF IT IS:

WHEN I FEEL AND MOVE WITH MY PHYSICAL/SENSUAL/SEXUAL/ LOVING, MENTAL/ SPIRITUAL FLOW I CAN DANCE WITH MY STUDENTS.
AND WORDS CAN COME FROM THIS DANCE.
OR WORDS CAN LEAD A DANCE TOO.

BUT EVEN IF WORDS LEAD THERE IS ALWAYS A DANCE HOWEVER SMALL-- EVEN WHEN I AM JUST SITTING IN MY CHAIR.
BUT I DON’T NEED TO SIT
ESPECIALLY SINCE I AM THE TEACHER.
**
Now the funny and amazing part is:
I and my students now feel limitless.
As soon as judgment leaves (about myself or them)
it feels like I am part of a dance way beyond me (beyond my understanding). When my head lets go of control I feel like I am in a limitless place.
This is in fact intellectually true. Even tho there are walls and a floor (alas instead of earth and sky) the walls and floor are resting on the earth and under the sky. I can be aware, feel that whatever structures there are: we are also part of a space/time world/universe that is wondrously limitless.

I think the more I can be precise about limits the more I can feel the limitless. The more I can precisely feel the momentum in your hand the more I can also feel my hand and yours are part of an unending momentum. Of course I can feel the limitless by just closing my eyes and drifting off into the infinite. Or I can open my eyes and focus just on your or my body’s momentum. Both of these focusings are partial. Both are needed at times when we forget them. But there is really no such thing as the limitless without the limited. And no such thing as the limited without the limitless. Are there ways we can practice being with the limitless as we explore the limited?

**

You and I discuss the relationship between awe and fear and vulnerability.

Someone said something like: “fear is awe without the excitement” or maybe without the fun.

Awe does takes us or brings us beyond ourselves.

Awe feels like an awesome zone we can all get in.

It might feel a little or a lot vulnerable or even fearful getting in, but once in we might feel strong, secure, sure.

Bill Russell, the great hall of fame basketball star, wrote that when in the zone he felt he knew where the opposing players were GOING to go.

Ben Hogans said when in the zone the hole to putt his golf ball in looked like a bathtub.

** When we get into the limitless awe zone, the limits of the world might be experieced differently.

Judgments might be there, we can know each other’s limitations, but they are part of (and may be transformed by) the awe that is happening.

The same fun/wonder we can have with our eyes closed we can have when we open them.

Eyes can see limitations within the unlimited nature of all of us. Where does the green from a leaf end? Or the sound of your voice. Or the mind boggling possiblities in this moment. In fact this very moment is unlimited in its very self. Who know’s where you’ll be when you read this, what these words (inspired by you) will inspire you to inspire me with.

Agenda:

1. How to keep this unlimited, infinite sense while living and judging in our world?

2. Light, firelight, is one extraordinary example of the limitless. Firelight from the sun and stars keeps spreading to the limitless ends of our expanding universe. And much of us is made out of exploding stars. All our food from the firelight furnace of the sun. How can we discover keep in touch with and spread the unlimited firelight in us? Can we help light one another’s fire forever?

Firelight:
Our cells are continually burning oxygen and food.
Little fire-places in every cell.
The earth is mostly fire.
Rumi says our minds are skies streaked with stars.
Sex can feel like fire in every finger.
Touching can warm us.
Light can be seen in our eyes.
Breathing is fanning our cell’s fires.
Doesn’t our heart pump in order to feed the fires in our cells? Heart beats fuel to fire. Fire in the belly is needed to succeed? How can we find, feed and fan our fires--while, like a divine burning bush, keeping our bodies and minds unconsumed (even if transformed) by the firelight? Can each step of our soles, pressing into the earth, which is fire in its core, bring fire-light into our bodies, minds, spirits, souls? Fire-lighting soles fire-lighting souls?
7-13-06 New Old Body

I feel my penis, my lips and my body is rotten.

Isaiah writes: “I am a man of unclean lips” when the word of the Lord comes to him.

**
I writhe on the floor with these feelings.

Patrcik says to make a circle to hold them.

To go to various places in the room with the different feelings.

I want to hit the floor til my hand is hurt

Or knock the floor with my head until my head is hurt.

It feels like I want to destroy my body.

**
Patrick says there is a special place in the room where I can play with these feelings.
**

I tell Patrick that Bee, my therapist, lets different parts of my body speak.

I want to fuck.

But no
.
I want love.

Sweet love.

A new body is needed. Can I feel it?

Let let let a new body come from inside.

Love’s Body.

**

I feel a mask around my face, a scaffolding. Like a catcher’s mask.

I’ve hid behind my mask, my head.
My new body :

P encourages sounds to come.

No words.

Sounds from my belly.

Sounds breaking through my rotten body.

There’s a clean thick penis.

Never knew I had one there.
Fresh. New.
Why?
Can’t jump to my head.
Pain in my body. Fingers typing this.
Metallic pain. I tell Patrcik I once wrote “a hidden machine gun riddles us with bullets.”

**
feel the pain. This metallic protection even in my body.
Hard. Metal.

and somehow breaking thru the rot and metal with the sounds from my belly
a new me being born from my belly.

All those words from my head destroying my body.

Keeping it in a closet.
Doing without consulting. Especially sex.
Me using my body for sex.

Ug.
Let the sounds and movmeents of my body express themselves.

My new body is really my old body unsurpressed.

Must be very watchful that my head doesn’t take this thought and steal it away from my body.

Dangerous typing these words unless I am typing from the center of my body-- my balls, my penis and not my head.
Who knows. I’ll have to learn.

**
and the metal mask, casing
it might be abe to leave now if it can come back when needed.

Metal is good.
Just not all the time.
I can take off this catcher’s mask.
8-29-06

We started with Patrick asking me to pick four objects in the room to represent each part of my agenda.

1. I picked a mango, put it in the center of the floor,
to represent the love bubble that I still feel after being in dance camp.

2. I picked a guaze-like bag to represent bouncing and placed it in front of the refrigerator. I wanted to learn/remember to bounce when I play tennis.

3. I picked a floor sponge to represent seamlessness and placed it in front of the sink.

4. I picked a pepper shaker to represent leading with our head when we move.

**

Patrick asks me to dance with each of the items.
I put the mango in my pants. It feels fun to dance with it.
I put the sponge on my head. Pepper shaker on the sponge. I hold it there and might look a little like unicorn.

I put the gauze bag in my pocket and try to bounce.

**
We eventualy go to breathing seamlessly. First lying down. I discover my breath feels like a wave that goes under and over the beating ripples of my heartbeat. Perhaps there are really two waves. The constant bump bump bump of my heart beat intercepted in places by a wave going higher and then lower. Like the high and low notes of a melody waving through a drum beat.

Patrick asks me to—without trying—make a little longer the ends of the breaths. “Do it by feeling how delicious the ends of the breath are.”
Also “ feel the inhalation go through into the exhalation.
“Now allow this seamless breath to move your torso.”

And I discover that my torso can move in many ways. Especially since Patrick tells me to feel the feelings and movements that my seamless breath inspires in my torso.

**
Our question about keeping the bubble of love from dance camp may have a begining answer here. By moving my heart in my torso, via my seamless breath, I may be able to feel different waves of love, different feelings of love, come out.

And Patrick insists: “don’t limit love to one or even a few movements or even a few feelings.”

So if I can let the infinite varieties of love feelings and love movements arise in my heart—this can be a basis for keeping the love bubble alive.

But the love bubble feels like a hug. It feels that the environment, space and time—of dance camp—the lake and trees and road and dining hall with snacks always there and some people I know to eat with and laugh with and talk with—this environment hugs me and I just breathe the hug in and out.

So, how can I feel this love bubble, love hug, when no longer in that environment? Will dancing in my room help? Will dancing in the dances here in the city help? But the dances do not allow for much talking. No where comfortably to talk, eat, swim together. So so so different.
**

Perhaps if I am dancing all the time, even when writing these words, fingers dancing, words from my torso heart. Well maybe I might have to learn how to let these words come from my heart. Ouch. Ohhhhhhhhh.

That feels better.

Can these words be towards your torso and heart?

Oh yes.

****

9-7-06

Agenda: meeting my love after spending time apart:

I usually feel loveless and ashamed I am loveless when I plan to meet my love after we have been apart for more than a day or two.
I fight my lovelessness and feel drained and empty from the fight and the lovelessness. I am also ashamed of the drained, empty fighting and scared to be seen as so messed up and scared to be so scared.

Otherwise I’m happy to say hello and hug and kiss. Sex in the past was a way to hide from these feelings.

**

I. Now I can be with these feelings. Even find and feel and move and dance with the parts of my body that feel these feelings.
Feel and let my loveless heart move—even ever so slightly. Those empty balls. Those frightened guts. That ashamed neck.

**

and magic, miracle:

being with and feeling and allowing these parts to move
turns these challenging-difficult-painful feelings into their opposite.
When I am simply with the lovelessness, the lovelessness feels accepted which can move it to feel loved. Love now infuses lovelessness. My heart feels love because it has both accepted the lovelessness and is now appreciated and loved by the lovelessness.
So, the feeling of unending lovelessness can be an invitation to find an unconditional love. A love without end, borders.

We called these four challenges, these four horsemen of the apocalypse

“SELF”

“S” for “Shame.”
“E” for “Emptiness.”
“L” for “ Lovelessness.”
“F” for “Fear.”

They also transmute into their opposite when I can simply be with them.

We played with blanket and pillow. I hugged the S.E.L.F and then the S.E.L.F. hugged me. We merged with love.

Emptiness feels so full when I become the emptiness:
Opening up to everything and more.

Shame feels so proud when I am able to fully feel my shame.

Fear feels so brave when I fully fear my fear.

PC: Simple magic. Yes, to be with the emptiness and enjoy it. Emptiness is the seed of the fullness and vitality of life. I wonder if you have been trained like most of us to experience emptiness/nothingness/void as negative and lovelessness. If we do not except the emptiness, it quickly can seem like lovelessness because we have squished any of the presence of it away into oblivion.Also here is “arriving”: We race to put names on our experience. When you first see someone, you are “arriving” into the experience and there is mystery. If I do not accept this, I miss this rich experience - “I do no know what is happening, who I am, who you are, and I am delighted to find out.” This experience is the experience of falling in love. But somehow we forget this when we are not in that situation. We label the similar experience bad when it is not in that context.
**

II. We then played with these themes in the story of Abraham and Isaac.

Abraham: frightened, ashamed, loveless and empty as he is about to sacrifice his son.

Isaac (whose name means “laughter” or “he laughs”)
also feels empty, loveless, fearful. Does he feel ashamed? Perhaps like abused children who feel they deserve abuse. The child must have done something wrong to deserve the abuse. And for Laughter, like me, his greatest fault was to be conceived. Laughter’s conception was a bad seed bringing hell to the household.

When Laughter was weaned he riotously played and laughed with his older brother, Ishmael. Sarah was jealous and banished Ishamael and his mother, Hagar, (Abraham’s mistress) to possible death in the wilderness. Laughter breeds resentment for all who don’t laugh. Dead pan humor might be the safest humor. If my listeners don’t laugh—no one might know they are missing something.

So, Laughter also, like his brother Ishmael, is almost killed in the wilderness. But when his father’s knife is poised over his heart, a “messenger, his friend cries “don’t do anything to the boy.”
Now Laughter can be his true self, true to his name , and never stop laughing. Laughter has faced the death planned by his father and their God. After jumping off that altar, Laughter is a jack-in-the-box that can break through any limitations, even those commanded by God.

**

III. Cherishing

I spoke of my last good lover (7 years ago!).
We had great sex, tantric sex for me, but I did not cherish her or even her luscious body parts.
I just felt the ecstatic energy. I didn’t cherish my body parts either. I quickly leaped into the sexual energy and forgot that it was her lips and mine that made those sweet touching kisses.

**
So you gave me instructions to cherish my body. I first tried to do it consciously. I cherish you, knee. But I quickly discovered that there is a cherishing feeling before words. Just feel unending wonder and yum and then after feeling this it might be safe to use the word “cherishing.” I did this with many body parts. Woooooooooooooo!

And then you asked me to have my entire body interact with many parts. They had a cherishing dance. A part could cherish the body that made it alive and part of an extraordinary team. Yeah team! Yeah part. Yeah part of team.

**

I wanted to look up the word “adore.” “Adore” come from the root “to pray to.” It means to worship as a God. It is like intensified cherishing. But it is acknowledging that what I am cherishing is indeed divine. I can cherish something and think/feel it is extremely valuable. But if it is “divine” well then it can
to be prayed to.

If I adore you then I pray with all my body, heart, mind and spirit that . . . you who I cherish will continue to share your unlimited bountiful divinity with me!
Why not?
Is there a way to invite the feeling of adoration? Maybe you would say the divinity is there. We just have to have the courage, the love, the fearlessness and the creativity to feel it—probably before we talk about it. Probably everyone and even everything is cherishable and adorable.

**
IV. We practiced greeting my lover after an absence.
I can feel the old feeling if I choose. It felt like going back to the womb. Womb without a view. I struggled in the past not to feel loveless, ashamed, empty, and frightened.
But now I can feel lovelessness shape-shift to love. An unending love. The same for fear turning fearless since I had the courage to really face fear. And emptiness turns full as I glide, sail, in an unlimited free way in and with the emptiness. And shame turns proud to be able to feel so much shame without flinching too much.

**
And now I practiced being my young lover—who enjoys tempting me and saying no no no again and again and again to her Daddy friend sometimes lover.
But this time she had an experience of love with someone else. What will her daddy lover say, feel? And scarey, will he leave her and do the same. How frightening that he might at any time. Or she might too.
The old game might have to be played in a new way. Reliving again and again the abuse might finally enable us to no longer rneed to feel the shame, fear, lovelessnes and emptiness that abuse created. We must have continually needed to re-experience S.E.L.F.
in order to finally transform those feelings into their truer opposite. When we do this well we can feel an inaudible laughter at all times. And in appropriate situations quite audible laughter.
10-6-06

I found limitlessness. It feels like a blossoming from the center of my stomach and this blossoming can, like the big bang, keep expanding. Yum. It feels like it comes from the place under my diaphragm that my music teacher wanted me to sing from.

I don’t really have to do anything to feel limitless. In fact I can most feel it when I do nothing. When I close my eyes. When I lie down like a corpse. When I just allow my standing body to dance with small movements inspired by my breathing.
Even now, while typing, I can feel it. It helps to let momentum keep moving me.
When I try too hard (which means overriding my natural momentum) then I lose my feeling of infinity I become human, all too human.

I can lose my feeling of being part of this exploding big bang. Perhaps a better term, if woman had discovered it, would be the Big Blossom. We are one blooming blossoming—if we don’t get in the way of the petals. And remember to feel our sap.

And when I am in an unlimited zone I can feel the unending love from the earth supporting my feet and the unending love from the air giving me life with each breath. My unending love joins the earth and air’s unending love.

And the water in my body and blood—
feels part of the water in the oceans that ebbs and flows often with a beat. And the water in my body is part of the great cycle bringing rain to nourish all life and evaporating up to the clouds to rain again.

And the fire in each cell—digesting food—is part of the fire in the sun always burning to nourish life. The fire in my sex flow is part of the loving sun-fire creating life. My unending inner light is part of the unending outer light.

This love flows out as my body opens out. Out to you in my gestures, sounds, looks words.

10-27-06 I can play with movements when I interact with objects. When the colander did not come off its hook I can either lose the playful dance or incorporate the not coming off into my dance and keep trying/playing to get it off the hook.
So perhaps originally the journey toward helped us get to our destination. It might be we do less well attaining our goal when we abstract the goal from a joyful journey towards it. Then we get the artificial distinction between child and “adult.”
So surely the goal is primary and the joy is often the best way to attain our goal. So I might have to try the colander exercise again. Making sure I feel the sensuous joy and the dance as I successfully get the colander off the hook. Focused sensuous dance will make a much better dinner!!!

Exaggeration can sometimes help me recover the lost joy of an action.

In the Bhagavagita [“The Song of God”], Krishna says that when actions are devoted to God and they are a single minded focus on the duty, without focusing on consequence, we can experience the brilliance of thousands of suns.

This is very hard to make work for us now. For me it might be focused joy. Only when my sensual delight is focused on my duty to God, community, will the action explode into shining ecstasy. When I am picking you up at the airport, or buying a car, it really really matters to focus well on achieving my goal. HOW DOES ENJOYING THE DANCE TOWARDS MY GOAL HELP THIS? I still think if I don’t rush and enjoy the ride there to meet you it’ll be a way way way better meeting. By enjoying a focused dance reaching my goal can explode with delight!!!! So it is super important not to lose the goal and not to lose the sensual joy of getting to the goal. Focus on just one of these parts destroys the great balance of life.
11-8-06

Agenda: How to keep the spaciousness felt in meditation.
Expansion of ego to include other.
My “I” is within an unending field of space/time
with much spaciousness in the field.

1. Dancing with personalities of floor, sky, room people
or the gods, divinity, in them?

2. Dancing/playing with light?
You said we should from the center of our head.

3. How does singing relate to dancing?
Singing teacher said to feel a column of sound rising above our head. Is there anything like a small dance, (a quiet song) for singing. My neighbor says he can hear a primal sound in meditation. Maybe I am always making sounds.

4. Beating swords into plowshares.
The self-attacks or the temper tantrums or violent feelings towards body/self and others.
How to dance with these feelings, images?
11-17-06

1. Bend at the hips (rather than the neck) while reading and writing.

2. Even in martial arts our journey, our protection, our action, is more effiecient when we sense even enjoy the knife coming towards us as we successfully defend ourselves.

3. My head can balance on my neck by simply thinking of the balance.
I can play with it, a little play, until I experience the balance.

4. I can soften my jaw, move my thoat back (subtly)
and drop my chin.

5. I danced from my center and let my head go for a ride.

6. And I lead from my head and let my whole body follow.

7. Tips of forefingers on the back of my neck Push back gently. Sensually. Inhalation infuses with oxygen, movement, and spaciousness. Exhalation releases into stretch and touch.
12-2-06

We Dance with the Space

For some reason this is extra-ordinarily freeing for me.
Feeling the sensuousness of space or is it air?
Perhaps I am dancing with the air. My breath. The air in my room.

And of course there is a pulse to the air as I breathe it in and out. Feel it respond to me as I respond to it. Very hugging. Maternal. Ma! The primal mother? Or is it our father who art the air? Giving us life. Taking us out of our bodies. Expanding out with our breath.

While Mother—the earth is supporting. Always there. **

No longer do I need to be a deer in the headlights. Frozen in a stare when I am scared. No. Cause I’ve got air. So there. Bare air. Not just giving me life. I am involved. No passive recipient of life am I. No! No! I breathe. I inhale. I am an activist. I exhale. I contribute to the greater good. No other love have I than to give life to all the green plants—especially the trees. Here I am. The Jolly Green Giant. Doing my jolly part—exhaling.

But air does it’s part. Comforting. Nourishing. Always there. You can count on air.

**
But what about space? Isn’t space greater than air.
There’s no air in outer space. And there’s lots of space between the molecules of air. We’re moving in space. Just as air holds me—space seems to hold air. Hugs within hugs.

**

Einstein tells us that space is always married to time. Space-time is the dancing container holding and infusing all events.

We’re part of the space-time dance. We are part of events unfolding—like flowers blossoming. When we breathe, feet planted on the floor, feeling our body rooted in the floor/earth----we blossom in the air. Making sure arms help us unfold.

We’re all part of the Big Blossom that creates our universe. One could do worse than be a petal of the Big Blossom blossoming. Feel the expansiveness, our blossoming, as we exhale. Breathe in big blossoming energy when we inhale.

**
I was a deer in the headlights because I needed to freeze—protect myself like frozen food. You can’t eat me now. I’m frozen. Preserved. Only when space-time can be felt as safe can I dare to look, feel, discover hello dear air, dear space time, nice to meet you-finally.

**

And of course then I don’t have to “RELATE” to my world. I am related. Always was. I just have to unfreeze and discover there’s a dance going on—and I am part of the all-embracing space-time dance. When air, earth and space-time is our friend then
life has no end.
12-15-06

Patrick wanted me for years to feel energy rippling from the center of my body through my torso and head and legs and arms.

Today I feel this. Just let it rip from the place exposed by my fear of losing my job because students were encouraged to read about their sexual experiences.
I need to feel this sexual energy in me. Not to have students read about it.

So this raw place is revealed in me( my students read about sexual abuse, rape and sexual fantasies). And these energies do ripple through my torso, arms and even head and I can let it move my feet.

So finally instead of trying to make ripple movements I can let the rippling be.

And instead of trying so hard to move I can allow movements I can feel my own generator. Let it ripple.

PC: I am missing you, again, in your writing. Your writing seems like a outer shell you are hiding in. I would make it less "spiritual" writing and more personal - emotional with images.
12-30-06

Back to the Garden

God is found
in the ground--
so let’s flirt
with our dirt,
till we’re weeds--
spreading seeds--
loving earth--
giving birth.

**

Lifetime Homework

Can acts and words
play undeterred?

**

My gut is tight
when I feel fright.
Can it dance free
like bird and bee?

F. 2005 extracts

2009-12-25T08:13:00.000-08:00

Feb. 16 05 Love. We let our arms fall up and down with momentum. Added a little control at the beginning and end of the swing.
Instead of "control", we will call it "effort" or "our initation" or the "I". This was the soft extension out through the arm, even throught the fingers. There were many stages here. First holding them up and letting them go with no effort of extension. Then adding in some at both ends on the end of the upswing to keep the movement going. On the downswing, you release any effort - it is all just momentum doing it's thing.
We talked about love in my heart feeling the love in your heart and that turning into a we feeling of love.
Here we started in "motionless" love from our hearts. Then we added subtle movement from the small dance, the inside dance of the body creating small undulations from the heart. Then we took the small dance into full movment, not losing the love. The movement coming from love and love influencing the movement.We talked about intention/declaration/commitment/"holding"/faith/creation of the "space" for (or of) love. This is analogous to the witness, the adult, the feminine of creating a container, the male of creating a structure. There are going to be times when we lose the feeling of the love but we still have this "holding space" for love. The feeling of love is what comes through holding this space. Both are important. But we are living in "perfection land" if we think the feeling of love will always be there. M Scott Peck on love: "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth." I would go one step further and add to the end of this, "...without sacrificing either yourself or the other." - Not eloquently said by me but you get the point: if we nurture another and bypass our selves, it is not real love. If we nurture ourselves without nurturing other or the world, it is not real love.
** MK: I lost us when I got so excited about the feeling of love I started to just enjoy my own feeling of love and excitement.
PC: Yes, infant being.
We compare this to moving into a solo move but being aware we are being witnessed and being aware of our impact on our partner. **You asked me and us to be open to the elements of fire, water, air and earth.I felt them sometimes mingling as we moved together. **I felt scared when I got into a warrior poseMainly because you could hurt meOr mainly because I felt so vulnerable fixing myself in any pose. **You called intercoursal love the love that comes from us joining into the we and letting our movements and thoughts be entirely co-created by each other.
We talked of the many different relationships:*infant--witness: person is not aware he is being witnnessed*"mover"-witness/supporter: person is aware of witness/supporter and using witness to help develop their "inner witness" and their solo.*2 solos in a duet can turn to 2 "I"'s in a "we.”

**Shamanic Healing: 2-10-05

Protecting Sarah

1. Feel my screaming for her safety. Move with the scream. The scream exhausts me. Angers me. I hit the pillow. You should have called. I didn’t want you to go. Pow. Pow. Careful not to hurt my hands.

Let my whole body be moved by the scream.

Take the scream into my belly and heart.

Let my movement come from my belly and heart.

Whatever I experience allow it to have texture. What does the scream encounter: a plastic wall, slippery.

Banging on this plastic wall. Can’t get it.

2. Create a safe space for her. Become safe space. Breathe in air. Exhale it out from my heart with love. Send it to brazil. Inhale Sarah into a safe space. I breathe you into the safe air space. From the depths of my diaphragm. I breathe you in. Safe. You breathe this breath in safety.

Space space: I blow out all harmful things. I dance free for you in the safe. Hold my heart in happiness.

**

3-2-05

Love is the sternum or somewhere around there.

What I have thought was the flow of God going through me
can also be understood as my body radiating love, divinity, fun, altered state.

By being in touch with my body
I can feel that my body is I.

I might have thought this radiating energy came from somewhere else.
But this is only because I was far far away from my body.

**
Our natural state is to be super-natural
as nature herself is.
Our body is always becoming
more than our body was.
Bubbling out of my body is my body--
Oozing out of the pores.
springing out of my eyes.
bouncing out of my legs.
My body is always more than my body.
My body, our body, is always being resurrected.
**
Breath from my sexual center
This breath from my center is the stuff out of which words are made.
Words are made out of sexual breath.

If only I had remembered to
feel sexual energy meeting these cold kinky keys.

PC: With the body becoming the Body includes a secret of seduction and sexual energy: that when we come from a postive, affirming, loving perspective of the physical tissues when warming-up or embodiment work (coming-into-the-body work), it is attractive and we do not need someone else to fulfill ourselves. Our body becomes a magnet that we are enjoying. We have something to offer. Rather than needing some other to complete us.We talked about how having the warm-up seemlessly go into dancing can be useful. When we invest into our our body and self in warm-up mode, quite developmentally we will get to the stage where we are simply dancing without forcing it.

**

3-9-05

Agenda:

1. How would I move differently once I understood in my body that divinity is male and female?

2. what is the best way to be with my beloved friend Sarah? I’d love to be lovers but she has never really wanted that with me or her previous companion. Some in some very real sense I do not want to be lovers with who she is.
Is there a way to play without being attached to outcome? A way to touch? Kiss? Carress? In the past she seems to mostly want just holding. Should I just stay with that? What about my authentic movements when we are together? Do them? Move at a distance? Do them symbolically—such as feel my lips kissing hers as we chat about this and that? Can I move like a homeopathic remedy? Just a tiny movment to embody the act of lovemaking whether from near or far away? Can I and others do this with everyone—even ourselves. Homeopathic self love?

We decided to call what you call “the center” the “organizing gang” or “OG.”
The word ‘center” tho might include what the buddhists call “nothing.”
I wonder if all our physical parts include nothing?
Yes. I can feel nothing in the pit of my stomach.
Perhaps this feeling of nothing is what you mean when you say “center.”

It feels even richer to type from this center--this pit of my stomach. And of course have the OG join in.

This Og including nothing can radiate love. Each of these parts are loving one another and together they can create a symphony of love.
But even tho I can feel this love dance I must also remember to pay attention to the physical components of this love.

**

Perhaps what we can “I” or “self” is an organizing gang of our physical and sensual and emotional and mental and spiritual parts or events.

Perhaps the witness to these words I am typing is also, if we look carefully, an Og.
The OG can both do and watch.

**

I need to practice saying “yes” and “no” from my Og.
Find at least a hint of “No” in Yes.
And at least a hint of “yes” in “No.”

The OG can open to all the parts of my body and as I expand my OG can invite and even include the floor, gravity, momentum.

My homework is to pick up things and even type with my Og.

And remember love might be there even when I don’t focus on love.

**

Thanks for revealing to me that the brain is an organ that can dance.

Is it dancing now as I write this to you?

Are you dancing with your brain as you read this?

I’m sure you are, even if you are not.

**

3-19-05

You helped me out of my dead man torso (lots of luck) by asking me to intentionally twist and spiral. Contortions are fun even when they are graceful.

**

You asked me to feel the emotions, sensations and images when I move. I imagined a castrated cave man.

To rectify this appalling situation I imagined my entrie body was a penis.

**

You gave me permission to open and close my eyes as long as my brain continued to be an organ dancing. It is even bobbing a bit as I type this.

**

I then let myself be moved by the emotions other organs are feeling. Heart feels O.K.
So it can sway around like a clown.

**
But this emotional stuff can be dangerous. I have to remember to get back to my tissues from time to time to time.
How are you doing tissues? Need a tissue. Har har.

**
Must, if I’d like to, receive fully what I am doing. What does the movement of typing make me feel? Like I’d like to dance with my fingers on the key board as I am doing now. I can then respond to what I am doing by dancing with my torso while my fingers dance with the keyboard.

**
Just let all those images, feelings, sensations and responses join the dance.

**
martial arts punch at a 45 degree angle. Legs can move first. Puch forward and sink.
Weight can be evenly between my feet after I follow through with my hit.

PC: One of your life long homework assignments is to feel a movement (however subtle) of your OG when you touch anything. Another way to name your #1 LLHWA (Life long homework assignment), is that you always have a small dance of your OG and your heart and your head with everything you touch. The other LLHWA is: feel that your feet and legs' connection with the earth is supporting and doing all of your touching (at least in standing) through the other parts of your body that are in contact with the object of your touch.
3-25-09
We do a Small dance. Just stand and don’t fall over. So sweet to feel my body swaying like the wind or like a lake lapping at the shores.

Let go of as much tension as possible. Go with the wind of my breath.

Let the samll dance take me into momentum.
Small steps to keep up. Each step does feel like the floor and I are caressing each other. I am like a water fall that keeps falling until I am splashing water that rises into steam.

My head joins in. Makes me a little dizzy which feels intoxicating. I am swimming in air like a bird. And I get high. Drunk on air as my head floats around an down and swoops up.

And of course I can’t forget my Og and my backside. Very sensual. A canny dance. Can can. All sweet juice that makes me feel as sensuous as a tree with apples bouncing around as I become vertical to the ground only to sweep down again, after a pause, to be a weeping willow with my hair closer to the ground.

I can let my sweet breath, it tastes as sweet as honey, move me. I can add a little movement from my heart which sighs with love as I twist for some zingy taste like lemons.

I can imagine dancing with a friend and my heart exploding out of my chest to dance more closely with their heart. Or holding them heart to heart as we move down and up and lower and higher—heads drinking each other in like wine getting us higher and higher as we swing lower and lower.

I can now take a clear action without losing all these pysical sensations. A tango step. Hip to hip.

**
we studied a little anatomy. The rib basket (made of 12 ribs) can swing as we walk to a picnic with grandma’s goodies all ready for eating in our rib basket. We might take a taste as we move towards the forest.

Feel our hip make a 360 in our hip socket. We can turn around to see the town. Feel how sacred the sacrum is. How happy it is to flirt with the pelvis. The cervical bones watch it all and then join in nodding with approval until the head falls down trying to kiss the sacrum as we move on.
4-27-05

PC: Feel the stillness arising from your aware surrender to gravity. Gravity holds you up so that stillness is an equilibrium between two movements.
Without moving feel yourself being pulled down to the earth and bounced up to the sky. Stillness is now the enduring love between the earth and you.
Embraced by the earth, in stillness you are lovingly poised for infinite actions. In stillness you can begin to join the small dance of your body created by your breathing.
The way there is play in a rope loosely held between earth and sky--enjoy the play, night and day.

4-29-05 We Have What We Want

MK: I’d like to feel more present, more centered.

PC: When you direct yourself with your head, you forget that your body has its own knowledge. You have what you want. Wiggle your pelvic area, wriggle your heart, wriggle your head and they’ll find their way to be aligned and centered.
If you want something, assume you have it. And then feel it by receiving it.
If you want something try to do the opposite. If you want to have your head connected to your body, try to move in a disconnected head/body way.
If you want to be more sensuous, try to be

**
Another Lifelong Lesson an “LLL:”
Keep momentum going past the point it feels comfortable. Allow your body to take you to places you’ve never been.
May 4 05 Experiencing God

PC: Lie down in a corpse pose, feel the sensations and relax to gravity. Use only a thin book under your head. When you stand your head is not over the center of your body. It’s juts forward. You can begin to change that my allowing your chest and heart to move forward. You’ll need then to move your chin down.
Scan your body when you lie down. Relax your throat, tongue, teeth. Relax the back of your mouth. Relax down the back of your throat. Imagine your thyroid relax.

When you use the word “God” it is dangerous for you. You leave yourself and everyone else and take a spiritual by-pass into the disembodied presence of God.
This loving playful presence you are talking about only
will remain if you feel the physical forces that helped create this presence. Never forget to feel that the presence of this physical tree felt by a physical you is dancing with the presence of the river felt by a physical you. And if you are typing these words to me, I hope you feel a physical you typing words to my physical eyes and mind. I know you probably don’t do that yet. But you are young.

**

It’s a very hard habit to break of saying words without first feeling your own body. This is why I only let you give me an agenda if you are dancing while talking.

**

Only when you remember that God is physical and this Presence you call God is dancing with a very physical you, then and only then can you safely use the word “God” to describe the dancing field of physical presences that we are all part of. The one God is infinite because the one God is made up of an infinite number of dancing parts.

**

An Imaginative Body 5-18-05

PC: Imagine each breath lengthening your throat. Imagination with breath can produce micromovements in your throat.
Imagine the pulse from your nourishing blood expanding your throat pulse by pulse.

**
MK: I can feel some warmth in my upper chest and in my throat.

PC: Imagine this warmth warming into a little sun- beam. A nourishing sunbeam in your upper chest and throat.

MK: What warming words I could say?

PC: Make sure you are breathing in warmth from your sexual center, from the legs supporting your sexual center, and from your heart. Imagine a sexual animal coming from your feet, center, heart. This animal can play with your rib basket and your collar bone. You are this animal. Your shoulder blade and collar bone make a socket for your arms. Feel your arms are like front paws turning in their socket.

MK: Grr. Grr. Meow. Moew.

**
PC: Let the heart of this animal pull open the refrigerator door. Let your heart and whole body be greedy for supper, not just your eyes. Your eyes can take in the room before focusing on the leftover spaghetti. Let the warmth of this animal emanate out of your throat before words, before thought.

MK: Yum.

*
PC: Let your head naturally move back whenever your heart and throat expand out. At first your chin can go up. Just keep your heart and throat out as your chin eventually comes down to see.

MK: I can see that our images (that we can let our breath breathe into) can make micro changes in our body. These images with our breath can plant picture-seeds that can grow into more powerful forces. Feel a little light in a part of our body and it can grow into a sunbeam. We can imagine what we would like, breathe into what we imagine, and this can help make real what we imagine.

PC: Now you have to learn to have better posture while praying and while doing everything else. Your pelvis needs to tilt foreward while your head is balancing on top of your throat.

MK: Can I do this by pushing my backside back?

PC: Feel the sexual juice in your ass as it moves back.

MK: Joining the love in my heart as it pushes foreward.

PC: You’ll need to practice sexually loving when you walk, sit, read or write.

MK: It might be too hard to change this old habit quickly.

PC: You’ll be surprised. Soon your body will naturally want to be in alignment. Practicing good alignment will encourage your unaligned ways to leave like old skin.

MK: Thanks for the new skin and bones.

PC: Allow your heart to move forward, your head to go down, your ass to go back and your sexual love to juice through your words as you thank me.
**

A Juicy God In An Empty Space 5-26-05

MK: I'd love to learn to dance with big movements.

PC: All movement, even gigantic ones, is subtle. Lie on your back and feeling the teeming, undulating tiny movements in your body. Move with them. They can be a squiggle, a breath, a stretch. Feel how juicy they are. You can juice yourself subtly. Enjoying the juice you feel inside. Squeezing it out subtly. You can make love with yourself whenever you desire. Feel the juice. Connect it with your breath.

MK: Bye bye lonliness.

Grace: Turn from side to side and on your front. Keep feeling the subtle teeming. Your entire body is one animal. Feel the integrated animal. The subtle movement in your toe can be felt and responded to by your ear.
When your arms reach up they can help your torso rise. Reach up with your arms to move your body to stand. Now just one foot at a time slowly move foreward letting your arms inspire your heart and torso to move.
Your arms can move out as large as they can be--spreading blessings from your heart.
When you open up your empty spaces you invite a juicy God to come in.

6-1-05 MK: I’d love to learn to make big movements while dancing and living.

PC: Start from your legs. Keep a low center, relaxed torso, have your throat rise out of your torso, chest out. Feel or image sunlight emanating from your throat. Chin first goes up and then comes down.

MK: With all these instructions I’ll never move again.

PC: Try walking. Feel the weight of your foot pour into the ground. And feel the sweet suspension of your foot in the air as it takes a step.

MK: Walking is fun.

PC: Now feel the teeming of different emotions and motions in your chest.
Your breath can move with the teeming, wake up the teeming or reveal the teeming.
You can juice your body. Feel the air hug you outside, and inside from your breath. The air can squeeze the sensual, sexual, spiritual juice out of you.

MK: It feels like masturbation this self-juicing.

PC: When you can juice yourself you’ll be able to give juice to the people, near and far, that you juice.

MK: I once had a lover who screamed at me while we were dancing: where’s the juice?

PC: Well, now you know where the juice is.
Keep those shoulder blades down. It let’s your heart go forward. And arms held to the side about the same level as your heart can feel like your blessing people.

MK: I do feel a new sweetness in my heart.

PC: It comes from the floor, the ground. But it can also come from the sky and air. You can be a channel for the blessing energies of earth and air. But don’t just focus on this feeling and by-pass what is going on in your body.

MK: It feels like I could give embodied blessings while dancing, chatting and hopefully even writing.

PC: Can you feel when you are writing who you are writing to? Can you dance with your reader’s body? It’s a typing dance. The keys you hit with your body, heart, mind and spirit are touching, caressing, playing with their body, heart, mind and spirit.

MK: Of course I have to first feel I am typing not just with my fingers and mind--that my heart is also moving me to hit the keys. Perhaps only after I learn this can I begin to feel the physical presence of people I am writing too. Could typing words on a page feel like making love from afar?

PC: First feel like you are making love with your own body and self. That should keep you busy for awhile.

Only after you are loving your physical self can you begin to focus on loving the body and person you are writing to. A photo of the person you are writing to might help. Or a picture in your mind of their body or face. Once you sense them, there are three ways to interact with them. Let’s try three ways of dancing that might help.

First let’s dance solo for awhile even though we are in the same room.

Second, lets allow the other person’s dance to influence our solo. But don’t lose the feeling that you are always aware of your own body’s dancing.

MK: I do feel a sense of myself that I could lose when I allow your movements to influence mine.

PC: Good. Now we can open ourselves up to the possibility of union. When we allow ourselves to interact with our partner, when we are blessed, we can feel the dance is moving us. We were two bodies dancing, but now we have given birth to a new union. Another way of saying it is we have bonded.

MK: For me this union can feel like a fiery bond. It feels like our inner light and inner fire burns and shines together.

PC: In this bond or union we can at times have no sense of ourselves at all. We can let go of all forms. Feel the empty space we mostly are. At other times we can still sense ourselves even though the union is doing the moving.

MK: Oh you can’t scare me I’m stickin’ to the union, I’m stickin’ to the union, I’m stickin’ to the union. Oh you can’t scare me I’m stickin’ to the union, til the day I die.

PC: People often try to hold onto the union after it naturally dies. Soloing well out of and into new unions is as important as unions.

MK: So a better ending to the song is: I’m stickin’ to the union til the moment it dies.

PC: And then we can again solo, together or apart, until new unions arise.

MK: And this kind of soloing and union never dies.

PC: Not even when we die.

MK: Not even when we die?

PC: Not even when we die.
6-21-05

PC: Don’t forget to really feel the juicing that can happen between your body and your partners body or between you and the air or you and the floor. Feel the juice, brother. Wood had water in it. And it can be subtle juicing. You don’t have to go through big movements to juice. Just feeling a little squeeze as you breathe air, touch bodies, touch the floor.
6-25-05

PC: When we enjoy our mIstakes they become graceful. When we begin to enjoy them we begIn to feel the true nature of them and the true nature of anything is graceful.

MK: O.K. I’m goIng to make a mistake. I can do them without trying. Oh oh. I can’t seem to naturally make a mistake.

PC: As soon as you forget about making mistakes, don’t worry, you’ll make them. Try swinging wIth the rhythm of momentum. Then get to the arc of suspension then fall out of suspension and then rise into new suspensIon.

MK: I can do it just feeling the physIcal force of momentum.
But it’s even more fun when I can feel how sensual, sexual and spiritual these movements are.

PC: Sex is momentum. When you feel momentum its sex. It’s a question of degree between physical and sensual and sexual and spiritual. But don’t lose the physIcal when you get into sex and spirit. Now do this rising into suspension and out of suspension on all three levels: standing, crouching and lying on the ground. Get those feet to arc out into their own suspension.

**

MK: How about Yoga?

PC: All of yoga is slow or still dance.

PC: When you moving, honoring and enjoying your momentum, even If it Is painful, you are moving with God.
When you then are moving with, honoring and enjoying the momentum of others you are dancing with the God in them.
7-12-05

MK: I am kneeling before my computer on my kitchen floor.

PC: Can you feel like your fingers and torso and head and words are dancing while you are writing?

MK: Sounds like fun.

PC: (Picks up a tiny piece of lettuce) Did you clean this kitchen floor

MK: Yes.
I want to feel I am writing these words to you Patrick.
[I look at him.]

Dear Patrick,
I am writing this while talking these words to you.
I feel like a child.
Because I am trying to dance, it feels like some part of my brain has gone to sleep. All that energy that went into my head is now diffusing into my fingers and body.
It is so much more fun not to be thinking very much.
I can even feel your heart with my heart.
When I move my heart back I can feel it moves your heart to react-- even if it is not true.
I see a tree outside the window swaying in the summer breeze.
Both of our hearts are swaying as we breathe:
Because as you said a small dance of our heart is happening all the time.
The tree is joining us in the dance.
It’s swaying in the breeze might have inspired us-- but we didn’t know it.

PC: Are you and I two bodies or are we one?

MK: Now that you asked I think we can be one.

PC: Imagine that your reader asks: why are you writing a letter to Patrick when he is right here.

MK: I need to learn to write words to people instead of the words just coming out of my head.

PC: What picture comes to you now?

MK: Humpty Dumpty on the wall.

PC: Our work is about realizing all the different pieces of coming alive and putting them all together?
Feel the different parts of you: feel your pelvis, your head as two weights two luscious undulating weights on the end of this luscious spiralling spine.

MK: It becomes more luscious when I feel the chemistry between us.

PC: You’re too literal again. You can find pictures, scenes, to enter any time you like. The images will have a life of their own. What’s happening to Humpty Dumpty now?

MK: He’s holding the two pieces of his broken heart.

PC: Listen to the hurt pieces of your heart. Move to to them. What to you imagine now?

MK: Humpty is clanging the two pieces of broken heart together like cymbals.

PC: What is the sound of a broken heart clapping?

MK: Pain sounds like fun as long as we can dance to it.
8-05 Self and no-self

No self precedes self:
We are born, as William James says, into one big blooming confusion.
There are just these interesting sensations around.
Eventually we’ll see, feel hear, touch, smell, taste them.
We might even turn these sensations into arms and legs and breasts.
And even say eventually that this is my arm but that’s your leg and alas your breast-- not mine.
People that are born blind and then get sight in later life see all these colors and have to learn how to divide the world that way we sighted people have decided to.
Most of us can eventually get a sense this is my body and and whatever is out there is not my body—it’s your body or a rock or a tree or a pin point of light we call a star. Of course our minds contribute a lot to calling the trunk and roughness and spread of bracnhes and leaves and dirt-- a tree in the ground.
But this is just a helpful way of looking at our experience.
A very helpful way to be sure.
Things get pretty confusing when someone thinks that your breast belongs to them.
William James writes that after we are born into A BLOOMING CONFUSION, WOE TO THOSE WHO DON’T MAKE THE PROPER DISTINCTIONS.

**

My dance teacher and I danced with the feeling of no-body.
It feels like whatever is in the room can go right through me.
That I am made out of space (which is mostly true—since all our atoms are mostly space). I wonder if most people, with eyes closed, can feel they are transparent. I first had this feeling when I was lieing on a trunk of a tree and my friend started to massage me. I felt like I just blended with the tree.

**

My teacher then says: “now feel your body and dance.”
It feels like a different way of focus.
I can focus on the space that my body is made
Or I can focus on my gut that seems to be getting a little fatter after eating cheese for lunch for a week.
**
And then my teacher tells me to go back and forth: no body to body to no body to body.
How freeing to know that I can just feel part of the energy field or things or people around me. No wonder it can feel so freeing to simply be part of a group or a crowd or the acting class I attended for three weeks or the dance camp I was part of for 11 days. When I didn’t like me I just jumped in the lake, lay on the dock and felt part of the whole loving camp Who needs me? Especially when I felt confused after making love to my friend.

**

My dance teacher then tells me to “dance with self and then with no self.”
Where in our body do we feel our self?
My self feels like a cornucopia of energies that come from the center of my body and expand like an aura out of my body.
It seems to like to travel.
Where it ends nobody knows.

Not so easy to be myself when I bump into your self.
It might help to close my eyes so I can feel myself without letting your body and self confuse me.
So much more comforting if I go into no self and just blend.
Nice sweet sexy sensations from closing my eyes and petting the cat.
Just furry purring.
And then I can go back to focusing on self and these sweet sexy sensations can be mine—even when the cat moves away I can still feel them.

**
My teacher then tells me to “focus on cyclical and progress”.
Focusing on cycles I just enjoy whatever movements come without trying to build anything out of them. Just swaying, falling, rising, twirling.
I was happy to keep repeating these movements.
*
Focusing on progress I can build structures out of movements.
One, two, three, kick
Or I can make a bridge for a dancer to lean on.

**

A CRUCIAL QUESTION IS THE RELATION OF NO-SELF TO SELF.
Both are needed. No-self gives birth to self
so self can shape and co-create, with no-self.
Perhaps one of the purposes of life is to be an artist.
Let the rich undifferentiated world flow through us so we can shape it
into a . . . poem, dance, picture, prayer.

**
We could say that everything in the universe gives birth to us
so we can help re-create everything in the universe.
A fair trade.
Thanks for life Universe,
I’ll do all I can to repay the gift.
Every movement and thought and feeling and action
can be a prayer to thank our world and work to sustain it
and help it flourish.
It feels fun to be dancing with our world and universe
Especially when we can be continually fueled
when we go into no-self by the universe.

**
We could call the energy field that includes everything in the universe, “God” or “Buddha nature” or The Force or so many many other words.
And there are so many ways of experiencing this field that gives birth to us: dancing, meditating, working, praying, playing, singing, dreaming, loving, lovemaking, hugging, snuggling, other ecstasies and even thinking. Perhaps when we focus on anything, even on our breath or a tree, we can leave the boundaries of ourselves and feel the boundless field. One woman writer, Simone Weil, defined prayer as “total attention.” I find if I focus on opening into no-self when I pray I can often feel dissolved or that the world can go right through me.

So the question isn’t whether God exists or not. It’s really how can we experience and feel part of this boundless field or this dance of life or whatever else we’d like to call it. And then we need to practice how to join, tap into, fuse with, be energized by, guided by, tranformed by this whatever you call it? Fortunately all we need to do is be our no-self and then our self and keep this dance of self and no self going and growing.

**

And then of course back to our self to co-create whatever we are co-creating—like a good dinner for our friends. And then WHENEVER WE GET THE TIME WE CAN dissolve back into the no-self God OR bUDDHA world to recharge.

8-25-05

Authentic Movement Yoga

General Principals

1. symmetry, alignment.
2. breathing into cells

Inviting energy into our body, mind and spirit.

Yoga poses are a container for energy to come in.
A psychic process.

We can breathe into tissues we are stretching.
We can even breathe into our sensations

We can infuse our awareness with our breath.
We can infuse our movement with our breath.
We can breath into how we are approaching our self:
Breathe into our thoughts.

In every position we can find a “small dance” that our breath and body are making.
This small dance if we allow it can turn into a subtle movement. For example, we can discover a wiggle or bounce when we move or we can discover just what each breath does to our body.

It’s possible to discover one new thing each time we do our pose.
Or try out one new thing.

When we transition slowly in and out of our poses we can discover small dances and subtle movements.
9-28-05 Coming Attractions
MK: I think I’ve discovered after all these years that my body can radiate love from inside.

PC: Do these words come from your radiating love.

MK: Nope.

PC: So shut up [Patrick puts my hand on my heart]
and move your torso and all your limbs and head from your heart.

[I slowly hug Patrick]

PC: You don’t have to be so overt when you love. Even you can learn to be subtle. Move with love without touching me.

[I open my arms with hugs as I dance around Patrick.]

PC: Leave me out of this. Love your own torso, limbs, head, and then try loving the air, floor and walls and ceiling.

[I rub my arms over my heart. Presses my thighs and ankles together. I must looks like I am pleasuring myself. I then walk around the room letting the air make a loving sound as I inhale and exhale. I then press my heart against walls and floor and press my torso up from the floor to the ceiling.]

PC: You’re love is so so controlled and contained. Let it out.

[I raise my middle finger and says: Love YOU! [As I grab Patrcik and twirl him around the room.]

PC: O.K. Enough.

MK: I’ve also discovered light shining from within.

PC: I don’t even need to ask if the light is moving your words. [Patrick puts my hands over my lips]. So let this inner light move your torso, and limbs and head.

[I stay planted like a tree and open my chest, groin, thighs, toes, arms, fingers mouth and eyes like leaves opening to the sun.]

PC: You’re not just a tree. You’re a person. So move with light.

[I move slowly around the room like a walking tree.]

PC: The speed of light is 186,000 miles a second. Don’t you think light would make you move a little faster?

[I allow myself to be taken over by the light and start moving frenetically.]

PC: Enough masturbatory frenzy.

MK: I’ve also discovered awareness within. And I am allowing this awareness to speak. So there.

PC: Awareness is not just for yourself, my unaware friend. [Patrick takes my hands and moves them over the floor and walls and into the air and then just holds my hands.] So move with awareness from torso, limbs and head.

[I sway from side to side.]

PC: Now start undulating from that sway. Feel the waves of the ocean move you—from inside as well as outside.

MK: I feel like a wave.

PC: You’re not a wave. You’re a man feeling waves within. Now, Man, start spiralling to the floor.

[I start spiralling]

PC: Pay special attention to the time when it is difficult to keep spiralling down. Those transition times can be the most interesting. It took me a while to learn that I can move turn my foot as I spiral.
Remember you are not a 2 dimensional man. Spiral and undulate in three dimensions.
[I look like I am swimming down to the floor and swimming on the floor.]

MK: The floor and my body feel nice as we caress each other.

PC: Don’t stop swimming while you talk. Words are expressions of your body. Don’t kill your body when you speak.

MK: [Jiggling my body.] I feel all this energy inside.

PC: So move from your torso, limbs and head with the energy you feel within.

[I make large movements around the room while shaking myself.]

PC: Well, it’s about time we got some energy out of you. Now it is time to discover how energy, light, love and awareness can change into one another.
So start dancing and move from energy, light, love and awareness until they are all present moving you at the same time.

MK: [As I move I chant] Energy, Light, Awareness, Love: each one’s all of the above.

P [screams]: BUT ENERGY, LIGHT, AWARENESS AND LOVE ARE ONLY COMING ATTRACTIONS FOR DANCING OR LIVING.
THESE WORDS ARE STILL ABSTRACTIONS IN YOUR HEAD.
IT IS TIME TO STOP HIDING INSIDE AND MOVE OUT INTO THE WORLD.

[Patrick grabs my hand] Don’t just see my hand attached to your arm. Use your inner light to be aware and love and energetically feel my hand inside your body.

[I move Patrick’s hand close to my eyes.]

PC: Stop leading me. You can feel and see and be aware of my hand inside you even if it is on the other side of this room. So feel my hand, and the rest of my body attached to it, inside yourself as we dance from afar.

MK: Feels a bit intimate.

PC: What do you think dancing is. If it gets too intimate you can always focus on the outside of our dance. All insides have an outside. That’s why all those interior feelings, of love, awareness, energy and light are coming attractions to life. After you take my hand inside you and get to feel and know it, THEN you’ll be able to take my hand and dance.

[I move by myself for a few minutes feeling Patrick’s body with the inner light, awareness, love and light inside mine.
I then take Patrick’s hand and begin to move him around the floor.

PC: Don’t lead me. You hide by leading. Find the dance totally inside yourself.

[I do more dancing by myself. Patrick then touches my hand and without either of us leading, we dance.]

In sum, Yoga is a dance, each position invites energy into our body, feelings, and mind.

10-4-05

Mike: I’d love to learn how to dance so that I moving with God. “Giddy” comes from the same root as “God.” so you have to teach also teach me how to move giddy. I’d also love to get power and heart into these moves.

Pat: Let’s just warm up. Discover new moves your body wants to make. If you’re not surprised by how you move—you’re dead.
Now find new emotions as you surprise yourself with new moves.

Mike: I’ve been feeling this sadness ever since I came home from dance camp. I greeted a boss with a huge hello and hug and then felt sad.

Pat: Let the sadness move you. And if it turns to anger let the anger move you.

Mike: It feels so freeing to just let these emotions out and move with them.

Pat: Don’t mimic my emotions. Don’t switch to happiness just because I’m dancing happy. You have your very own emotions and don’t need to piggy back on mine.

Mike: It does feel freer to stay in growling anger and then jump into sadness or happiness when I want to.

Pat: When we interact you can be 90% in yourself and just 10% in the interaction. Or 90% in the interaction and 10% in yourself. And you can switch back and forth.

Mike: This is so freeing again. I don’t have to try so hard to keep interacting. I can go back to myself. And then back to interacting.
Now I feel so so so so sad. All my life trying to interact, trying to respect people.

Pat: If you just let it happen, you don’t have to try so much. People who let it happen don’t need to cover up the absence of true interaction with trying.

Oct 13 2005

M: I’d like to learn how to dance with God.

P: Why?

M: I talk about God enough.

P: How do you feel when you hear the word God?

M: Sad. The word “God” feels so abstract.

P: Why?

M: I feel that the word “God” takes me away from things I can see and hear and touch.

P: Let that sadness about God move your body.

M: [One hand starts pounding my chest.]

P: What’s going on?

M: Maybe I’m trying to open my heart. Bam. Bam. Open sesame.

P: Do you feel that’s an effective way to open anyone’s heart?

M: [Still Pounding.] Ouch. Maybe I’m angry at my heart for not opening. Sad. Closed heart. How could I ever say the word “God” with a closed heart? No wonder the word “God” makes me sad.

P: It reveals your closed heart.

M: [ I make a big pound] Yes. [I start to cry.]

P: Maybe you are angry you have a heart that can love. It takes away power from your brain.

M: I’d love them to work together.

P: Let your heart and brain dance together—but don’t have either of them lead.

M: [I start swaying back and forth. Both heart and brain moving the sway. Then my heart takes over and reaches for the ceiling while my brain falls backward. And then the brain twists my body clockwise and my heart follows.] I can feel what it’s like now for both brain and heart to dance together.

P: Let other parts of your body join the dance.

M: [I balance on my butt. I feel like I want to fly to the sky. But I cannot. My body limits me. We are not in a space station where gravity would let me float. It feels like some pull from the sky through my skylight is stretching my neck up. My hands follow. But I can’t let myself be pulled through the skylight. I am not Alice in Wonderland. And then I want to just fall down. But I am afraid to fall down. I have to fall slowly or I would hurt myself. Perhaps a good dancer would know how to fall.] All these moves do feel so real, they feel special, sacred, some power, some energy is moving me from inside and outside me.

P: Shut up and keep moving.

M: [My little finger starts moving towards my chest.] I remember what you said that if we’re not surprised when we move, we’re dead.

P: You’d be more surprised if you stop commenting on every surprise. Give the surprise a chance to build.

M: [My feet buckle. I fall down slowly. Then one foot springs up.] Can I talk now?

P: As long as you keep moving.

M: [I continue to let my body circle, twist and spiral in surprising ways as I speak.] When I feel that all these physical forces moving me outside or inside are from God then I don’t resist these forces. Thanks, Forces, for spiraling me down to the ground and then bouncing me up. Feeling these forces are God--since God is everything, God is surely these forces too--helps me to respect and cherish them.

P: Let’s see if you can dance with me with the same respectful attitude?

M: Theoretically I know that the energy coming from you is also God, but practically your energy confuses me by taking me out of my movements.

P: Then don’t leave your body when you begin to look at mine. Stop running away from yourself in order to find God or me. God is the surprising energy moving from inside and the surprising energy coming to you from outside. Don’t control God, for God-sakes. Let whatever is happening between us also surprise you.

M: Is it like the Holy Spirit? A third entity here between us, like a child we make with our energies.

P: It is what it is. More than you can understand with your mind. And don’t try to lead it.

M: I need to understand things, step by step. I’m a teacher.

P: If you want to talk about taking steps, then start walking now—step by step.

M: [I talk as I walk.] Am I right to feel that the floor supporting me is God and the movement of my diaphragm as I breathe air in and out is God?

P: And the air too. As long as these are bodily sensations-- not just thought--you might be right.
Can you dance with me now?

M: It’s easier with my eyes closed. As long as I remember to focus 99% on myself I can stay centered.

P: Now can you take one step while peeking at me.

M: If I remember you’re a messenger from God it might make it easier. [I peek at Pat.]

P: Don’t get lost in your head or your eyes. Do you feel that the hands you are peeking through are also messengers from God?

M: Why not?

**

10-20-05

Mike: I feel sad in my eyes talking with you.

Pat: Undulate your torso as we speak.

Mike: Wow. My eyes feel connected to my torso now and I feel almost no sadness.

Pat: Your “wow’s could include me when you say them, but they don’t. Your head feels this ecstasy and leaves me out. Why don’t you just stay making your undulations and open up your our limbs and head to feel, move and respond to the undulations.

Mike: Let me try saying “Wow” to include you while I am undulating.

Pat: O.K.

Mike: [This time my eyes do not stray from Pat. As my body makes small undulations I quietly say] Wow.

**

11-05

More Lovemaking Thru Dance

Pat: These are the key words: Primal, Playful, Trickster, Enjoying the Physical, and Honoring the Spirit.

Lets’ begin with yawning. Yawn.

Mike: I didn’t realize I could yawn at will. [I keep yawning.]

Pat: Let the yawn stretch thru your body. Lay on all four sides and stretch. Momentum has an ebb and flow. Let the end move into a new momentum. Don’t cut off momentum.

Mike: When I do, there’s too much effort.

Pat: Add the floor as a contributor to your movement.

Mike: So the floor is joining my dance. I can feel it giving umff, substance to my moves.

Pat: And a definition and a structure. You are not dancing simply in air.
Now see if you can feel simple animal emotions arising from your moving with momentum. For example: what emotions arise in you when you stretch with a yawn?

Mike: Perhaps an awe or wonder or even curiosity.

Pat: Focus on other parts of your body as you continue to move with momentum. Allow sounds to come from your movements if they come. What emotions do you sense?

Mike: From my backside I can say UNHHHHHHHH.

Pat: Is there an emotion you can discover in the UNHHHHHH?

Mike: A rough pleasure and a desire for more rough pleasure if that’s an emotion?

Pat: You can call it desire. Without losing the physical momentum from your backside, let the desire you feel also influence your movement.

Mike: [Grabs Pat’s cheek.]

Pat: Make sure your agression is playful. Enjoy your desire-moves and check in to see if I am enjoying them. Start slow and stay away from my windpipe.

Mike: Can we wrestle?

Pat: Wrestling with the promise that there’ll be no sex might help us feel sexier.

[They wrestle and rest.]

Pat: Sex too—ebb and flow. And ebb’s are often a good time to ask your partner what they want.

Mike: What do you want?

Pat: For you to write a little poem about what we learned today.

Mike: Better Sex Through Dance

When we move from momentum
animal feelings arise
Revealing superstardom
Hiding in our thighs.
11-8-05

BETTER SEX THRU DANCE

Make Love Not War

Pat: Let’s learn love from martial arts.
Be centered as we move a foot forward. Extend that foot from our torso. Aim our feet toward the target.

Mike: This is supposed to be about lovemaking.

Pat: We’ve got to be centeed in our body before we are attentive our partner.

Mike: But can’t I be centered without attacking my partner.

Pat: Love and playful aggression are closer than you think.
These are pitfalls to making love:
1. Don’t be a baby. Not even an aggressive baby.
(i.e don’t be assertive with your need.)
But do be assertive with your entire body and self.
[Pat grabs my shirt. Looks me straight in the eye.]
Lead, give up the lead and be attentive to take the lead.
Take the lead back anytime.
You can be leading, your partner can be leading and the lovemaking can be leading.

Seductive touch is light.
Don’t forget to ask what feels good.
Touch is directed to your partner’s sexual center from sexual center.

**
11-15-05 From Sadism to Play in One Painful Step

Pat: Sadism happens when you are afraid to be feeling and playing.
Feel the humor, lightness in your body, mind when you move, dance.

Mike; If I just lightly focus on my body and self when I move
I can feel the light humor. What is this humor?

Pat: It is feeling the deliciousness of having a body.
And the deliciousness of breathing. Which involves the deliciousness of our torso moving when we breathe even if the rest of us is not moving very much. You tell me why relating to our body in a fun, playful, light, bouncy way is also a humorous way.

Mike: Well, humor used to be a fluid that the Greeks believed flowed in our body. The the best humor was called “sanguine” (which means “bloody”). A sanguine disposition is full of passion, yet calm, of good cheer, ready to fall in love. What a nice red humorous face to have. The other 3 humors were much less fun: Melancholy, bilious, and choleric. Oy, yoy, and yoy.

Pat: So each beat of your blood moving thru your body is a beat of humor.

Mike: But is this humor humorous?

Pat: Humor requires precise timing just like your heart beat.

Mike: But we can have precise timing and not be very humorous?

Pat: But what could be more humorous than the beat of life? No heartbeat and your dead. Heart beats and you live.

Mike: But some of my humor is sadistic. Secretly enjoying people’s pain. Aha! You’re in more pain than me.

Pat: The sadistic side is afraid to be vulnerable. Introduce your two sides to each other.

Mike: Hello. I’m Sadistic man. I’m here to laugh at you.
Hi. I Mr. Nice. What can I do to help?

Pat: By the power granted me by humanity I now pronounce you
one vulnerable boy.

Mike: Who’s in charge now? I’m confused. And it’s not fun.

Pat: Play with your new self.

Mike: When I was a kid, I wasn’t allowed to play with myself.

Pat: I’m sure you got so angry that your anger split off from you and became a separate personality. Sadistic Man.

Mike: So if we would listen, and he would dare, Sadistic Man could tell us about his pain. “I’m hurtin’ man. I put people down so they can be lower than me. Down Pat down.”

Pat: So Sadistic Man can become Playful Man.

Mike: Would you like to play?

**
Poems inspired by Patrick 05-12-27

1. A Soft Rain Gonna Fall

When I lie down and surrender to the floor
the floor moves me to feel the deep desires of the earth
echoing my deep desire for love and healing:
Rain, rain, come again.

**
2. Getting To Know You

Can I breathe you in
with my eyes, and ears
and nose and mouth and hands and skin
so that we don’t know who is who
when I give you back to you
and you give me back to me?

**
3. What’s happening?

In love and war
when we ask
what’s happening now
we can happen now.

**
4. Freed Thru Greed

When I am very selfish
I am not a shell fish:
When I take so much in
I want to burst my skin
and give back to you--
nothing else to do.

**
5. Life is Simple As a Dimple

All of our states:
desires to relate.

11.5 oct 22 09 thru end of 09

2009-12-24T06:36:00.000-08:00

10-22-09 Turning Rotten Feelings into Mischief

Agenda
My song: Got Rot? Unknot!

[Sing with Zing]

1. Got Rot?

Rotten to the core--
rotten to the core—
like a festering sore--
I’m rotten to the core.

I love making war
making festering sores--
drinking in the gore,
I’m rotten to the core.

If you are my friend,
here is what’s in store,
you’ll fester like a sore
be rotten to the core.

When you are my love
I’ll treat you like a whore
rotten to the core.
we’ll fester like cold sores.

Rotten to the core--
rotten to the core--
like festering sores
we're rotten to the core.
**

2. Unknot!

Rotten to the core
I want to sense more--
inside gutless guts
screams that made me nuts.
Hearing unheard screams
uncrushes crushed dreams--
roaring from my core
undreamed dreams now soar.

**

silence

PC: I liked the fact that you milked the silence between us—not saying anything.

1. Let your rot move you. When you dance discover your pure feelings: anger, shame, sadness, fear or happiness.
Go to the ground and do these 2 things:
Warm-up, taking care of your body, feeling sensation and breath.
Feel and express the 5 major emotions through you body: happy, sad, fear, anger, shame

Where so is this feeling or Rot now?

MK: I am feeling it is barbed wire and razor blades and the desire to hurt yourself. I want temper tantrum and bang my head. I feel the rot underneath.
If I do not keep these feeling to hurt myself under control, I would actually hurt myself.

I see angry, hurt child. It is good for him to get it out. i feel the desire to control the child and not be my good adult and find a way to let my child safely express itself.

MK: I move on the floor. Wild feelings emerge. I want to bang on the floor until it hurts or breaks my hands. Kick with my feet until it hurts or breaks my feet. I feel my flesh is rotten. I want to bang my head against the wall. I do all these things without hurting myself.

PC: Make sure you take care of yourself while you express true your feelings. I notice your not moving.

MK: Move. Move.

PC: And now you are directing yourself.

MK: O.K. I’ll discover in me, in my body, the desire to move. If I’m just aware I’ll feel the impulses without directing myself.
I feel sad that these violent feelings are there. Happy I have an opportunity to let them out. I used to feel shame I had them. Frightened I had them. Angry that I had or have them. Now I’m just afraid I might hurt myself if I let them out. And still I’m happy.

PC: Let your adult self talk to the little child, Got Rot.

MK: Just let those feelings out in a safe way Got Rot.

PC: Doesn’t Got Rot need love? Tell him you love him.

MK: I feel pain in my heart when I tell him I love him. I don’t want to deal with all this pain. I also don’t want to do deal with my friends pain. I discover if I love them I don’t have to listen to all their problems and pain.

PC: But all friends need to share painful situations. You don’t have to fix them. Just listen with compassion.

MK: I used to take their pain as an opportunity to talk about my own pain (in the guise of I showing them I understand your pain because my pain is similar.) And then feel I was giving friends equal time if I tried to fix their problems. I see now there is a third way to just hear their problems with compassion. Let me do that with Got Rot. I feel for you buddy. I love you kid. And now it doesn’t feel so painful in my heart, in fact no pain at all, since Got Rot is not going to suck me in.

PC: It’s impossible to be true friends without sharing feelings.

MK: Well here’s some feelings I’d love to share with you, Teach.
[I take out a water pistol and pull the trigger. Patrick doesn’t flinch. And there’s no water in the pistol.]

PC: I thought your weapon of choice is a knife.

MK: [I take hold of a kitchen knife and raise it over me.] It’s much more fun to play with less dangerous props. [I take a banana from the table.] It would be so much fun to squeeze this banana. Dare I. So so tempting. [And then without quite willing it I discover I am squeezing the banana.] So much fun to smear it on the floor. On my arms. Yum. Yum.

PC: Mischievous Mike is coming out.

MK: Yes. When I can’t be mischievous the mischief gets stuck inside and turns to rot.

PC: Can you be mischievous in a socially acceptable way?
Enter the room in a socially acceptable way while keeping your mischievous energy.

MK: [I go out the door, grab a balloon and come back in.] It’s so much fun not being socially acceptable. But I understand if I am aware of my bodies’ motion it is fun. Just the meeting of my mind and my body is sexy. With awareness I can always be playing because my body and mind have play in them. My mind is like a playful monkey. Buddhists call it “monkey mind.”

PC: You’ve cultivated many friends you need to take care of. Do you still want them in your life?

MK: I’ve discovered if I set limits I enjoy immensely being with them. My friend wants me to read his poetry to him and just talk about his problems. When we both read each other a poem it feels great. And I insist we have equal time when we want to talk about our lives. And just a few minutes each. Oh does that feel good. Of course when his wife wanted to leave him, I devoted some time to encourage her to stay. She did stay. I then refused an invitation to celebrate with their families. But because I did not first thank him for inviting me, I felt bad and went to the celebration. When he invited me to come to many more celebrations I thanked him for inviting me and said I won’t be able to come.

PC: Remember the limits are about you, not them. Things you don’t want to do. I think you need to mop up the squished banana with a wet mop and a little soap.
Can you tell your feeling self that you love him?

MK: I love you feeling self.

10-28-09

The agenda arises spontaneously when Patrick sits down in a meditating position and I sit, on a mat and pillow (he needs neither) across from him.

MK: I feel pain, really shock, throughout my body, especially in my skin. Someone defined sexual abuse as putting a thousand volts into a sixty-volt light bulb. Ouch.

PC: Close you eyes. Feel your pain. What happens now?

MK: It’s less intense if I am not looking at or relating to you. The more I ignore you the more it goes away. I learn in my singing class to sing from my belly or gut not from my mouth and head. It’s a new and confusing experience to shape words from my gut. It feels similar to feeling and seeing me from my gut too and only then feeling you from my whole body especially my gut and skin and bones and breath. Instead of losing me when I am focusing on you, I feel it is me who is opening to you.

PC: You are free to regulate how much you focus on you versus how much you focus on me.

MK: You used to call it a soft focus when I looked at the room around you which included you without focusing on you. It felt like simply brushing your eyes as I scanned the environment around you. Now I can look into your eyes and still be focusing mostly on me. I do not lose my feeling of my skin and bones and my relationship to my environment when I look into your eyes. I can feel the floor and earth and air supporting and caressing me. In the past I was so afraid of being a narcissist I would consciously try to focus on others and care for them.
But it was still narcissism. Let me me me care for you, whoever you are.
I bet if I am patient there will arise from me, from my body, a curiosity about you. Curiosity rather than obligation to focus on you.

PC: [Patrick closes his eyes. And I feel he’s bored so I stop talking.] What story were you telling yourself when I closed my eyes.

MK: I was dependent upon your eyes. I told myself you were not interested in my words.

PC: You are free to focus on the wounded part of people or their essence. Even if I was ignoring you, you can still feel the part of me here in the room with you. You can choose to not let your needs or my needs stop your body and psyche and my body and psyche from connecting.

MK: I tried to save people, help them, because I needed so much more help than they did. When the great helper helps you then I can take some life from you since I have no life: I am only a helper.

PC: Experience what the room, the floor, air etc. is doing to your body rather than trying to relate to or do something in this room.

MK: My pain and shock leave. I feel comfortable in my skin now. I feel sweet, easy because I don’t have to relate to anyone.

PC: You have a dial, a thermostat inside, that can regulate how much you nurture your body and self before you open to interacting with others.

** Patrick’s notes for the same session:

As I learning to be present and not hide, I do not feel the need to be "helpful. I am just present. As I am more present, I feel shock just sitting her eon the floor with my legs folded in front of me across from you. When we were eating, and bantering I did not feel this.
Part of the shock is people wanting something from me. Or at least telling myself people want something from me. Btu you don’t want anything from me and I still feel this. It might be, maybe must be, just being simply present is a shock to me. This makes sense. I am so used to not beign present that my psyche must feel sensually shocked when I am simply present.
what helps is to be able to look at me mostly focused on me without spacing out.

PC: Rate your shock experience on your skin and in your whole body.

MK: I am happy to be here, experience the shock and talk about it. I’d give the shock a 10.
When I lie down right now in a corpse pose, I feel more sweet and less of this shock.
When I was with Barbara, I could not sit up to feel nice sensual feelings, I had to lie down.
My Abraham coach played a game with me. When she was too far away, I felt abandoned. When she was too close I felt fear and shock.

PC: Duet while staying within yourself.
Tune up your dial on self-focus when you duet.
When focusing on yourself in a duet have curiousity drive the turning up the focus on your partner instead of shame or guilt or doing what you think youa re supposed to.

Instead of "soft focus" as a term to get you to open your awareness (regulating your awareness), we can talk about adding in and turning up other dials on things:
your body (sensations, emotions)
your partner
room
floor
music
many other elements could be in here (images, memories, beliefs)

Homework:
1. To ask yourself what am I feeling emotionally (5 emotions: happy, sad, fear, anger, shame): to distill this out of a physical, imagistic, memorial experience
2. Then to ask, "what am I telling myself that may be making me feel this emotion." you may have many emotions in one experience, that you may have to ask this question for each emotion.
11-3-09

Agenda: Healing Prostate

**

PC: Feel your prostate meet the floor. Move around with your prostate feeling the floor. Dance from your prostate reacting to the floor. Let the initiation happen in the prostate and ripple to the other parts of the body, fist through spine, then to the limbs.
When the other parts of the body move too much, it takes away from the initiation of the prostate.

MK: I get excited. In an altered state. I try to hold onto and intensify this excessive energy, light, instead of simply being aware of sensuous breath.

PC: Stay in your altered state without losing the sense of your body. Don't stop the feeling of sensation and breathing as if there is an ending line to get to it. The "I've got it. I want to move on." experience.

MK: Part of my blissing out is my desire to "ramp it up", to intensify it. I think it comes from some form of duplicating my abuse. My firelight is in each cell. No need to disembody it.

PC: Ripple from your prostate to and through your head and legs.
Making sounds is great, but don’t let the sound take you away from being physical. And remember to return to the ground and midlevel

MK: Can we try a little reading now?

PC: In transitions, don’t leave where we are when initiating something new. When your exhalation ends, don’t push inhalation. Be soft and subtle when you inhale.

MK: [I get on my knees and read aloud.] I enjoy the physical feeling of words and what they refer to before greedily reading to the end of the sentence.

PC: Do you know how to surrender? (a rhetorical question really)

Homework:
pleasure yourself (masturbate) – without coming – once a week

11-12-09

Agenda: Shamanic Healing of my Prostate

PC: Lie down and invite or channel any healing beings that want to come through you.

MK: [I roll out my kitchen rug] I feel/see my mother and father.

PC: What do they have to say?

MK: They want to re-conceive me. The war they had between them is now over.

M’s father: We’re proud of you now. Like me you learned to be happy.

M’s mother: We hated each other so when we conceived you we hated that you were conceived. But now we love you. You’ve done great. You helped me be happy.

PC: What emotions did you feel growing up?

MK: Ouch. Stretched between them. Like torture or being stretched apart in the Middle Ages.

PC: What other emotions? Any shame, fear, sadness, anger or happiness?

MK: You offer four negative options and one positive one. I want equal time for happy and unhappy emotions.

PC: As long as you keep to pure emotions.

MK: I remember crying (internally) as a graduate student when anyone asked “Where are you from?”

PC: What was it like in your home?

MK: Mom was honest. Brutally. “Charlie you’re getting so fat you’ve got breasts.” Charlie, “Why are you holding my hand so tentatively.”

PC: And your father’s response?

MK’s father: Mike , for 15 years I just kept quiet. But then when you were a teenager I wanted to model for you a stronger man. When I told Mom if she doesn’t close her mouth I’d throw the full coffee cup at her, she cried, “AHHHHHHHHHH.” So I threw it.

MK’s mother: So I went around with a black eye for a week.

MK: And Dad, inspite of this, always tried to be good.

MK’s Mom: Your such a “good guy” Charlie—to everyone but me and your family.

PC: What do your parents say to you now?

MK’s father: We are proud of you now. The war you feel in your cells because of us “Brutal Honesty” versus “Goodness (that by-passed intimacy”) is now over. You can get your cells renewed.

MK’s Mother: You can come into me again Charlie, this time with love and we’ll re-conceive Mikey.

PC: Invite a shaman to now join you.
What does he say?

MK: He lies besides me and says let your cells simply bask in love.

PC: And now get on the rug and respond to your shaman.

MK: I can’t quite relax. My cells need to entertain. Be on guard.

PC: Just be with the fact that you can’t relax.

MK: The shaman is lying besides me with his arms spread out like Jesus.

PC: So you’ve got someone who can help you relax. Trust the world. God.

MK: Yes. I’m not alone.

PC: Now do something to bury the entertainer.

MK: [I wrap the entertainer in a rug. Folding the ends of it and them push the rug under the table.]

11-18-09 Agenda: Contact Improvisation to Heal Prostate Cancer

PC: Try contact improvisation from the floor.

MK: I can feel the difference between being inside my body and feeling my sensations versus feeling, respecting, knowing and loving the floor as something outside of me.

PC: Be careful you don’t by-pass your own body and feelings. You can relax even more into your body and the floor. Any words, like “I’ve arrived” can stop the continual arriving.

MK: It feels great to do both. Feel my body and the floor. And then I feel there’s an energy or a dance between us. It feels like the exercise where there is a beach ball held by two people’s stomach and we have to move while keeping the ball from falling. I might have done the same exercise with a tennis ball between our foreheads.
I feel that the sphere around our bodies (energy field or aura) is in place of these balls. Of course I have to remember (with my body) that these fields are extensions of my body. I used to want to leave the physical world and just relate to these auras. Understandably--since the physical world felt so ugly and traumatic.

PC: Exercise: With a straight arm stretched out on the floor and your wrist strait, use momentum to get from stretched out on the floor to sitting. You’ll feel this in the center of your body. You can feel this movement coming from your prostate and/or from the center of your body. And now fall onto your other side and after you fall and rest move with straight arm and wrist back to sitting.

MK: How sweet to move from the center of my body.
PC: Expanding and contracting (or in and out) are the basic movements of life.

MK: I feel how delicious it is to simply breathe in (especially to the center of my body) and breathe out. I also feel a delicious dance beat of my blood beating out into my body (again especially focusing on my prostate.

PC: Remember when feeling these delicious expansions and contractions of your body that they are physical. Don’t by-pass the physical to bliss out on the sensual.

MK: It feels like a very subdued sensual beauty to simply honor and respect and feel the solidity of the floor and my bones and the springiness of my flesh.

PC: And all these feelings arise from the contraction and expansion of your breath, heart beat AND BODY. The physical-sensual sensations, feelings, and thoughts arising from expanding and contracting from your prostate could help healing.

=

12-3-09

Agenda: How to feel emotions while dancing?

PC: Feel an emotion while you are moving. Let this emotion move through your whole body.

[I move my legs-- happy that I am moving them. Patrick imitates me to reveal how the rest of my body, from the waist up, is not involved.]

PC: Don’t witness your emotions with another part of your body. When your emotions are most felt in your legs let your legs take your whole body for a ride.

PC: Practice feeling the different primal emotions: Happiness, fear, shame, sadness, anger.

MK: If fear is a primal emotion, pride must be too.
And confidence, tenderness, love, joy etc.

PC: Feel then one at a time.

[MK dances with different emotions.]

**

Agenda 2: How to lead.

PC: You don’t need to be forceful to lead. Relaxing helps.
Lead people where they are. Your lead adds to their movement. And lead from your whole body, not just your arm or hand.
And you can lead with emotion. When not trying to have an emotion an emotion will arise.

12-10-09

Agenda:

1. How can I dance more and more of the time in everyday activities? How can I heal more and moe of the time ine veryday activities?
How can my gut, center, prostate be part of this dance?
Taking people in?
Giving me out?
Anything more about healing dancing for self and others?

2. Talking in relation to dancing.
How can speaking and listening join the dance between us?
I imagine we I can do this deeper and deeper—like arriving more and more to me and you.

**

3. I watched Rodrimost of his leading is one or two hands forward and back
or sliding
or turning alone or together.
Can we practice?

** **

Grin and Sprout In And Out

Since divine's what we meet and do--
including me-- and of course you--
if I refuse to take you in
or let me out—it feels like sin.

Ow!
Oy!

I’d love to embrace you in me
while I am giving me to thee:
and if you too embrace all me
life may be rhapsody in we.

Wow!
Joy!

Inside and out may simply be
two sides of all reality--
so all we touch or hear or see
inside and out's as rich as we.

Ah!
Ha!

When together-- may all within
with ease go outside with a grin
and all without from earth to sky
humorously expand our I.

Ha!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

** Sesssion**

PC: Think less. Listening to emotions is self-responsible.
Really take them in. Knowing emotions is being kind to your inner child. Assume you are already doing what you want. You are just deepening what you have. Sink into it.

How we approach ourselves can be self-negating without knowing we are self-negating. Or it can be self-loving without knowing we are self-loving.

**

Lead with pizzaz.

MK: I get scared when I try to do something masculine—forcing myself into a mold that I don’t think I can be. The fear itself makes me feel even more afraid. How can I dance with pizzaz while I am afraid. Of course I could fake it til I make it.
Three ways of being scared:
1. I can’t fit into the form being asked.
2. I am afraid I can’t fit in.
3. I abuse myself by forcing myself to try to fit in and not be afraid.
Solution: Discover I have a seed or a young growth what I am growing towards.

PC: Dancing is just walking. Pizzaz comes from punctuation and the ability to ground. When we stop walking we direct down. The earth supports us. We arrive on the earth each step.
Lesson effort after learning.
Grounding comes from an ability to balance.
Dancing is fun.

**
MK: I feel healing energy radiating from my prostate whenever I focus on it. It also radiates from my reiki healer whenever I focus on her (whether she is near or far).

PC: REMEMBER TO ALSO FEEL YOUR ACTUAL PROSTATE WHEN THIS IS HAPPENING. IT IS WHAT YOU SIT ON.

MK: Near where I shit or pee from.

PC: As long as you feel it, it is underneath your pirenium (which is why the pirenium feel so sexy when touched.)
12-17-09

PC: Two ways of dancing alone in a room.

1. Looking outward and responding to what you see and feel.

2. Feeling your physicality and letting your physical impulses move you (this begins more inwardly than stage 1).

(In stage 2 physical/perceptual can be together. We often need to be aware of our surroundings in order not to run into walls and people).

Even when we’re in the middle of dancing we can move into different stages.

There is a dial for self and other and environment. The dial can be from 1 to 10 in relation to focusing on self or other. The dials can be independent (kind of) from each other. They can both be 6 or 8 or 4 and 7 etc.

You can dance with the whole room or universe or God
Without losing your own dance and your relationship to your own dance.

Ask, “What is lacking right now?” [e.g. you might need to focus more on body, environment, other, relationship].

You can recycle attention back to yourself, environment, relationship or other.

**

MK: How do we add healing to this dance?

PC: If this isn’t healing I don’t know what is!

Of course you can focus your attention on whatever needs to be healed. Or whatever else you’d like to create. A happy dance. A world where no one is hungry, justice, etc. Just adding the question can help you experience what is already here.

Remember what you want is here.

You used to try to make what you want.
i.e. how can to find a recipe to be loving
and this of course got in the way of your discovering
that you are loving.
12-23-09

Dancing with Emotion

MK: How can I dance with emotion?
My singing teacher taught me to learn the basic structures (like breathing from my belly, vibrating the bones in my face,) and then I can put honest feelings into the song.

I imagine dance is the same. In the small dance, I discover that simply standing is a dance. I’m sure there are small emotions going on all time. I’m just learning to let them through.

What is the connection between motion and emotion?
I’m sure they are the inside and outside of the same thing.
No motion without emotion. No emotion without motion.
The feel of the motion is emotion. The embodiment of the feeling is motion.

Of course I can be unconscious that I am always small dancing.
And unconscious that I am always emotioning.

I imagine practice will be to be aware of the emotion in motion. Sounds might be inspired by the movement which will help me discover what emotion is going on. I have to be careful not to let the sounds (i.e. getting carried away with the sounds) hide me from the physical emotions.
Except while dancing all movement is clearly emotional. Getting up, making breakfast, washing, getting to work. Hugging. Etc. Dancing alone or with a partner there is an immense amount of sensual, sexual, spiritual emotion. Perhaps only in New England and England are these emotions turned off. The emotions dancing with a beautiful person is huge. Maybe so huge we need to turn the dial down. But I’d love to let the feelings out while faithfully honoring the physical forms of the dance. Supposedly it’s cool to be cool. But I think its warmer to be hot.
I discovered in therapy an ice-man in me. Now that I can be him for real I don’t need to imitate cool. Perhaps emotions can only get hot if I have the freedom to be ice when I choose.

Of course some of the primary motions in the body have their corresponding emotion. Heart beats (love), breathing (inspiration to be alive).
The Greek said we have humors (or fluids) flowing. So humor (in our modern sense) can be a primary emotion of happy surprise at what is flowing in us. And from our center (eros) the creative-force pumps out its juicy expansiveness.

Love, spirit, humor, eros are always with us with our small dance.

PC: Be careful not to go into baby emotion. You seem to be finding baby wonder because you might have had wonder taken from you when you were a baby. Don’t excessively go into emotion because it might take you away from the physical structure of dancing.
Keep it at dial 2. [dials go from 1 to 10 in intensity]

MK: I need to choose as a man to be in wonder instead of wallowing in it like a child. I want to have my emotional dial much higher (which is what it is) without taking away from the physical structure of the dance. In singing the emotions can take off once the physical structure is learned.

PC: In movement or emotion don’t stay in something after the time it is here. And don’t run from the special emotional moments when they are here.
Play with these emotions and movements when leading. You can be on dial 1 or 2 to lead.

MK: When in wonder I need a little more happiness. More me.

PC: Keep the dial low when you touch someone. You are a big strong man.

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